Tuesday, July 31, 2007

The Worst Possible Moment

Geri Halliwell is caught in an awkward running moment....I know its just the actual second of when the photo was snapped but she looks like a retarded girl falling......right at the moment she is about to trip.

Maybe its the drinks.


Long Hair

Mike Greenberg of the ESPN talk show Mike and Mike is talking about how he has been growing his hair out because he has always wanted to but never could cause he was on TV....blah blah blah.

It made me think though.....when I get rich with real FU money I'm doing the same. I'm going to have long shaggy hair that I'll never really brush cause I WON'T HAVE TO.....don't like it??? FU, Look at the bank balance (which I will carry with me at all times just to show people who they are dealing with).


Tyra Gotta See

I haven't been watching Tyra as much lately because I keep missing it or just haven't been in the mood or the topics have been dumb......whatever.

Here Tyra is taking over a tour bus in the Big Apple with a bull horn. This I have to see. I can only imagine what she is standing there ranting about and what are the people on the bus thinking? Probably thinking they are being attacked by a real live Amazon woman.

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It's starting already

David Beckham is not making the team's trip to Dallas because Dallas is NOT LA and there aren't as many cameras there for him and his wife to be caught on buying starbucks with the kid......I mean, he has a bad ankle and can't play.

See.....he wants to be on the red carpet....not the green grass. More power to him.


No Shit Star

Star Jones finally admits that her weight loss was the result of gastric bypass surgery. NO SHIT Star. This was the worst kept secret EVER.

We thought you actually were running 4 marathons a day and just drinking water.


Sunday, July 29, 2007

Matty Mc

Well People took a week off to ruin my little thing but there were right back this week with a shirtless Matty Mc.

What we have here thought is an extraordinary Matty Mc WITH shirt on.

Someone at People is clearly slipping.


Lighten up

Come on Paris, lighten up, just cause you look like a horrible painting in someone's summer beach rental unit. Make yourself feel better and fire the dumb bitch (or gay guy) who put you in that thing.

By the way....are you pregnant?


The Best Fucking T Shirt

I've been on a bit of a t-shirt thing lately. In my trip to walmart that I documented (or meant to document) last week I saw a bunch of funny t-shirts but I can't actually remember them at this moment.

But it made me think of one of the best t-shirt I have ever seen.

This is just classic. Probably cause I'm a foul bastard and I can honestly appreciate the honesty of the simple message. It's pretty much how I feel most days regarding someone I come across.


Old Man with a Mandate

I love funny t-shirts. I'm can sit in dumb cheesy shops or any other kind of store all day if I can be amused. Seeing the funny shirt on an actual person in the right setting just adds to the beauty of the funny Tee.

The other day, I saw an old man wearing this shirt the other day and I just started laughing. The guy was about 6'0", had a big 'ole gut, dirty old blue jeans (probably wranglers) held up by red suspenders, pretty much bald with a flip of gray over his bald top and plenty of teeth missing.

He was a caricature in motion and I just sat there giggling.

Should also be noted that I saw this mostly bald dude at the barbers.


Friday, July 27, 2007


It all makes sense now. I was wondering for the past few days about those passengers with Lindsay Lohan.....why the hell didn't she just let them drive if she was drunk and had coke in her pocket....obviously she's a mess but at least let some lacky do your dirty work. Have SOME sense (I know....Lindsay Lohan and sense....oxymoron moron).

I just read the 3 dudes were basically kidnapped when she jumped in the car and sped off. So there you have it......couldn't GET them to drive so Lindsay took control.

I admire that......a woman who knows how to get things done. Little kidnapping will do the trick.


The View

I don't know who Sheri Richards is but I sort of like the Whoopi Goldberg selection to be a host on the view. She once again brings the instant credibility, sarcasm, liberal wit of an experienced person in the business who can make Elizabeth Hasselbeck appear to be a moron. I'm a big fan of that.

Rosie was a bit too butch, militant for me and I never actually liked her until she was on the view and got Lizzy all riled up and angry. I'm hoping the more likeable Whoopi will do the same.

Good selection Barbara. I'm going to need a TV in my new office when I go corporate and/or get mega wealthy chasing my pipe dreams.

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Hi Twiggy

Cmon.....You all have to see what I'm talking about. Maybe she's fabulous in many ways but Victoria Beckham is a goddamn twig.

Looks at those neck bones jutting out, the neckline sunken in, the skeletal arms and her bony fingers that can only be compared to a poor african baby. The only thing normal to big on this woman is her forehead and maybe her entire head. Relative to the rest of her body she looks like ET.

