Train Wreck of the Week

Bobby Brown and Whitney Houston are priceless. One minute they are being seen together out in public, the next they are fighting about custody of their kid. I guess Bobby is all well and good when you need a fix eh Whit.

Actually makes sense.....why would you want your crack pusher watching your kid? That Whit is sharp as a Whip. Whit the Whip.

Random Thoughts - again

Oohhhhhh here was another random thought.....

Stupid Drew Carey and his show power of 10 is on. I want to hear interesting questions like "how many americans admitted to masturbating at work". Now THAT will make the show interesting.

Real World Australia

Ummmmmm Kelly Anne....tease of the century. HELLO.....now you are off Dunbar and on the redneck (I don't know his fucking name.....cahatta, cohatta....somethign like that). You just pursue and tease whatever you don't have.

That said, Dunbar is horrible and I'm glad I don't have to watch a season of him running around like a stud that he's not. Thank Fucking God.

Oh well....that was the entire show. Dunbar up.....Dunbar crashed....Kelly-Anne moves on and teases redneck. WOW....there's 30 minutes of my life.

Random Thoughts

This is a topic near and dear to my heart....random thoughts.

For instance....why do ALL old people at the rest areas figure they need to eat ice cream???? You are hard-pressed to find an old person without ice-cream travelling the highways.

The Big Cheez-it rocks......love the Big Cheez-it.

I had more but lost them.

Ohhhhh.....who are you 60 people on my blog today? Why are you hear? I assume I won't hear from any of you but 60 is alot today. BIG SPIKE for the buffoon.

Thanks for coming......come back....tell your friends.....I gotta make some money and get noticed (or vice versa).

That's It Katharine

Keep eating Katharing McPhee. You're gonna chunk back up in no time. Chunky chunkster not going to be so hot very soon.

Have you seen what's happened to Kelly Clarkson? Do you want that for yourself? Just put that piece down....you've probably had enough.....go ahead.....down......put it down.

Nice Work

Good job Kate Hudson now look what you've gone and done. Did the Black Crowes dude try to off himself after they broke up? Maybe she is just that good.

Thanks Hillary

This I like. I'm tired of all the incestuous dating of the famous people. Granted this guy is a hockey player and not just some schmo off the street but AT LEAST he's not another actor or model.

This pleases me simply because my first thought isn't "figures.....they're together".

Amy Winehouse

I keep thinking that I simply have no reason to care about Amy Winehouse or her husband Blake Fielder-Civil. I keep assuming they are just going to get out of my life (ie. People will stop putting pictures of them on their site) but they keep reappearing.

It's getting so bad that I'm now starting to question whether there is reason I should care. Is there good music associated with these two goofy looking fucks that I would really like? Do I need to download a few samples and start caring? Are they just famous cause she's such a mess?

Do I need to get out of control freaky fucked up on drugs and start cutting myself for this damn blog to be noticed? Maybe I need to learn something from Amy Winehouse and not care about her. Maybe that's my path to fame......self destruction. If this dumb bitch has no talent that it's just the self destruction anyone cares about so that's my ticket.

I just might start tonight with a Vicodin to get the ball rolling. If that goes well then maybe next week I'll cut myself in my hotel room. Who the hell is going to find me though???? I have a flaw in my system.

Oh my lucky stars

What lucky stars you are asking???? My lucky Dancing with the Stars.

I was out with old buddies from prior work (one as amusing as ever, 2 as dull as ever but harmless, 1 that just doesn't know when it's time to leave)....anyway....had a few....have no work to do today so I'm hanging in my room most of the morning and I'm flipping through channels. Turn to ABC and wouldn't you know they are doing a show to preview who will be on this season's Dancing with the Stars.

This was all spoiled by TMZ yesterday so I already know the answer but its still amusing to watch.

