World's Most Amazing Videos....OR NOT

I was home one day and was channel surfing and got caught on Spike TV watching World’s Most Amazing Videos. At first I figured this was going to be a corny show that would be intolerable but I’m all about giving things a chance……well, most things but some things aren’t even open for discussion and I digress again.

The best part of this show is how dramatic the commentator gets about everything. He uses some form of the word disaster in every other sentence. Many of the videos are true disasters but a lot of the stuff is just ridiculous and there he is….”and disaster unfolds”….NO, NO, there is NO disaster there.

Case in point:

Two guys go up in a hot air balloon for a ride and the balloon pops on the corner of a building. The commentator starts in with his routine “disaster strikes as the balloon is ripped and starts plummeting to the ground…..what will the men do….panic sets in”. Actually the balloon was falling gently like a soft parachute ride and the men didn’t seem too concerned.

Then…..”oh no, further disaster, as the balloon gets stuck on the side of the building high above the ground”…..No, not actually, before the cameraman gets ahold of the situation it is clear that the balloon is about 5 feet from the ground….not nearly high enough to hurt anyone.

“The men inside panic knowing they only have moments before the balloon rips and the basket falls to the concrete below”. WHAT??? The basket is RIGHT NEXT to a window ledge that is 4 feet deep so the guys jump out of the basket over to the ledge. No panic, clear path to safety.

This is must see TV. You almost wonder if the commentator is watching a completely different video…..great stuff.

Why does K-fed surprise anyone

Look....everyone (including me) often asks "how could Britney marry that federline guy...he's such trash". Newsalert, Britney comes from trash.....she is trash....a few hit singles and some money don't change the fact. Take note of the evidence at hand......Britney's little sister.

Here she has been caught shopping at WalMart....not Target, WalMart. Thats where all the trailer families shop.....trash shops at WalMart, anyone with any hint of class does the Target thing.

Not only is the sister shopping at walmart but she went out in a bath towel and slippers....just like trash would.

SO, enough asking how Britney could have ever married him and feeling sorry for her, she married one of her own.

Prime Time Parking

If I was a woman I would ALWAYS park in the expectant mother spot at the grocery stores, mall or anywhere else. Why not? What do you possibly have to lose and who is going to call you on in it in public??? I wouldn't wear anything tight fitting that clearly says "i'm not prego" but I'd park in those spots every time. You aren't expected to carry any proof of prego so how could you get caught?

If you were afraid of getting busted you could actually find a positive home prego test and carry it around with you. If anyone accosted you and accused you of lying you could just pull it out and show them your proof.

Think about it ladies. Those cold, wet, miserable days. Wouldn't you like to be closer to the door and warmth?

Guiding Light....I thought I witnessed a fantastic moment

Last Friday I was sitting at home channel surfing and I turn to the Guiding Light. I have watched GL on and off for over 15 years (no, I'm not a 20 year old spring chicken as one might imagine from reading this nonsense) and every now and then when I see it's on I tune in to see who's doing who, how old the kids are, whether Josh and Reva are together or apart these days and why? Josh and Reva are the Luke and Laura, the Beau and Hope of GL.

So this grand Friday I tune in and the first thing I see if Reva on her death bed. I’m thinking….NAH, of course she isn’t gonna die, nobody dies on soap operas and certainly not Reva. But then it kept getting more serious….I’m thinking this really might happen….Josh and Reva had been on and off for as long as I had been watching the soap, Reva is the most heralded female character on the show and I am ready to watch her die. Then I start looking and her and I’m thinking….”oh my Reva, you are ready to die……just look at you”. This was NOT the Reva of my many teenage self-pleasuring moments. Reva went from a hot, milfy vixen to an old, haggard, short haired, man. I don’t know when Reva got the sex change and I don’t know why Josh is still there by her side talking about how she can’t go. Let her go Josh, Let her go…..she’s horrible looking. I spent many a moment alone with my GL and Reva while I was a teenager so this was a big disappointment and I found myself rooting for her death.

Sidenote: to make matters worse, between all the drama a commercial comes on with Cheryl Ladd (former Charlie’s Angel and also subject of some special teenage moments alone) doing menopause commercials. How am I still 22 and these women aged so much??? Please don’t tell me I’m actually getting older…..I know that’s not it.

Anyway, I’m watching, the ending is coming near and sure enough……Reva flatlines, sad music, everyone crying…..Reva died…..she’s dead. I couldn’t believe I witnessed history….the death of Reva Shane…..not one of those lost in the jungle, killed in a fire but never found the body, thrown overboard a boat with no body type deaths….she flatlined….she’s dead.