That's it....she's ET-esque.


The Man

Neither of these women are very hot....see prior post on Penelope....just not that hot, nor is this other girl, Helena Christensen. I did a google image search of Helena and she is pretty hot airbrushed but I saw some raggedy pics of her just as the more natural one above. She reminds me of a giraffe for some reason.

Bono on the other hand is the coolest celebrity freak going as far as I'm concerned. Not sure why but he's just cool. Sure he's trying to save the world ala Angelina Jolie but I'm fine with that....just as I'm fine with Angelina doing it.

Point being Bono.....get with some hotter stuff pal.


Done being Daddy already Diddy?

Where are those kids now Diddy? You did your thing....swam around with some Dolphins, played good dad and now off to France on the yacht.....see ya kiddies...Daddy got things to do.

I told you all. There are alot more photos of Diddy do this then Diddy playing Daddy.



I'm very puzzled by this whole LinkedIn thing. I started linking in a few months back in attempts to network and now all of the sudden I'm getting people accepting invitations I'm pretty certain I never sent.

They are all people I know but not people I actually would have necessarily invited to join my network. At first I thought.....'oh...maybe I did invite him but I don't remember'. After the 10th time I'm getting very suspicious (ok....so I'm a little slow sometimes....took me 10 'non-invites' to realize what was going on).

Oh well.....I'm just puzzled.


Thursday, July 26, 2007

Its like I'm psychic

As I noted yesterday, there are a ton of old women running around my new place of temporary employment. I said its surprising that some bodies aren't lying around......it's really like they are waiting to die there.

Well......today I had to leave mid-day to go to an offsite and get something signed by the big boss. As I was returning and sitting at a light, a firetruck goes racing by.....I think nothing of it. I go park my car in the temp employee lot (half mile away) and walk to the office.

As I'm approaching I see the firetruck outside.....wow, that's interesting...wonder what is happening? Oh, there is an ambulance........hey a stretcher......what is on the stretcher????

Yep.....an old lady. I can't make this shit up people....its just as I called it.


Wednesday, July 25, 2007

It can be fixed

Ummmm........Anne Hathaway.....there are doctors who can fix the nose. Just consider it....really. I sort of don't mind you so I'm just trying to help.


The drudgery of work

For those of you who have read my stuff and feel like you know me to some degree you get the picture that I'm not one for work. Simply not a big fan. In the past I found plenty of ways to divert my attention and I made work a social occasion or productive time to spend on my fantasy sports teams. Actual work was just a diversion.

My new gig sucks. This place is on lockdown. No personal email, no IM, no phone calls....you actually have to have a code to make any calls (not a huge deal cause I just go make calls on my cell phone). Add in the fact that I share a cube with some dude who is constantly looking over my shoulder and its simply no fun. I used to be able to fill 10 hours of "work" with plenty to do but I find myself pretty much ready to be done with the day by 11am.

I honestly don't know how people do it at a place like this......actual work....and dumb work. There is NOTHING interesting about this place so I can't believe there aren't more bodies laying around after killing themselves.

Another note on work. I have been inside 10-15 companies and I have NEVER seen so many old women who actually work. I'm not talking admins.....these old ladies have actual positions....not necessarily good positions but they have real positions. I'm talking 50 year old ladies.....ALOT of them. It sort of freaks me out for some reason.


Cmon Lindsay.......

It's a damn good thing nobody really reads this cause I could have lost alot of money. I gave Lindsay Lohan 69 days as the over / under on her sobriety. I figured she'd really try a little bit but NOOOOOOOO......You didn't even make it a week. You are truly a train wreck. Quite the mess.

I was just flipping through channels and they interview a girl at some boutique where Lindsay was shopping "just hours before her arrest".....well 10 hours. The interviewer asked the girl "how was she acting...did she seem normal". The girl said "actually yes, she looked beautiful and was just having fun shopping, everything seem quite normal". She was arrested at 2AM.....you saw her at 4Pm in the middle of the afternoon....it's not so unbelievable that she seemed normal...ie. NOT drunk at 4pm in the afternoon while out shopping. She wasn't arrested for hacking a bf into pieces so why wouldn't she seem normal?

This media is really too much. Of course Lindsay is too much but quite frankly she is just plain sad at this point.


Tuesday, July 24, 2007

Congrats Kellie

See....I can say nice things. I want to congratulate Kellie Pickler on her recent loss of weight. Last I saw her in some horrible green dress on American Idol she looked like an overripe green tomato ready to explode and cause a mess of tomato gook everywhere.