Of note:

Kari Ann (the judge) can't read off a card.....she literally needs to go back to 4th grade.
Marie Osmond has 8 kids.....you really take that mormon shit seriously don't you Marie? I can't wait to see how she looks.
Mel B aka Scary Spice is on this season. Mel B and Dancing with the D-Listers is trying to ride the wave of Victoria Beckham's revival of spice girl popularity.
Jenny Garth is on the show. Isn't she like 45? Should she still be Jenny? Isn't it time to grow up?
Wayne Newton is the old man of the year. Going to be the charming old guy that gets carried to the round of 5. Over / Under on Wayne is 5 ladies and gentlemen.
There are some really random people. Apparently the rumor from TMZ that Tori Spelling was going to be on is wrong. I wondered why they'd have two ex-90210'ers at the same time. There is no horrible old athletes. I think the only athlete is Floyd Mayweather who is guaranteed to be the most fit dancer and actually could be ok because boxers can move.

Just what i was looking for........

I need a stick to hold up my tomato plant and Mary-Kate Olsen will do just fine. Perfect. Just stick her in the ground and tie her on to my plant.

Hope she doesn't mind being watered or dirt in her toes.

Scary and Hairy

Ouch Christina Aquilera.......he doesn't seem attractive at all. Funny looking, ugly and hairy.

I REALLY don't understand why someone would date a hairy man. There can't be enough redeeming qualities to make up for that......oh......unless there are about $10Million 'qualities' maintained by the local neighborhood banker.

PS. by the way Christina, you look nice. Seems like you've gained a few pounds. Don't gain anymore but I like the "non-stick" version of you.

Who Knew

Ben Affleck has a kid.......did anyone know this? I mean EVERY goddamn Startracks (where I get my inspiration) on People.com has a picture of him with the damn kid always doing nothing.

Again, this isn't about Benji-boy, this is about People.com. Hey, assholes, we GET IT. Ben walks around holding his kid alot. They aren't doing anything so why do you think we care.

Here's the captions:

"After celebrating his birthday earlier this month with his two favorite gals, Ben Affleck enjoys one-on-one time with daughter Violet, 20 months, during a stop at the Brentwood Country Mart in Brentwood, Calif., on Sunday."

see doing nothing. Who cares????? God....its too early for me to be getting my blood boiling like this. Maybe a little porn to calm my nerves.

82 Minutes???

I've been out of touch a bit between being busy at work and recovering from "man day" on Saturday (Sunday was NOT a good day.......I did meet one of the most deranged guys ever on Saturday.....I just hung out with him and giggled in a drunken stupor for 18 holes of golf).

Anyway, Nicole Richie only had to do 82 Minutes of jail time??? Is that really it for her? This is crazy.....I actually don't even know what she did but is it really worth tax payers money to put ANYONE in jail for 82 minutes?

This isn't about Nicole Richie people....this is about taxpayers money. I'm an advocate of the people (ok....that's just as ridiculous as the 82 minutes but I figured I'd see how it sounded when I typed it out loud........and quite frankly I'm giggling to myself just thinking it.....as if I care about the normal moron).

A Guy's Dream Day

NOOOOO......I'm not going to the AVN awards with Jenna Jameson on my arm but for me this day has potential to be about as good as it gets......at least pretty good.

I'm golfing all day with 16 guys, then going right to my buddies house where we are going to continue drinking, order disgustingly greasy pizza and other foods, draft fantasy football teams (i know most of you have no appreciation for this) and then play cards until 3AM.

The real beauty of this is most of the guys are probably morons......I only know a couple and they certainly are.....however, the best way to deal with morons is to focus the conversations. Hanging out with 15 other morons making small talk is a nightmare but if the conversation is completely focused and isolated on golf, beer, the beer girl, football, pizza, cards it completely eliminates any deviation into dumb conversations.

Now that's as close to a dream day as you can get with a bunch of dudes.

How Freakin Cute

Did John ever date Olivia? I'm not so sure but who didn't see the Vanessa Hudgens and Troy Bolton duo coming? Pretty soon some catchy little name for them....pictures in every magazine and then BAM....the eventual train wreck that will send one of them off the deep end.

Vanessa, take a close look at Britney. This is exactly what you don't want to become. See if you can stop it. Go ahead....I dare you.

As I went to find a picture I snagged this one. She is pretty damn cute, I'll give her that. Sort of.....oh, never mind.

Real World Australia - from last week

Some chick Trisha just called her hometown bf and broke up with him because she's upset that he hasn't called. She has no idea what she has done and is upset. UMMMMMM....you went on a show, across the world to Australia where everybody is always hooking up with everybody else. Maybe THATS what you've done?

