Wednesday, March 21, 2007

My Own Prison

The analogy isn’t new….I’m just reiterating it.

I come to work every day and sit in my cube. I have to be here from around 7:30-6:00. This is my prison. Sometimes I have meetings.....I guess you’d consider these like work duty in the prison…you have to go, there is an agenda that must be followed in terms of the discussion and there is minimal swaying or discussion outside the agenda. Is that really any different than going to the laundry for work duty in the prison….you go, you stand there in your position (rather than sit in your seat) and grab the shirts as they are coming out and put them in the next bin or fold them or whatever. The only non-agenda item of note is the occasional discussion with the person next to you…..just like in a meeting…you can occasionally turn over and make a wise-crack to the person next to you but for the most part that is the only discussion. Watching one of your co-workers (or yourself god forbid) getting abused by a superior for a poor work product would be the equivalent of seeing another inmate (or god forbid you) get pulled behind the large dryer for a good knifing, beating or gang-raping. It’s the same.

Training day is like the yard……pretty much confined to my Cell….I mean cube for most of my sentence…..I mean career but every now and then I get out for training. Just like they get out in the yard. In training I can talk with other colleagues a bit more freely, I can sit with those I want to sit with rather than those I’m celled up with or on work duty with (in meetings with). There are frequent breaks that allow me time to joke around and discuss our joint misery in groups. The speakers are the equivalent to the guards who are supposed to be listened to or appear as someone of authority but nobody is paying any attention to them. Unless you cause a riot (ask a question in the training) they pretty much just leave you alone.

Fact is if I was in prison I could actually do more with myself…..people get goddamn law degrees in prison….I can’t do that at work. If it wasn’t for the gang-rapes and beating I’d think it’s a nice place to be. Maybe I could go to prison and work on a degree and become a sports agent. Then I could live the good life.


HR 101

Rule #32 in the HR 101 Handbook states: If you want your employees to suffer through some horribly boring, painful training where 90% of them will sleep through (with their eyes open) and daydream about a life of grandeur after winning the powerball, THEN you as the executive must attend the same training. Not only must you attend the training but you must sit near the front and appear interested. This lends credibility to the fact that you actually want these cattle to glean SOMETHING from this and aren't just giving them a free day from sitting in their cube.....a free day including bagels, some fruit, free coffee and maybe even a lunch consisting of Au bon Pain boxes (if they're lucky).

Dummy (now to be known as SpellChecker....yes I'm changing his name and will explain later) thinks there should be an executive summary for people who live is every day and already understand in depth the material being presented. Elitist moron.

Not only is this wrong for the obvious reason that your employees are going to think..."shit, if he doesnt care why should I" but how about the fact that if you are SOOO smart and know it all then why not show up and impart some of that wisdom and experience on the rest of the cattle? You aren't doing anything else anyway......other than SpellChecking my shit.


Missing Boy Scout

Why did it take 4 days to find a kid a mile from the camp? In the movies those damn dogs track criminals 50 miles across state lines in less than 24 hours and it took the damn dogs 4 days to find a kid 1 mile away?

Clearly the movies are misrepresenting the power of those dogs OR the dogs had a cold. Maybe that was it....I hate to discount all tracking dogs just cause it took Gandalf a good 4 days.

Ohhh...and other point....when the dog does show up to find the kid what does he do? He eats the poor kids peanut butter crackers. Hey....whoever is in control of the dog control that thing....the kid hasn't eaten in FOUR days and Gandalf just walks in and eats his crackers. Someone smack that dog.


Tuesday, March 20, 2007

Dancing with the D-Listers: A new Season

Hey…It’s me again….Sorry I’ve been gone but I live in FUCKING hell right now. More on that later but let’s just say I'm not a fan of working.

Anyway…this is about the new season of Dancing with the D-Listers….what better to inspire me.

The cast and thoughts on first night:

Ian What’s his face from 90210: Hi I’m actor Ian “whats his face from 90210” best known for playing Steve on 90210……”ummm, Ian, you are ONLY known for playing Steve….you have NEVER done anything else”. I think he only agreed to this so he could dance with Cheryl….he’s all over her and she doesn’t seem pleased. Ok well he also did this to try and be relevant again.

Paulina past supermodel: I have no thoughts…she’s a snooze…I assume she was a supermodel in the 60s by the looks of the stretched out plastic skin face.

Billy Ray Cyrus: WHAT WAS THAT? You CAN'T do a country dance and pass it off as ballroom. Even I know that doesn't work.

Leeza: if you are 55 you are pretty hot. If you are 40 you are haggard.

Joey FATone: You ARE fat. You are a cheap mans John Travolta in his prime. You are fat, GREASY and cant move……yet somehow the judges love you and your name alone is going to carry you……Good job Fat One.

Ms. Ali: ummmm…better call her Ms for fear of getting beat. Pretty face….but she’s a BOXER…….she uses her boxing foot movement to translate to dancing but end of day she’s a big meaty boxer trying to dance.

Cliff: The old charming guy of the season is Old and he IS charming BUT…..he’s too chubby. Has all the elements of the past old charming guys but his belly gets in the way. Poor chubby guy can’t pull off dancing.

Random Miss USA winner: I think its great how they paired her with a 13 year old dancing protégé………..WHAT? he’s an adult male? But he’s 4 inches shorter than her and looks a lot smaller. OOOHHH that doesn’t work.....doesn't work at all. If she was paired with a studly guy she might have a bit of a chance but her partner looks 6 which makes her look like an amazon. Not working for me.

Clyde: Sorry Clyde… aren’t Jerry or Emmitt. If you were Magic you’d be a write in to the final 3 but Clyde just doesn’t have the name recognition.

One Leg: YOU BITCH. FUCK YOU. You can’t take a Beatle for half his money and try and win over the American public. I don’t know what happened with Sir Paul but FUCK YOU. I give you no credit for dancing on one leg. Someone should take that leg off and beat you with it. As far as I’m concerned taking a Beatle for a ride on one leg is grounds for stoning….you certainly don’t deserve this. Hope you stick around just to enrage me……. whew.......that exhausted me.

Apolo – I like this dude….you aren’t gonna see me say many nice things about dudes on this blog but this is a guy I have liked in the past. Watched him in the Oylmpics and think he’s a cool guy. Pulling for him.