You are probably still stupid (I'm just guessing based on this picture that you haven't gotten that 8th grade diploma yet) but at least you look good.....or better.....well as good as you are going to look.



Some people reading this might think I'm an asshole. Well you are right for the most part.

I've recently been doing some thinking about that and thinking that maybe I should be nicer. Maybe that would result in good karma that would come back to help me on my path of trying to become very wealthy. Good karma seems to benefit some people.

I have thought about trying to be nicer and not say the things I say here but I simply can't. When I saw the pic of Will Smith my first thought in my head was "fall". I can't help that it just was.

So that's the end of that pursuit. I'm pretty much still going to be an asshole.


Mixed Feelings

At first viewing this picture of Will Smith I thought to myself...."Please fall and be done so we can get over you and not be annoyed by you the rest of our lives". Then I thought...."nah...with my luck, you'd end up paralyzed and be the next Christopher Reeves and we'd have to see you all mangled in a wheel chair talking about rights for the handicapped for the next 20 years". All the while that annoying wife of yours would be there by your side doing what she does best....being annoying.

Its a no win situation so fall....don't fall....I don't care.


A day out gone bad

RUN Kate Beckinsale....RUN as fast as you can.....Don't look over your right shoulder just move as fast as you can out of the way and hope the beast eats someone else....push your child to safety Kate cause she'd make a tasty morsel for the beast in pink.

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Playing it Safe

The Price is Right went the safe route. I must say I am disappointed. I don't really hate Drew Carey mainly because I don't watch any of his shows to be annoyed by him. He is one of those guys I just avoid because he doesn't do anything for me.

Problem with the selection now is that I have to avoid the Price is Right because he'll just annoy me there. I think its the way he squints.....I don't like his squinty little rat looking facial things.

Ok......he does annoy me now that I think about it.

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Monday, July 23, 2007


I have to comment on the sensation taking over the paparrazi surrounding the Beckhams. I have said before that I don't really care whether the MLS continues or folds. Makes no difference to me at all. Again, I'm not sure if it makes much difference to the Beckhams either except for the impact on their celebrity status.......by the time the MLS would fold these two are already megastars so not sure they care.

Few points of note on the Beckhams: he could take over Matty Mc as People's poster boy for male hot. Matty Mc seems to be yesterday's news as DB has rode to town.

Again, I don't actually care if soccer in America lasts but I am interested in the sociological study as to whether DB can do what others before him couldn't. Pele came to play in America when he was the best player in the world....didn't matter....nobody cared. Freddy Adu came as the savior of soccer.....nobody really cared.

DB has things going for him that these two didn't: 1) he comes with "star power" in a media crazed town of papparazi which will shower him with attention maintaining a spotlight on him. 2) he has a hot wife....more reason to keep him in the spotlight. 3) comes with instant credibility in the game...Pele had this but didn't have the 'star power' that DB draws or the media world of today. 4) DB chose the right town.

So the question I remain interested in is whether DB will have an impact on soccer in the US (in the long term....definitely will in the short term because people will flock initially) or will he just be People's new posterboy?

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Reserved Parking

My new gig requires consultants to park about a mile away from the building. Not too bad when it’s 70 degrees out but I can already see the heat of August causing some issues for me.

When I rule my own kingdom I’m going to have a spot right out front with my name on it. Let all the minions have something to aspire toward. It’ll be the second spot from the front door. The first spot will be reserved for the Employee of the Month. Seeing as I will most likely be Employee of the Month most months I will have my choice of spots to park in. If I’m not Employee of the Month there will likely be VERY high turnover for the selection committee. Sure fire way to get fired…..volunteer for that committee and then make the mistake in thinking the King of the Kingdom doesn’t want Employee of the Month designation.


Mystery Bricks

Big News article about these bricks and their significance.

Maybe it was just some doofus brick layer who hated his job like most of us hate ours and this was a way to provide himself amusement during his monotonous day of "pick up brick...place brick here....slap down some stuff....pick up brick....place brick here....slap down some stuff....and so on and so on and so on".

Maybe the builder was a real F*&K up and messed up and had to fill some gaps in, then he had some pipe (or whatever that other stuff is) and just stuck in on there for good measure.

Quote from the article:
"Whether it was made in the 1970s or it was made in the 1850s, somebody still made this thing," Rocco Leonardis, an architect and brick aficionado, said as he looked it over in its warehouse crate. "No matter how we slice it, it's meaningful."

Hmmmm....maybe not....Rocco, maybe you want to come to understand that perhaps it ISN'T meaningful.