Monday update: OHHHH silly man…..NOOOO she’s not dead. Turn the show on 30 minutes in and Reva is being begged out of her coma. That flatlining bullshit was just that….bullshit.

Damn you GL….got me AGAIN.

Cmon Dakar....give me a shout

I know you are reading me Dakar....you and your friend in Pulau Pinang Malaysia....wait, wasn't Survivor in Pulau.....is this Jeff Probst reading me? You can admit it Jeff. Anyway, hey Dakar Singapore tell me whats up? I know you're reading, are you American and trying to keep up or what? I need to know.

A..B..D...Ooops We lost the C

OK, Ok….if there was ANY doubt before are we all sold on that the cueball is gay? How many of you also cringed as he announced that he got married in Disney? For those of you who have been to Disney you know those annoying adults who don’t have kids yet they run around Disney with Mickey/Minnie ears? Those people with the Mickey/Minnie bride and groom ears because they just got married or are on their honeymoon? This is Joey Cueball.

So Joey goes on to dedicate his first dance to his grandfather Harry Shaw…..aka, Pop-pop. Grandma turns to pop-pop and tells him how proud he should be and pop-pop already looks as if he’s disgusted that his grandson is doing this nonsense. He fought in WWII, grandson the cueball is overly feminine dancing on TV……NOT PROUD. THEN, cueball appears in a gay little sailor outfit…….oh boy, Harry Pop-Pop can’t be happy about this. I can just hear his phone ringing off the hook from his WWII veteran friends “harry, harry….ha ha ha ha….harry, is that joey…ha ha ha…..oh god look how gay he looks harry….he dedicated his gayest dance yet to you”. Pretty sure Joey might miss next week’s performance to attend his dead grandfather’s funeral.

Emmitt looks like he’s too big to be dancing and shouldn’t be any good but somehow he pulls it off. I’m shocked each week that I actually like how he moves. He’s wearing some kind of a bicep bracelet right now and I’m thinking he’s cool. If that was the Gay Cueball I’d be going out of my mind. Speaking of Emmitt and his partner, Cheryl isn’t all over Emmitt nearly as much as she was Drew. Doesn’t look at him the same, doesn’t fondle him the same way……I’m still waiting to hear about her and Drew.

Carrie Anne (female judge) needs to stop with the wild ass dancing in her seat. I wonder what book of clichés Bruno (gay judge) uses for his remarks after each performance.

Final dance of the night for the cueball and guess what??? He looks gay. Who would have thought he was going to run across the stage and drop to his knees toward his partner…..now THAT looked VERY natural to him.

Give it up Lisa

Was watching Rachel Ray this morning.....Rachel did some little segment on how she showed up at the set of Dancing with the A,B and now D listers to feed them. Guess who was hanging out? Yep....Lisa "I won't let it die" Rinna. Cmon balloon lips, back to obscurity with you.

Don't even know what to say....

Just look at this picture....I'm staring at it for minutes (I'd be lying if I said hours) and I don't even know what to say....look a these goofs.....just look at them....

Jennifer looks like a goddamn wrinkled up, rotting tomato in that silly dress. Her head looks like the little brown piece leftover after you pick off the stem.

Ricky really looks like a rooster. Cock-a-fucking-doodle-doo Ricky you look like a rooster. I'm not just saying it for the obvious reason of the hair......you really look like a rooster....Head to Toe you look like a rooster.

Marc....you're just creepy....simply creepy. You look like a dirty hispanic farmer that might be eating a goddamn tomato while poking the rooster. Creeping me out Marc.

Oh....and what is with that knee on Jennifer.....look messed up??????

Dear Lindsay

"It’s never been about the money." the actress told PEOPLE about taking a pay cut to star in the Emilio Estevez-directed drama. "I mean you can’t buy happiness – everyone says that and it’s true. It’s about the characters that I want to play.”

This is a quote from Lindsay Lohan. She is SOOO the next Tara Reid. This girl has done nothing but get her mug shot at every party and club between LA and NY. She did the Parent Trap when she was like 10, then Freaky Friday and Mean Girls and then NOTHING. Of course it’s about the characters you want to play Lindsay…..or shall you say …..ANY character anyone will give you. She is shown here at the opening of Bobby directed by Estevez. Seems a star studded cast but she isn’t even listed amongst the stars of the cast. Probably plays a maid of some sort.

Singapore....I seeeee you

I think I have a loyal reader in Dakar Singapore. I don't know where that is exactly but give me a shout and maybe I'll come visit. I'll bring some american jeans and marlboros and we'll have a good ole time.

