Jason Bourne

I'm a big Jason Bourne fan. Maybe this is why I can actually like Matt Damon (despite his involvement with my nemesis Oceans 11-13) yet dislike his BFF Ben Affleck. Maybe its cause he played a tortured, mad genius in Good Will Hunting which I can identify with while his BFF played a goddamn moron.....which I see way too much of in my life and I can't seem to escape.

There is now debate on who is the 'badder' spy. Bourne vs. Bond. Answer is clear on who I favor.....Jason Bourne because he's a take no hostage killing machine. Bond was more the smoothe maneuverer but screw that shit.....kill....just kill em.

Jason Bourne is the kind of killing machine that I had a chance to become at one time in my life. No jokes (remember, I don't make this shit up). I had a friend growing up that lived on my street. He was a little wierd and his dad was a pervert to the pretty girls in the neighborhood so they were all freaked out by him but what did I care. My friend had his issues too but quite frankly there just weren't alot of guys on my street to hang out with so I hung out with him at certain times. He was a pretty smart guy so I could relate to him on a level that I didn't most the other guys.

One of the wierd things about this guy was that he became obcessed with Ninjas and the Japanese culture. So much so that he went off to Japan to study and when he came back his eyes were actually slanted. I'm sure he purposely walked around like that almost trying to be Asian....not like his eyes could have physically slanted but every time I saw him they were.....and they stayed that way....I always tried to catch him out of character like you would a person faking an accent but he never came out of his Slant-eyed, asian wanna-be character.

So this dude met a guy who travelled the world as a military brat and picked up pieces of martial arts all over the world. Took them all and turned them into his own form of art for simple ass kicking. He trained my buddy and then my buddy wanted to train me. He said he would train me to be a bigger ass kicker than any navy seal or green beret....in fact his buddy trained with those kinds of guys because his dad was special forces. He told me all kinds of stories about being able to hit him in the precise place and paralyze me....how he broke a guys nose and knocked him out cold using little force but a precise blow. I was certainly intrigued.....who doesn't want to be a bad ass.

Then came the bad news: "2 things before we get started.......first part of the training is that I'm going to tie you to a tree and punch you over and over.....I have to train you to be able to feel no pain....because there will be alot of pain......AND you have to promise to give up drinking (i was around 19 at the time) because if you go out to a bar with a bit of liquor in you feeling tough you can do some real damage......literally kill someone and I can't have you killing people".

I thought about telling him that I'd give up the booze just to say I would but the whole punching me thing seemed a little harsh....plus what would the neighbors think seeing me tied up to a tree and getting punched by this whacko? Its just easier to be friends with big dudes. When I wanted to see someone beat up I just sent Steve to do the job and he was always happy to oblige. (may he rest in peace......Steve passed away 4 years ago of a heart attack....I don't make this stuff up).