What I do know is that there seems to be alot of people out there who really don't want to have real jobs themselves (like me) so they find creative ways to become experts in silliness to appear to be doing something. This I can respect. If these morons are going home laughing at what other people believe them to be saying then more power to them. If they actually believe it themselves then shame on them.


Sunday, July 22, 2007

I know I can't.....I know I can't.....I know I can't

I LOVE train wrecks.

In the world of golf my favorite train wreck is named Sergio Garcia. I have actually taken to a fantasy golf league and for my own amusement I nickname each golfer based on certain characteristics. Sergio's nickname is Heimlich cause he's constantly choking.

British Open, 2007, 3 stroke lead for Sergio but what's this....a chicken bone....ooops....don't trip...ouch stumble and ahhhhh lost the tournament after holding a 3 stroke lead going into the final day.

Chug a chug a...chewwwww chewwww...BAMMMMMM. Heimlich always delivers the wreck and I love it.

editors note: I never had that much against this dude until he tried to show up Tiger in a major a few years back and failed to back it up (ie. he choked)

Revisting Planet of the Apes

Apparently the Geico caveman is going to have his own show this fall. On the surface it sounds silly and it very well might be dumb BUT.....I LOVE those commercials. I laugh everytime at everyone of them so I'm actually looking forward to it. Now I just have to figure out what I'll do between now and then.

Shouldn't be too hard to figure out when there is always Vodka, Olives and Miller Lite. Man's best friends.

Ohhhhhh.....and HELLO Training Camp. Football season is about to begin and I got lots of planning to do. Fantasy football, potential road trips to decide upon, draft days that will consume entire days.....put all this on top of chasing pipe dreams and no wonder I don't sleep.


Friday, July 20, 2007

Throw him a cabbage quick

What the hell is Brittany Murphy doing? She is married to a Silverback. Does she just get him on certain days when he isn't playing the part of lead gorilla for the zoo? This is the hairiest man I have seen since a certain individual I once worked with.

There is no way that is pleasurable for her. He must be good for the career....but I'm not sure she has done anything recently so guess thats not it.



The wet look tells all

I have always held a theory that you can really tell if a girl is hot with the wet look.

Using this theory we see Penelope Cruz wet. Hmmmmmm.....not so hot ms. Cruz. The sunken in eyes, big nose and horrible smile look is perfect for the haunted house though. One scary monster you could be.

I don't really have anything against Penelope but I do have to comment.



Well Britney....Oops, you've done it again...you're making a mess of yourself and this isn't going to be pretty.

I can't wait to hear your new song and see your new video. You need to resign yourself to the fact that you aren't the 17 year old hottie dancing in school girl outfits anymore. I actually don't have a clue how old you are but you have the body of a mid-30's housewife so maybe you should reinvent your image as such.

NOBODY is buying the hot Britney Spears anymore. NOBODY.

What a mess this is going to be.


Thursday, July 19, 2007

Emmy Nomination Snub of the Year

Can anyone PLEASE explain how the hell Brooke didn't get nominated for SOMETHING at the Emmy's? She was priceless all season. Didn't the nominating committee see her freak out when she heard how Davis told her she had a double chin (which she admitted to having)? Didn't anyone see that acting job on that 'bad ankle' that she would prance around in wearing a brace and high heels? The breakdowns? The emotional roller coaster?

Cmon committee.....throw Brooke a bone.

While you are at it....how about Danny on the Real World / Road Rules Duel show. Also priceless. Recount please.

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Chubby girls and cross dressers dancing. WHY am I supposed to see this movie again? Anyone able to explain this?


Ohhh Lindsay

Show the bracelet Lindsay.....cmon....show the bracelet. I got a bet going here (well, I have a line but nobody is taking the bet). I need proof. Every picture should show the bracelet Ms Lohan.



I don't know why this is so disturbing because this is how a preggo should look I guess but goddamn that bowling ball sticking out of Bridget Moynahan looks so goddamn unnatural that it's disturbing. You just want to run up to her and squeeze it and pop it like a gigantic zit or call for an ambulance to have the apparent tumor removed.

All I can think every time I look is "get that damn thing out...get it out".


Maybe Brit should revisit the 40s

This isn't very flattering and Britney simply shouldn't be in this suit. Maybe she should be bringing back models of bathing suits from the 40s where there is a bit more material to cover up that thigh action going on. The front side is bad enough but that back is problematic.

Looks like two hamhocks spewing out of a diaper.


Wednesday, July 18, 2007

Cheesing it up

Cheesiest celeb of the moment award goes the Fat One, Joey Fatone. Congrats you ass, I have nothing more to say.