Right after trying to convince herself that she is still in love with the hometown honey, she calls Alex the cute aussie boy to come over and hang out. UMMMMM....maybe this is exactly why Jarod is upset with you.

Dude from Cleveland is upset that the big boobed girl wants to slut it up with the aussies after having made out with him night one. Hey dude from cleveland, take the lesson from Wes and Nehemiah.....booty drawer.

If they don't show shots from the waist up (ie. tits) I can't tell two of these girls apart. Neck down they are different....faces are VERY close. One has super big boobs that I'm not sure are real.

Power Of Drew

Drew Carey is a horrible game show host. He just doesn't have enough pep in his step to pull shit out. He is doing some dumb show called the Power of 10. The theory of the show is actually not that bad but he single handedly brings it down. He just lacks energy.

Price is right is going to suck.

As a rule of thumb maybe you shouldn't take a dopey moron who makes a show about the fact that he IS a dopey moron and think he'll be anything but a dopey moron.

If he doesn't stop laughing at himself like a funhouse clown I'm going to throw something at the TV. I could just change the channel and watch the dumb bimbo trying to be an anchor woman but I can't turn from this mess. I seem to love the infuriation.

Spin the Wheel....Get a Date

These stars are almost TOO incestuous. Cameron Diaz is now dating John Mayer who dated Jessica Simpson who was married to Nick Lachey who....who.....who.....who.......

I'm starting to think there is a secret place with names of people on it and famous people just go there and spin the wheel and it tells you who to date next.

I don't think there is any real magic to the process. When you are ready to start dating you go spin the wheel. The names get changed up based on who is available at that time but the wheel is always there.

It's not a bad method really. Seems to work nicely for Cameron and John. Not sure John is who you are going to make Justin jealous with but HEY....thats what came up on the wheel.

John Jr.

Is there any doubt in anyone's mind that we are seeing the second coming of John Travolta???? Zac Efron IS him. I mean Vinny Barbarino....Troy Bolton. All the singing and dancing.

In 20 years there is a slight chance that I'm more mature than I am or maybe busier or something and I'm not doing THIS for no real reason BUT I almost hope I am just so I can say to all 5 of you reading "uh huh......look at what a freak he became".

It might not be Scientology for Zac but it will be something. He's been ordained the up and coming freak freakster.....dancing his way to freakdom. Does that make his co-star Vanessa Ann Hudgens the next Olivia Newton John?

I actually had to IMDB (now a verb) Vanessa's name and I see that High School Musical 3 has been announced. Not that that's a shocker but the real question is when will it end??? 5? 10?....I can see High School Musical 20 when Troy and Gabrielle have their own kid in high school and Sharpay is sleeping with him.

Great.....just great.

Thoughts for the Day

I'm buried in edits and print mode so not alot of time for keeping up with the morons of the world. I'm pretty much locked in a room with them all day discussing wording choices and I do so love it.

Swim team is the best activity EVER......EVER. If you don't believe me just ask my bosses' boss' admin. She tells me EVERY DAY for some reason. The color printer is by her desk and I am print-boy so I have to hear about it all the time. This little bulldog chick has no idea how close she is to getting popped. If she wasn't married, I'd assume she was a butch lesbian cause she's always talking about playing softball (in addition to swim team).

Coffee and Diet Coke is now a stable in my morning routine.

Step 2 of 1000 in path to mega-wealth successful......degree of success will be determined by the whether a couple individuals can do what they say. If they can, we proceed directly to step 30ish (maybe even step 150....this is an arbitrary process) and bypass alot of bullshit. And you people think I'm just a moron making dumb comments about Matty Mc and Paris Hilton. Sillies.

Speaking of.......what's with Nicki Hilton???? Is she just a bad marketer? Can't she self promote? Why isn't she out there as much? Doesn't want it? I don't get it. Should be easy path for her.

Thinking outside the box

I was getting some coffee in the little pantry this morning and decided to first have a little diet coke. Then I poured the coffee and didn't want cream....I figured....maybe a little diet coke in my coffee.

YUM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thats all I need to say. WHY has nobody ever thought to put a little soda in the coffee rather than cream, milk, fru-fru flavored creams. This is unbelievably delish and I get MORE caffeine.