Buffoonery world tour here I come. Gonna have time on my hands so why the hell not. I might visit Benguet Philipines as well but, frankly, I'm not sure you're as loyal....prove me wrong.

A night out.....

By myself of course......Perhaps I haven't been clear but I really don't like many people....no need for them really. People are generally just interested in themselves. I'm just interested in sex, booze, sports, gambling and of course.....mocking buffoons so I have little need to hang out with people who want to discuss world issues, politics, themselves, their personal issues or anything other than the 5 things I want to discuss. This eliminates a LARGE portion of normal people that I simply can't associate with therefore I spend ALOT of time alone.

That all said....I was out one night for happy hour...by myself and had quite a delightful time much to the expense of those around me. The bartender (Skip) was a very cool guy and I liked him....he sang to himself to the classic rock disc playing...was happy go lucky and poured good drinks.

So this was Tuesday night....happy hour special night....lots of regulars. This one dude comes in...he was clearly a loser......comes in every Tuesday....Skip works every tuesday so he should know him. Skip goes "hey buddy...what can I get you"....Loser says "ah skip, same as always".....Skip goes "hmmm, yeah...what's that again....hey, whats your name again anyway". Loser was SOOOO pissed...."Skip, do we have to go through this again? I'm 'such & such', I order a 'such & such' every tuesday when I come in". Skip says "yeah....I thought you looked familiar....sorry pal". Loser is in there EVERY week and Skip thinks he looks familiar. I'm already chuckling at this point.

Then this group comes in......7 people. Two youngish looking girls....early-mid 20s, not hot, not ugly...just girls......one woman in her 40s....uninteresting as well... a prego chick......then two Fat head guys.....big fat heads....big lips, protruding foreheads, bushy eyebrows, look like cavemen...totally look like cavemen. So the 2 young girls, the prego, the 40s lady and the cavemen all look like they just got off work at some carpet store AND THEN there is this guy in a suit looking like he walked off Wall Street...he was in his 40s, well dressed, bald and looked established. Couldn't figure this group out for the life of me. 6 People from the carpet store and the I-Banker. Who knows.

3 more people on the other side of the bar.....regulars...Skip knew them...."you want the regular guys or you need menus???"...."Ahhh, give us menus". I'm already thinking....why do those buffoons want menus.....1st) they know every damn thing on the menu, 2nd) they're gonna order the same shit they do every week......I'm betting myself a shot on this.....guess what....after 15 mins of looking at the menus I owed myself a shot when I heard...."hey skip, just put in our regular order.....2 wings and 2 sliders".

Why would I possibly need to go out with anyone else when I can sit and amuse myself at the expense of others just fine by myself??? Kitty is coming back for a visit this week and she gets it so maybe we'll do some mocking together.

We Lost a C

I'm not surprised by last nights results on Dancing with A, B, C and Ds. I figured the gay cue-ball could outlast the annoying C lister. The gay community spoke and this is the result....one more week to mock Joey. I can't say I'm disappointed either...I either want to see decent dancing or someone I can mock. The C-lister annoyed me with some of those wild ass tribal moves she made (cmon...you all know the ones I'm talking about and I'm not being racial....I'm just pointing to moves that simply didn't belong in the dances). Between those moves, the annoying facial expressions and her partner Louie (I think that's his name....I really don't care to spend my time looking it up...feel free to correct me) anyway....between all these things and Louie I'm glad she's gone.

Ok...I did look it up....Louie had the unfortunate opportunity to first be paired with EVERYONE's biggest annoyance....Trista....rememer this chick from Bachelor and then Bachelorette??? She was SOOO annoying and SOO desperate to be famous. She ended up picking some fireman when she became bachelorette and then held on to her celebrity as long as she could......well...I think she learned how much America hated her when she was kicked off like 1st in the first season of Dancing with the D listers. Then Louie danced with the ever-so-annoying-yet-hot-in-an-old-milf-sort-of-way Lisa Rinna who then turned and forced her washed up, pasty-faced, not-so-dilf (????daddy i'd like to F*&K....I dont know????) Harry Hammy....god I kill myself...one thought leads to another...Harry isn't a real man's name, it's something a man isn't supposed to be....it's something you shave your back to avoid....not a name....anyway, he got booted right quick this season and destroyed Lisa's short lived regained fame. Maybe Beau is done with Hope and looking for you "whatever your name on guiding light was, Lisa".

So Monique is gone. Oh Well....good riddance....nothing hot lost so what do I care. I can still make fun of the gay cue ball and her manly dance partner, watch slater's partner lust after him and watch cheryl......I'm happy.