Surfer Girl

Does anyone really believe Paris is surfing? What is her idea of surfing? Getting pulled out into the waves by a butler and then picked up by a jet ski to be escorted to shore?

Exactly what does she do? Does she just carry this pink board around pretending? I'm not buying for a minute that those bony arms paddling out into any waves? NO CHANCE.

By the way.....NOT a flattering pic. What's wrong with her knees? Nasty.


Good Time Charlie

I had to go to dinner last night with my boss, his peer (Charlie) and their boss. I thought the dinner was going to be horribly long and boring because I thought the place was going to be a fancy drawn out type of establishment (a place I knew of but had never been). We actually got in, conducted our business, had dinner served timely and got out with little pain.

Charlie is a guy in his mid to late 40’s from NYC relocating to this area. This dude is NY all the way and was is a hoot. Everything is MF this and that F’in that and these F’ers doing this. Turns out Charlie is staying in the same hotel as me and he makes a comment about possibly going to the bar in a bit….I say ‘not a horrible idea’. Next thing I know Charlie is calling me in that NY sort of aggressive, almost obnoxious way….’yeah, hey, so you wanna have a drink’? A number of drinks later and lots of F bombs from Charlie and I have friend I’m not sure I actually want.

I don’t know if its good news or bad news but Good Time Charlie is going to be moving into corporate housing real soon. Jury is out as to whether that’s a good thing or not. Part of me wants Charlie around and part of me knows its better for me if he’s not.

The downside of this evening was that I had full intention of watching Rock of Love on VH1 at 10 but didnt make it. No worries though, got it tivo'ed for this evening.


My Job

So I’m on this new gig two weeks now and starting to figure out what I’m supposed to be doing. It hasn’t been real easy figuring this out because I only talk to my boss about 30 minutes a day and he just starts spewing stuff at me.

After two weeks the dialogue is something like this:
Boss: What I need you to focus on is figuring out how we compare to our competitors in terms of cost. The issue is the information doesn’t exist anywhere so that’s going to be a challenge.
Me: So you want me to answer a question where there is no answer or data to derive an answer?
Boss: Ah, well, that’s one way to look at it.
Me: Is there another way to look at it cause I don’t really like that way.
Boss: I can’t think of any other way at this point but we need the answer very soon.
Me: the answer to that question that has no answer?
Boss: Correct that one.
Me: How much are you paying me to do this?
Boss: $xxMe: Ok….I guess I’ll go do something for that.
Boss: good, do it soon.


Tuesday, July 17, 2007

Vicky B

I saw this picture and had to comment. I'm holding out judgement on how hot Victoria Beckham actually is.

Two points of note here:
  1. Her arms are tiny....is she just a twig? I don't like twigs. The fake boobs can help but I wouldnt want to break her arm.
  2. Her lips are too small. They just won't do.
Maybe I need to see another pic but I'm not sold on you Vicky B. You are sort of cute but I don't know. Never been a big fan of brits really.

For some reason as soon as I typed Vicky I had flashbacks to one of my first crushes: Vicki Stubing of the Love Boat. God she was hot when I was 8.


Jessie Not Looking Good

I can't exactly put my finger on it but look at this pic and tell me what's wrong. She claims not to have had any plastic surgery and if her boobs are real then god bless her but I'm not talking about her boobs.

Look at that face. It looks like its ready to shatter. I think if I flicked her nose the entire face would shatter to pieces on the ground. What a tragedy that would be.


Goddamn People

YES....I AM pissed.

My experiment didn't last very long. Matty Mc couldnt last more than 3 weeks. I thought this was going to be a 30 week run at least. Asshole get your shirt off and hit the beach. I had a streak going.

I think what might happen is Matty Mc might be replaced by David Beckham but I'm not sure there are enough pics of Davey-boy without a shirt.

On a related note, I was watching VH1 last night and there was some wierd show on about celebrities and they were showing footage of Matty Mc on the beach. That dude really is a freak. At one point he was like humping the sand. I'm sure it was some form of stretching / yoga move but sure looked like he was humping.


Rules of Sobriety

I should know this but I don't.....Isn't one of the top 5 Rules of getting sober that you need to change your environment, the people you hang out with, the things you do? Now I'm not saying you can never go out again or be friends with your old pals but I'm pretty sure that it's NOT a good idea to go to Las Vegas straight from rehab.

Personally I love it. This is what I live for. I actually think Ms. Lindsay has a shot this time to make it for a bit. There really isn't much more to say on Lindsay right now but I await her next battle with the beast we call booze.