SIDENOTE: After 16 years apparently I can drink tequila again. I only did one shot but its nice to know I'm able. Probably better I didn't know but I do and now who knows what can happen with this new found knowledge.

Crazy Rob

I'm leaving for the week today because I'm going to meet Crazy Rob....my business partner....today to take step 1 of 1000 in becoming wealthy. Oh....and to get a bottle of pain killers from him.

Yipppeeeee....I can take a few months and be numb to the morons in the world.

What the F

When did Sandra Bullock jump on the "I want to be a pencil" bandwagon?

Am I missing something or does she look like a pin here?

Just what the world needs, another titless stick. Maybe its the wardrobe which is horrible as far as I can tell.

ATTACK

Ladies and Gentlemen....this is a public service announcement. Please stay in your homes and lock your doors. We are being attacked by aliens from Venus. Please DO NOT leave your homes if you live near a beach (apparently these aliens like the beach). These aliens appear to be breastless females with military haircuts. Unclear where they carry their weapons but they appear dangerous.

No....seriously Mena Suvari.....that was a horrible idea.

Halle Berry

Ouch.....Looking a little rough.

Outfit: not flattering
Legs: tattered, bad knees
Gut: halle has a gut???? who knew...is it real?
Breasts: not bad

Clean yourself up Halle and come back at me with your best.

My past week:

Boss: This memo is all wrong....guys we aren't capturing the essence of the nuance of the points we need to be making.....we NEED to say blah blah blah.....we have to explicitly state blah blah blah. (2 hours)
Me and Team rework everything: 4-6 hours
Bosses Boss: nooo......guys, this is all wrong....we are saying this way to strong here....we don't want to explicitly say.....blah blah blah....we want to say blip blip blip......
Boss: No bosses boss....I don't think we shoudl approach it that way....we MUST say blah blah blah
Bosses Boss: I really want to say blip blip blip....in fact I wouldnt even say blip #3, I'd just leave it at blip blip now that I think of it
(4 hours)
Me and Team rework everything: 4 hours at night

For those of you keeping track at home that 15 hours a day of playing the part of tennis ball going back and forth.

We are now on day 5 of this. Every day the same thing. SAME EXACT THING.....I'm about to get on a call at 5 with boss and bosses boss. I'm on my 4th beer cause I just can't handle this anymore.

MAJOR FUCKING MORONS

Best Chest

People is running a best chest contest.......of Men. Certainly they have to fix it so Matty Mc or David Beckham (their new poster boy) will win.

Sorry, no gratuitous pictures for the ladies. Can't go there.

I know whats happening....can't fool me

I'm working with this woman from another firm who is probably mid-40s, single, might be a lesbian (unclear on this but seems to be a definite possibility). She mentioned she was going on a weekend trip over labor day.....I asked where she was going......she didn't want to say so I didn't just let up. She said "people look at me funny cause I'm going far away for just a weekend....let's just say I'm going west". I said "cali isnt that far for a weekend". She said "further west". I said "hawaii??? thats a long ways". She said "further than hawaii" and I looked at her funny as she knew I would.

That made me think. This is like one of those things you read about where guys just take off to Thailand to spend a brief weekend with underage male prostitutes. This lady is probably going over there for the same reason....underage hookers (which gender......still not sure).

Need a Nap

Work is boring me to tears and I'm hung over today. I didn't drink for 4 days and then my buddy gave me the key to the concierge floor at the hotel I'm at.....SOOOOO....I had a glass of wine, then another......oh then another.

Then I went to my room and took a nap until my crazy business partner (I'll call him that but there ain't much business yet) called me and woke me up. Talked to him for an hour and was all wired as I tend to get from talking to crazy rob. So what do you do when you are wired and have a little buzz???? Well if you are me you add to it.

What followed was a real live show I couldn't stop watching. 3 guys sitting in the middle of the bar with one girl on the end. I never actually got a look at the girl because she was facing away from me.....seemed like she could be ok but a little chunky. One guy in the middle was the obvious ring leader and VERY loud. The entire conversation was all about the $100 glasses of wine they were all drinking (I had my first vodka in front of me)......then there was talk of $250 a shot Louis XIII.......loud guy wanted to see a manager to strike a deal with him on the shots.....then there was the purchase of a bottle of Louis XIII at some amount in the multiple thousands......then some fat chick showed up to drink michelob draft while the guys and one girl (who was not part of the group but just sitting there) were drinking the wines and Louis.

