Tuesday, January 30, 2007

Cheap Man's Massage

So I'm at the mall today doing some stuff....see Brookstones and figure I'm gonna go sit and get a cheap man's massage in one of those cool $4k chairs that practically give you a happy ending.

I slide on in....sit down but the thing was so damn complicated I couldn't exactly figure out what was happening. So the girl comes over to help me.....fine....very nice of her.....now go away and leave me to people watch while getting my relaxation in.

NOPE......here it comes....the sales pitch.

I had to cut my cheap man's massage short because she wouldn't stop talking. It was actually more annoying than a real masseuse making idle chit chat because at least that you can sort of grunt through. This pushy bitch was asking all kinds of questions....am I interested, when might I want to buy, etc.

What don't you get Ms. Pushy......I'm just like every other moron that walks in here and sits down to get a little rubbing up their back because there isn't anything more pressing in their life. How many people sit in these chairs and how many people actually buy them? ALOT and NONE are the respective answers.

I don't know one single person I have every come across anywhere that owns one of those damn things so odds are I'm just sitting here and NOW I have to walk out of the store in disgust rather than browse for other items.

Those chairs are like the hot girls standing at the entry way to Abercrombie and Fitch....they just get you in the store so you browse other items.....nobody actually takes them home.


Just Need a Title for My New Book

Why NOT???? Everyone else is writing books why shouldn't I?

Goddamn John O'Hurley is writing a book. Quick after his new found fame on Dancing with the DListers John has a book out. And what is said book about you might wonder??? It's about learning life's lessons from dogs.

One excerpt from the book:

“Dogs, after all, have pure hearts, trusting natures, a zest for living, noble characters, and an ability to take things in stride,” writes O’Hurley in the book’s introduction. “They can be counted on, and are pleasant companions. They know what’s important, always. How many humans do you know about which you could say the same?”

Ummmm.....Hey John.....they are DOGs......they just need water, food and a little tummy tickle from time to time to be happy. They don't have to complexity of the human brain that we have to deal with. They also don't have to live in a world full of goddamn buffoons like you. The typical dog has to deal with just their immediate "family" who probably sort of likes him/her....otherwise they'd lose them deep in the woods or sell them to the local chinese establishment. Dogs don't have to deal in a world of idiots where bills need to be paid.

Are you getting what I'm talking about here John?

For instance....your chapter titled Never Miss A Nap. Do you know what happens in the real world if I never miss a nap? I get fired John.

Then there's A Cold Can of Meat is Still a Feast. NO John...it is NOT. I realize that "cold can of meat" is a metaphor probably representing "the simple things in life". Let me tell you something John....when I was in college I used to eat Mac N Cheese because it was cheap...I'd zing it up by throwing some mushrooms in. That WAS NOT a feast. It SUCKED. Now I'm fairly well to do and I eat at Mortons. That is a FEAST.

Is this book targeted toward the jobless and homeless? Hell, I've been jobless for 2 months and I still can't take many naps.



People magazine has an article about Katharine McPhee jump-starting her post idol career with a new CD coming out.

I think she has jump-started her career by losing 40 pounds per the picture above (yes it's really her....an air-brushed her but her none-the-less).

I DON'T think she has jump-started ANYTHING by dating a 41 year old "Actor" who has appeared in exactly one episode of some TV show called "Invasion" back in 2005. Shouldn't there be a law against calling oneself and "actor" with these credentials?


Monday, January 29, 2007

New York New York

If you aren't watching I Love New York you are doing a complete disservice to yourself.

This show is full of more whack jobs than any prior season of Flavor Of Love.

New York looks like she has catepillar's growing on her eyes. The fake lashes are waaaaaayyy big and out there.

This guy 12 pack is priceless. He is a walking muscle with a constant blank look on his face. There are no lights on in that house. In fact the electric company cut service A LONG time ago for refusal to pay the bill.

Mr. Boston is this pasty white guy who remains in the show for some damn reason. New York is NOT picking a pasty white accountant from Boston.....she just isn't so why is he around.

You gotta watch......tonight at 9 on VH1.


Grocery Store Observations 1/29

I just can't help but tell you all some of my random thoughts because most of the people around me in the real world wouldn't 'get it'.

At the store today:

1) I'm not saying every person who owns a pet is trashy BUT when I look down the pet aisle i'm seeing alot of it. AND in the check out line there is definately a correlation between the size of pet food container and the level of trashiness.....bigger the bag, bigger the dirtball.

2) I can't imagine ever being in a situation where I couldnt afford to loan someone $5.....then again I can't imagine bagging groceries when I'm NOT doing it as a high school kid for some random drug money

3) I can't imagine NOT having $5 to buy a pack of smokes OR being so desperate for the smokes that I had to borrow $5.....then again, I can't imagine being the girl behind the prepared food counter watching those damn rotisserie chickens


Sunday, January 28, 2007

People Cover

The cover of People magazine has Tyra in some horrid red body suit or bathing suit of some sort. The caption reads: You call THIS Fat?

Hmmmmmm.......YES Tyra. Your pelvis bone shouldn't look like you've spit out 5 kids UNLESS you have spit out 5 kids. Its actually hard to look away from that train wreck of a pelvis area as I wonder...."why is she wearing that.....really....WHY".

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The Next Mariah

Jessie really is the next Mariah......she is always wearing stuff that is extremely low cut to try and emphasize her legs while distracting the eye from the rest of her.

Problem is even her legs aren't that great anymore. Note the lack of definition in those thighs, the nasty looking knees......this isn't the Jessie legs of Dukes of Hazard.
Really chunkin' up there Jessie.
By the way....who is the dude? A little help here?