I'm setting a line on how long it will take. I think she got out on July 14th. I'm setting the over/under at 69 days until you are caught drinking. Arrest not necessary, rehab again not necessary. Just a picture of you and booze or passed out or something. I was going to go 65 but what the hell.....69 is a nice number. You have until September 21st.

Feel free to take the over /under


Monday, July 16, 2007

A treat for me

I gotta say....this day started out pretty shitty. I got two hours of sleep.....cause I just don't sleep anymore really...not unless I'm drunk and even that's starting to not help.

So I had two hours sleep and had to leave at 4:45 to arrive for a meeting. Not a good beginning.

Then when I got to work there was no place to sit, no computer and no access to the internet so that meant......nap time in the hotel. Looking up.

Then I wake up and get my work done for tomorrow. Beautiful, cause my buddy is coming in and we are going to grab a drink. There is another guy from a prior life working at the same place. He started the same day I did and has no other friends so now I have an instant friend. I wasn't sure last week if he liked my humor and could handle me or if he was serious but by the end of the week he was asking me to grab lunch and dinner and stuff so I realized "I think he likes my ramblings" so good I at least have a friend and we are going to have a drink. We haven't crossed the line of where we both let each other know we are actually borderline alcoholics but I think he has potential to keep up so I dont have to go drink alone in my room.

That takes me to this moment. I'm sitting in my room and I hear housekeeping screaming in foreign tongue. "go away...I'm fine" I say. More foreign tongue "ishkabibble blahdy blah ishka". I don't have any pants on so I just want them to go away.....more foreign tongue. Ok, OK...I'm coming.

By the way....as I'm going for the door there is a thought running through my head that I'm going to open the door to some hooker standing there and then what the hell do I do? Not the case, so no worry.

In fact I open the door to some pleasant, elderly asian housekeeping lady with a plate of chocolate covered strawberries. "Ishkabibble blahdy blah ishka" actually meant "complimentary for you". The tray also had some random cookies and other lesser desserts but I struck heaven with 5 chocolate covered strawberries sitting on top of a plate of shaved chocolate.

Gonna be tasty after a vodka.

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Not sure about this one

I'm all for horrible reality tv and in fact I'm very upset that I got caught up in doing shit to get ready for my week and didn't even realize last night that two (bound to be) train wrecks were on last night: the poison guy playing bachelor guy for a bunch of white trash morons and scott baio's show about whatever. I'll catch the repeat....won't happen again.

Anyway this is about Ms. Victoria. OK, OK....I concede Ms Vicky and Mr. Beckham are hot, fine. Do we really need a show watching her come to America? What can this possibly be about? I want to watch but I'm grabbing a drink with a friend so gonna miss out this week but will have to try again for next week.

Speaking of these two anyway.....For Beckham to want to come to America where soccer is the redheaded, retarded stepchild I've gotta wonder if he's more interested in just being pure famous than actually caring about soccer. Freddie Adu was supposed to be the Tiger Woods of American Soccer but he was too young. Now Beckham is supposed to be the Tiger but I'm just not sold he actually cares.....let alone america caring much.

I don't actually care either way as long as it doesn't interfere with my American Football watching.


Thanks Papa....You're Swell

Apparently someone isn't that up to date on social issues like the abuse of prescription drugs or the highly addictive nature of said prescription drugs. I was chatting with my dad this weekend and made a joke about a pain killer to numb myself. Dad spoke right up and said "I have two prescriptions of vicodin sitting at home...I hate them, they make me nauseous....you can have them".

He clearly doesn't know what he offered me. I happened to know he had these pain killers cause I saw them sitting out one day. Only reason I didn't sneak a few then was because of the pending pee-pee in a cup test. Now that I got that out of the way, I'll be visiting daddy soon.

Silly man.


Friday, July 13, 2007

First Week Synopsis

I never had access to the internet so sat in my hotel room ALOT. Sitting alone in my hotel room with my Adult ADD pretty much meant alot of blogging, not much work and that's pretty much that.

I basically learned the entire industry in the last 4 days so I'm over it.

I am happy to report that I think I'm not actually expected to do any work. I just need to find another group that can do it and then I will manage them. If I find people who are alot smarter in the business than I am I'm pretty golden. I'll just do a statement of work, review their stuff and sit in my room. Much better than working.


Summer Time

Ohhhh yeah...its summer time in full swing. What's that mean? That means the truckers got their kids on the road. "Well son, you gonna come with me on the haul for the week....gonna teach you a few things about the road".