Loud guy disappeared while I was on my second vodka and I thought the show was over. He had someone carry his Louis up to the room for him....he wanted to feel special. These guys all had southern accents....they were from Orlando. They all looked like they walked out of a trailer so I was sucked into watching it all.

The girl who was on her own was sitting next to one of the guys who was hitting on her and she seemed interested as her legs were almost straddling his stool to some degree (skirt on, bare legs, I"m sure he got a view right up the skirt).

Just as I'm about to leave loud guy reappears and starts ordering more $250 shots and $100 glasses of wine. Then he dismissed the others to their rooms. Literally told them they were free to leave and that he had some things to attend to down at the bar (ie. he was going to try and get laid). They leave, he moves over and I'm now on my 3rd vodka watching. He turns from loud and obnoxious to sweet guy just like that. I'm done with my vodka, it's past midnight and I've had enough.

I know.....I lead you right up to the climax as to whether this guy gets the girl or not and I don't even know. I have that same unsatisfied, lack of closure feeling you all have.

But the real point is.....I need a nap.

Lose the sunscreen

Not sure why I like to pick on Anne Hathaway other than the fact that she's all over the place these days and has a big nose so WHY NOT?

Only thing I have to say about this pic is that Anne really should forgo the sunscreen so she get a nice tan. Sure she'll burn at first but it will turn brown. That italian guy ain't staying with her white ass too long. As soon as he gets himself a gig of whatever sort he'll be gone.

Goddamn pasty ass whitey.

I will say she sure is living the life I'd like to live...just hanging out on a boat, doing some swimming, frolicking away........someday.

What happened here

Wasn't Mandy Moore a hot, teen chick at one point? What the hell happened to her to cause her to becomes such a mess? She looks like she just had a kid or something.....and i mean like minutes ago.....all bloated and shit.

This picture is of her from People after she had lunch.....perhaps a side salad would have been better than eating an entire cow.....she certainly didn't just have a little burger....she seems to have eaten an ENTIRE cow.

There's a reason she is wearing that sweatshirt pulled down over her ass, thats for sure.

Real World Australia

Who Knew.....a new season of real world started last night. I had no idea and just by the grace of god (which doesn't come my way often) I happened to catch it.

I have to rewatch the episode and its early but this season has some hopes. Its a wierd season for sure from a diversity standpoint. There doesn't appear to be any gay people and there is only one of a non-Caucasian background is a persian girl who is muslim.

There are 4 girls and 3 boys this go round and already the girls are fighting with each other so that could be interesting.

Not sure why the cast members do this every season now but they are all already trying to hook up with each other. If there is one thing we learned from Wes and Nehemiah is that the power of the camera behind you and your ability to tell people you are being filmed for MTV real world will get you laid. Doesn't matter how big a doof you are, you have the power of the camera behind you.....use it....go pick up OTHER people and keep the drama out of the house.

And we all thought Wes and Nehemiah were so stupid. They were on to something with that booty drawer.

Observations of the Week

I was only at work 3 days this week but that was enough for some wonderful material.

First observation is going to be a little graphic for the women folk but I'm going to say it anyway. I noticed that I do something basically without thinking when I walk into the men's room toward the urinal. I have been conditioned by my last gig where the urinal was right there when you walked in.....as soon as you walk in you are basically at the urinal so you can start unzipping right away. At the new place the urinal is all the way at the end. With my prior conditioning I start unzipping once I get in.....I noticed that not only do I unzip but I actually start pulling 'myself' out but I still have a walk to the urinal. I think its freaking out the other male patrons as I got a look the other day like "what are you doing dude....stop grabbing yourself until you are over there". This is when I realized what I was doing.

Second, there is a guy who's sole job is to monitor process of getting a project through the system. "did you fill out this form? well then we can't proceed...I have to have this form filled out...what do you mean the form is pointless? I need it". This is the equivalent of being a high school hall monitor. Thats a solid career. Not sure where you go from there.