Gonna teach you how to shower yourself in the rest area bathroom sinks. Gonna teach you the finer points of dining on Roy Rogers and Sbarro. Gonna teach you how to pick yourself out a good ho at the truck stops and be sure they aren't the law. Gonna teach you how to get girls in the passing cars to flash their tits.

I'm not going to teach you how to drag an unsuspecting dude out of his car and butt rape him in the stall cause I ain't into that but my friend Willy is so if you'd like, he'll show you.

Oh yeah son....time to make a man out of you.

Yep......never noticed this before but for some reason seemed like every trucker has a son with him.


Thursday, July 12, 2007

Ah Mam...please handle the pumpkins properly

So I read the story about poor Amy Polumbo being blackmailed about some racy photos and sure I get a little excited. I'm figuring "cool, beauty queen in porn shots....what's not to like about this scandal".

Then I read the story and the shots were just one of her with her legs in the air, one with her bf biting her breast through a shirt and another with her holding up pumpkins to her breasts.

When did this world get sooooo uptight that a woman can't compare her breasts to her favorite fruit or vegetable. Pretty soon a guy won't be able to hold up a zucchini to his crotch and then run for president. As if Obama has never done that.....right.


Heather Down...Heather Down

I saw this on Perez Hilton and I can't agree with her (i mean him) more.

Donna Mills doing axles and toe loops should be pay per view. These advertising spots better go for Super Bowl type proportions. You'd have to pay me alot NOT to watch this pending disaster.

The thing I don't like is that this bitch will actually continue to get endeared and become more loveable to those she has won over by pulling this stunt. "Ohhh poor Heather fell again....Ohhh that Mills lady is just so strong a woman".

Give it a rest. Trying to maintain and further her relevance.



Hi Jessica....how are you? You look standard for you.

Ummmm....stocky, hawaiin, gayish looking guy....who are you? and how do you get to hang out with Jessica Alba? I simply don't get this. Jessica, can't you find a better gay stylist than this dude?

Mood swing: just went from annoyed to puzzled.


Clean Yourself up Man

Dirty looks fine on some people, even good on some people but for some reason every time I see Ben Affleck he just doesn't pull off dirty. He ends up looking more homeless than stylish. I want to throw him a dollar or two rather than ask for an autograph.

Maybe I just don't care for him and that's why. I don't really know but I'm bothered now. I was in a fine mood with my whole twisted zookeeper thing and now this. I should have stopped while I was ahead.

Oh well....I know just how to get over it.


What can you say about this?

Parents of 'Caged Kids' Want Them Back

I'm pretty sure that when you put your kids in a cage thats considered unfit parenting and you shouldn't really try getting them back. It was nice of you all to take them in since nobody else seemed to want them but taking in mentally challenged kids just so you can fulfill your personal zookeeper fantasies doesn't seem to be a good thing. I wonder if these people threw them bananas into the cages or dressed them up like animals.

This really isn't funny but I'm sort of warped so I'm just sharing my thoughts. Can you imagine these people creating different cages and dressing each kid like a different animal and walkin around like zookeepers. Maybe they put one of the young ones in with an older one and pretend that the "lion" just had a baby.

I wonder just how sick these people are.

Now if they need money and are trying to sell maybe they should consider selling to a community group that would be interested in a neighborhood zoo. The cages are already built....why not?


Wednesday, July 11, 2007

Holy Banana Peels Batman

Maybe it's just the picture but when I hit next and this came up all I could think is "god, that's ONE BIG ASS banana being peeled and it's upside down". There's shit flowing everywhere....bright yellow with just enough black to pull in that ripe banana feel.

I don't know Queen. I've always sort of liked you as an icon but HOLY bananas.

Thing is this was at a premiere of Hairspray I think so I'm sure they were all whacked out. Goddamn Jonny T.


El Makemesicke

J-LO.....WHAT are you doing? PLEASE stop this insanity. You have NEVER put out a good movie so just spare us all. No way can El Cantante be any good.

Go back to singing or something. Have you had any songs of any order of importance lately? Ok, so don't do that either. Sell fake asses or something. Become a spokesperson for that business. Sell clothes to huge assed women maybe....that seems a fit for you. ACTUALLY, if you insist on being an actress then focus on big ass porn fetish movies. You'd be great for that. Nobody expects you to act, they just want to see your big ass. If you don't want to have sex then maybe you could do guest star appearances in the films or just sponsor your line of big ass movies or something of that nature.

I don't know what you should do but can you please give the movie business a break. Why do these singers get so big they think they can act when they simply can't.