Third, my boss has ear hair and I think he shaves them. Seems scary to be shaving over there. He also has back problems and likes to lay on his floor and stretch. Problem is that he ends up looking like he has little white lice bugs crawling around his black pants because he's picking up fibers from the floor. Foolish man......ear hairs and pant lice = silly looking.

Fourth, bosses boss...the big guy wears his glasses on the tip of his nose rather than the bridge like most normal humans. I hate people who do that. I noticed the other day that he looks like a mouse with a sunken in chin and a horrible cheesy mustache.

That was the week in a nutshell.

Sure did

Kat DeLuna wants everyone to know that Yes, she did shave her arm pits today. Wait, Kat, can you move your hair over the left pit.....I'm not so sure about that one.

Can someone help an old lady cross the street?

Seriously.....when did Liv Tyler turn 40? How did I miss her birthday and why wasn't I invited?

Work Moron

"Far and away the best prize that life has to offer is the chance to work hard at work worth doing."
- Theodore Roosevelt

This is a quote at the bottom of every email I get from this moron at work. Read the quote again and really get its message. The guy I'm working with is not saving lives, he's not taking in sick animals, he's not caring for old people, he's not curing diseases or doing research that someday might lead to a cure, he's not fixing people's problems, he's not even making ANY impact in this massive bureaucratic behemoth of a cluster where I am currently working.

He is simply making sure that little memos and decks meet a certain format. THATS IT from what I can see. He'll spend 45 minutes on the phone telling you about that format and why its so important that everyone uses the same format. This is his job. I almost put a pen in my eye on day while on the phone with him.

Is there any chance he's sending that quote out with the emails in a bitter way as if to say 'I have to find that prize cause this shit ain't cutting it'??? NAW........he thinks he's found the prize. Goddamn fool. Fool is "working hard at work worth doing". Damn Teddy Roosevelt....why am I subjected to Teddy quote because of this doof.

Really Rob.....Stop

I have no idea what Rob Schneider and Adam Sandler got going on but enough is enough already. You two making these 'silly' movies just isn't working anymore. It was all cute when you were in your 20's and could pull off the silly, dumbish, happy go lucky guys doing dumb shit but look at you Rob.....you look 50.

Unless you are filming Grumpy Old Men the Prequel, I just can't see whatever you are doing as any good. That said.....if you two were filming Grumpy Old Men the Prequel, I just might see it.......that might be funny (ok....a real reach but maybe).

So....whats really happening?

How cool would it be to be 13 years old and good friends with Lindsay Lohan's sister?

So how is your sister? Think she'll ever get off drugs? Does she ever let you do them? Have you seen her all wasted and stuff? She's so cool that she gets to party all the time.....can we come once? I don't care what the critics say I think her new movie was killer (thinking: god I can't believe I just humored this bitch and said that but it's like I have to if I want to stay in the crowd).

Starring As......

Playing the part of Britney Spears in the upcoming real life movie of the young starlet gone bad will be Mena Suvari.

I assume this is the case. Could Mena really have gone out and made a mess of herself like this if she wasn't playing Britney in some upcoming movie titled: Chug-a-Chug-a CRASH!!! The Britney Train Wreck.

Isn't the likeliness crazy and eerie?

You can leave now Portia

First, what is Ellen Degeneres grabbing for? Portia de Rossi doesn't have the cock, you do Ellen.

Second, Portia, you can leave her now....we all know who are you. You are as famous as you are getting so mission accomplished.

Dinner with Boss

I had dinner with boss today and some guy that works for some firm we might have help us. Further evidence I am completely out of place in this corporate world.

There we are....talking, networking, figuring out the problems of the company.....well they were....I wasn't. I was looking at the old couple next to us figuring out what they were up to.....figuring out if I thought the 9 year old girl at the table near by in her scarf and dress looked adorably cute or pretentiously stupid at too young an age. I was trying to figure out what the 2 youngish girls (around 16-19) were doing at a table of 10 old people (over 70)....maybe there was a few younger people (40-50 that could have been parents) but there were alot of old people. I sat and debated whether I'd have dessert when the time came because I was stuck with these doofs on a friday night so I deserved it (and I did, key lime pie...not so much).