Except Mark Wahlberg....he's cool.


New Friends

I love people as you can probably tell and I like making new friends too. For instance today at work I made 2 new friends:

1) There is a mentally challenged girl in the pantry who seems to like to talk to me. I walked in once and she told me there were no cup holders and said a few other things I didn't actually get. I went back later figuring it was safe but she was there and assisted me in telling me there was no water...."I don't know what to tell you". I guess she lives in the pantry.

2) Ivy face pointed me to the library as a place to possibly get some research. I figured maybe THIS corporate library actually has someone who knows something (wrong but not the point here). The librarian took a shine to me because I started asking about the books and whether I could take one out even though I'm not in the system yet. Typical librarian.....ANYONE who shows the slightest interest in reading and they thrilled. She was all pushy about me getting a book, signing up, showing me this system online, etc. I ran into the 60 year old, cane walking librarian about 3 more times today and kept getting the same thing "you gonna come back monday right....get a book out right". If I play my cards right with this old lady I might get homemade cookies.

I thought I made another friend but thats really the only people I talked to all day other than this pompous dude that I already know I DONT like. The security guard found me amusing too but he's not allowed to laugh cause he's watched by a camera so he just sort of smirks and then says "that's funny" out of the corner of his mouth....guess he isn't allowed to talk either.


Its a Sprint Man

This is my new boss' favorite saying...."Its a Sprint Man". Boy do I have bad news for him, I don't sprint. Gave that up with baseball when I was 13.

That said, I'm willing to play the game. I'm going to show up in a retro runner's outfit. Basically I'm going to dress like the pic BUT with a headband for added effect. I'm going to start showing up at work everyday AND I'm going to jog in place every time I'm in his office. If he asks what I'm doing, I'm going to tell him I'm either cooling down or warming up....depending on the specific circumstance of course.


Tuesday, July 10, 2007

My First Meeting

I was asked to meet with a guy for some background on my new place of business and the industry in general. I was warned in advance that the guy looks like an alien due to a fight with a poison ivy plant so don’t be shocked when I see him.

Well I was shocked. This guys face was beat red with splotches everywhere. The picture is not far off. The blotches weren’t quite pussing but some sure looked like they wanted to. It was like the proverbial train wreck…..I was horrified yet couldn’t look away.

Two main points to this story other than the obvious comedy:

    1. There was a bottle of calamine lotion on his desk. I was DYING for him to put it on for his comfort and for added comedy of just sitting there looking at him with splotches of that pink lotion on him…….actually, why does he have this at work? There is NO way he can apply that and walk around the office. Nobody could do that.Publish Post
    2. As I sat there and talked to this Ivy guy I immediately started getting itchy myself on my face. So now here I am with this poor bastard with ivy blotches all over his face and I can’t stop scratching my face. Then I start thinking, this guy probably thinks I’m jacking him off so I try to stop but that’s not comfy…sitting there scratching my face. Meanwhile he’s the one with poison ivy all over himself and he didn’t scratch a once.


Bumper Cars

What do you get when you have a generally irresponsible person, with too much caffeine, in his system, no food, a vitamin that supports weight loss meaning more caffeine and a rental car that (apparently) doesn’t have rear sensors like the person’s personal vehicle?

You get said person backing out of a space in a hotel parking lot WAY faster than he should, not paying attention to anything behind him and a little round of bumper cars…..but then, that’s what bumpers are for I’ve always said.

Mental note to self: you can’t rely on rear sensors in every car you drive just cause its 2007 and you have them.

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AOL's Weight Loss Guide

AOL's home page has 14 tips to easy weight loss without even trying. For all you people of larger proportions out there don't get too excited.....this is no weight loss program of any sort because as we all know such a thing...'lose weight without trying'....doesn't exist and never will.

Anyway the tips were pretty standard: drink more water, drink BIG bottles of water, sip green tea, dip bread in oil rather than butter

Some were sort of silly: chew gum, fidget, set the table while you talk on the phone (not sure why you burn more while talking on the phone but AOL must know), CHUNK your veges in your salad rather than shred cause you'll have to chew more.

See, none of these are weight loss methods they are methods to keep you metabolism as high as you can while you actually put off any true methods.

BUT......the one I really DID like.....the one that is FOOLPROOF: Eat in front of a mirror.

Now that truly is ingenious. For those of us who want to lose weight simply put mirrors all around the kitchen. I'd even go as far as to recommend eating naked in front of the mirror. You'd have to at least cut down on your portions if you sat there staring at yourself naked with a plateful of food.....bypass dessert??? Something would have to give.