My boss was eating his food by scooping it up on the backside of his fork......sort of bizarre but I've seen the move before. Then at dessert he used a spoon the proper way and he spilled an apple on his shirt and made a mess of himself.....should have used the backside of the spoon pal.

All in all.....I would have preferred my time spent otherwise.

Jason Bourne

I'm a big Jason Bourne fan. Maybe this is why I can actually like Matt Damon (despite his involvement with my nemesis Oceans 11-13) yet dislike his BFF Ben Affleck. Maybe its cause he played a tortured, mad genius in Good Will Hunting which I can identify with while his BFF played a goddamn moron.....which I see way too much of in my life and I can't seem to escape.

There is now debate on who is the 'badder' spy. Bourne vs. Bond. Answer is clear on who I favor.....Jason Bourne because he's a take no hostage killing machine. Bond was more the smoothe maneuverer but screw that shit.....kill....just kill em.

Jason Bourne is the kind of killing machine that I had a chance to become at one time in my life. No jokes (remember, I don't make this shit up). I had a friend growing up that lived on my street. He was a little wierd and his dad was a pervert to the pretty girls in the neighborhood so they were all freaked out by him but what did I care. My friend had his issues too but quite frankly there just weren't alot of guys on my street to hang out with so I hung out with him at certain times. He was a pretty smart guy so I could relate to him on a level that I didn't most the other guys.

One of the wierd things about this guy was that he became obcessed with Ninjas and the Japanese culture. So much so that he went off to Japan to study and when he came back his eyes were actually slanted. I'm sure he purposely walked around like that almost trying to be Asian....not like his eyes could have physically slanted but every time I saw him they were.....and they stayed that way....I always tried to catch him out of character like you would a person faking an accent but he never came out of his Slant-eyed, asian wanna-be character.

So this dude met a guy who travelled the world as a military brat and picked up pieces of martial arts all over the world. Took them all and turned them into his own form of art for simple ass kicking. He trained my buddy and then my buddy wanted to train me. He said he would train me to be a bigger ass kicker than any navy seal or green beret....in fact his buddy trained with those kinds of guys because his dad was special forces. He told me all kinds of stories about being able to hit him in the precise place and paralyze me....how he broke a guys nose and knocked him out cold using little force but a precise blow. I was certainly intrigued.....who doesn't want to be a bad ass.

Then came the bad news: "2 things before we get started.......first part of the training is that I'm going to tie you to a tree and punch you over and over.....I have to train you to be able to feel no pain....because there will be alot of pain......AND you have to promise to give up drinking (i was around 19 at the time) because if you go out to a bar with a bit of liquor in you feeling tough you can do some real damage......literally kill someone and I can't have you killing people".

I thought about telling him that I'd give up the booze just to say I would but the whole punching me thing seemed a little harsh....plus what would the neighbors think seeing me tied up to a tree and getting punched by this whacko? Its just easier to be friends with big dudes. When I wanted to see someone beat up I just sent Steve to do the job and he was always happy to oblige. (may he rest in peace......Steve passed away 4 years ago of a heart attack....I don't make this stuff up).

Small Throat, Tight Pants and Bad Boxers

Here is a summary of my work day in the form of three discoveries:

I think I have a small throat. This is the 4th day in a row where I swallowed something and it got lodged in my throat causing a discomfort of just wishing it would slide on down there. This time its tylenol sinus so I want it to slide on down so it can do its thing. I don't think it will have the medicinal effect if its just lodged in the throat.

I had to stay in town last night because my boss insisted I do so for a meeting with his boss and then a dinner with some dude from some company. I'll be getting home around 2AM probably (thrilled with this.....I'm SUCH a night owl).

So discovery 2: My boss wears very tight pants. I thought I noticed this before in his dress slacks but wasn't really sure. Today is jeans day and he has tight jeans on. So I can't figure out if he likes wearing tight pants or has just put on some weight and hasn't made the investment in the next size. I'm guessing the latter and want to believe that to be the case because if he just likes it thats a little disconcerting.

Discovery 3: This isn't anything I didn't already know but every now and then one needs reminded of this......bad boxers suck. I had to buy some stuff to wear today....tshirt, boxers, socks......the boxers I bought are going right into the garbage. They just suck.

In spite of all this.....I'm having a pretty good day......why you wonder???? All because of the pink shirt. If you walk around wearing a pink shirt in confidence then it makes you that much more confident because obviously you must be something special if you can be wearing the pink shirt to begin with......and it shows.

Pink

I'm wearing Pink today. Never have before but I sort of like it actually. Its not has hard as red but still some color.

I borrowed the shirt from a friend because my boss insisted I stay for a meeting today. Luckily my pal had an extra shirt or I would have gone to buy one. It probably would have been blue or white and I never would have known that I can be comfortable in Pink.

Little bit of joy in this miserable day which was supposed to be a nice day with Dan. Oh well, I'm sure my psychotic friend will call me 6 times to talk about our plan to amass great wealth. That'll keep me going.

Perhaps I should expand on him. More on him later but he is psychotic, he knows it, I've told him, he is comfortable in his psychosis and for some reason I have grown attached to it.......I think because I figure it takes someone as crazy as he actually is to make something big happen. Well off to ..........(I don't even know what to call this new place......speechless).

Work Again

This place saps the life out of you. I get in around 9-9:15 and I leave around 6....6:30 at the latest. Not the longest work day but come 5ish I start feeling like I've put in a 17 hour day.

It's very painful.

No wonder I'm always self medicating with some of Russia's finest waters (thats Vodka people).

Speaking of water....I think I need more of it in my life. I say that alot and go on binges of water drinking. I might start another binge. In fact I need just that kind of water so I can then focus on other things......like a business plan to get wealthy so I don't have to brush my hair anymore....or shave....I'm giving up shaving every other day (at least....maybe every 3rd day I'll shave).

Speaking of Messes

Courtney Love. What in the WORLD????? Remember when Courtney cleaned herself up for like a month. She had about one month where she tried looking respectable. Now she looks like a $10 crack whore. I'm sure she'd blow you for $10. (by 'you' I mean those of us with penises, which might not be any of you).

Over the Olsens

Here is Mary Kate Olsen. I can't remember if she was the sickly one or not but either way it seems we are over them. That big countdown until they were 18 so guys could legally try to nail them.....all the hoopla......pretty much over it.

Judging by the picture I think it's clear why......they simply aren't that hot. In fact she is just sort of a walking around mess.

And Another One

Ashley Tisdale ALSO needs a nose job. Yeah....I'm big on pointing out stars who needs nose jobs.

Oh David.......

Wearing this shirt is basically admitting you are nothing here. David Hasselhoff is a joke and this proves that even he knows it.

Dummy behind the wheel

Has Paris Hilton learned anything at all? When you are a bit on the dumb side and probably barely capable of handling yourself behind the wheel of a car as it is, it seems that driving around with your personal kennel in your lap yelping and jumping all over the place is just a bad idea.

Now here's a good idea for Paris (and Lindsay and Britney): hire a driver. Pay some schmoe $150,000 a year to be at your beckon call and drive you EVERYWHERE. There is no reason for you to ever drive a vehicle. NONE.

Dull ole Work

Work is pretty dull. I don't really have much to do and I've brought on two different groups to do the real work so I'm just managing them. Most of the people I deal with are extremely normal in a boring way......simply not much to write about.

I noted a few odd things yesterday though:

I had a meeting with a woman who had a big jar of candy, filled to the top that sat right in front of her office window with a book over the top as if to say "this is my candy, I'm letting you know I have this candy and you are NOT welcome to it". That was bizzare.

Then I had a meeting with another woman who had the reddest nose I have ever seen. She didn't seem sick so I don't think it was caused by a cold....I just think she has a red nose. I couldn't stop looking.

I had a meeting with a tech geek who would make the oddest jokes and then laugh at himself but when myself or my cohort would make a comment he would stiffen up and look at us as if we were aliens.

Brought on one new consultant who actually fell asleep in a meeting with our lead client. He's a big, quiet, slow guy....a bit on the older side...maybe mid 40s. He's like a big giant bear and there he was doing his impersonation of a hibernating bear.

Thats really as good as it gets at the new gig. Wish there was more cause I'm not even amused.