Monday, January 22, 2007

How NOT to Lose Weight

I came across this blog and I just can't resist. I'm not sure its "kosher" to be mocking other blogs in the world of blogs but I don't really care.


You gotta check this out. This woman has a blog about her weight loss. She is trying to lose weight. I read this every week for amusement. EVERY time I read it I have to check the date because I think I'm reading old post but NOPE.....they are new its just that EVERY week she says she needs to start exercising. STOP saying it and just EXERCISE.

She wants to lose weight.......dinner on Sunday Jan 21th was 10 Chicken Nuggets. T-E-N.....thats TEN more than anyone on a diet should be eating. But she only had a 'few french fries' and a Med Dr. Pepper. Something tells me she had a Super Super Size and ate half of them and figures that was just 'a few'. Half a big giant super size is still a medium and also 'a few' more than someone on a diet should eat. Another tip: don't drink soda on a diet unless its DIET soda.

For Breakfast she had 2 eggs, 2 pieces of bacon, 2 pieces of sausage and a couple bites of hashbrown. Don't eat bacon and sausage and then convince yourself you are doing great because you only had a couple bites of hashbrown.

Another tip: IF you are on a diet and decide to log your food intake you know your diet isn't going well if one of your captions is "Late Night & Snacks". This is a horrible sign. Even worse is under that caption rather than writing "celery, carrots, fat free ranch dressing" you write "Bowl of Ice Cream, shirley temple, 1 hot cocoa".

More on Ms. Nichols later. For a real hoot check out her 'trying to get out of debt' blog.


American Idol

Ok, Ok.....I tried resisting but just can't. Of course I've watched....at least most of it. I mean cmon.....4 hours of horrible singing is a bit much.

First of all to all the people who are mocking Paula....cmon....they aren't going to replace her, THAT'S why we watch. We watch this nonsense....we want to see cracked out Paula, mean Simon and idiots who think they can sing.

One such guy this week was 16....sang "California Dreamin" and the judges liked him. He made it through to Hollywood. I have no problem with him making it through but I'm not sure about the big pimple on his nose. I don't think the judges should allow the pimple in hollywood. That thing was big enough that it should sing itself. It's practically a small child.

Hey white haired freak.....NO...I don't wish my GF was "hot like you". In fact I'm SO happy she is hot just unlike you.


Thursday, January 18, 2007

And I had a Bad Day.....

Nope...not about American Idol but that will come......

I’ve said it before and telling you again…I LOVE the grocery store….the workers, the shoppers….SUCH a an opportunity to be humored. I like watching the people ahead of me and behind me to see what’s in their carts and think of what they can be doing with their shit. I love all the food….the millions of possible combinations of what you can do with that food……god I love it.

Well today was the WORST shopping experience ever. Started right in the parking lot and I should have went home. Some old guy was coming my way…there was an empty spot close and although I was closer to it and had dibs he was old. I like being nice to old people as long as it doesn’t cost me much……like my time or nerves. This dude danced with me maneuvering for the spot and I let him have it….SO I THOUGHT. Took me time to get around…ANNOYED. THEN I go to the next aisle looking for a spot and here he comes gingerly making his way around the corner….more dancing…more annoyance…..why the FUCK didn’t he take that other spot. I gave it to him and now I’m dancing with him again. About three more old people driving around that I had to dance with…ANNOYED. I almost left at this point thinking It’s national “All Old People Grocery Shop” day but found a spot and figured it couldn’t get worse.


Went for a cart….old lady in the way getting her pocketbook and coupons together.
Went for some apples……old lady.
Went for some celery (I’m making delish chicken salad…bit of a cold and I want the chicken broth)….old lady.
Onion…..old couple.
All over the place old people….not JUST old people….very SLOW old people.

THEN it went downhill sort of…….funny after the fact but horrible at the time.

I’m walking down an aisle and I see RP…..RP is the grade school slut. She was banging 19 year olds when she was 12. Where was her mother you might ask????? She was there being proud of RP. Can you say trash? Thing is she road my bus so I actually had a friendly….(not in that way) relationship with her. All the other kids were losers on the bus because my parents sent me to Catholic school and all the cool kids went to public school in my neighborhood.

Now….I have an unbelievable ability to see someone that I knew at one time and recognize them and their name. So I knew RP immediately dispite the horrid hair, the Tammy Faye Baker makeup covering a horrible complexion and the extra 90 pounds. I didn’t say anything at first because I wanted to see if she noticed or seemed to recognize me. I saw her looking at me several times so clearly she noticed me but I looked away…..UNTIL:

I’m dodging an old person, go around the corner and I’m face to face. She’s looking at me so I have to blurt out “RP….my god…how are you”? Turns out she’s looking at me, took a bit and then “XX….wow….i didn’t recognize you at first but you haven’t really changed”. Are you kidding??? She didn’t even know it was me and now I’m stuck talking to her. She was just staring at me because I’m hot. Mother F’in cursed good looks. I stood and talked to this queen of the trailer park and her (seemingly) 50 year old, bald, greasy, toothless husband for 10 mins. Then the rest of the time shopping she’d give me these horrid smiles and all……..

EWWWWW….I’m gonna shower now. BAD Day at the store.


Tuesday, January 16, 2007

The Golden Globes

As much as I hate watching the Golden Globes and such awards I can’t help but tune in to see these buffoons cause they are so priceless.

First observation – the winners all look so shocked. WHAT is so shocking…..you know you are nominated and there are only 5 nominated so you have a 20% chance of winning. You didn’t just win the powerball for god’s sake…..you had a 20% chance of winning once you knew you were nominated.

Then they get up and pretend they have no speech planned but they all sure ramble on like they do.

REALLY…..Timber’sMess really is a MESS. Time to dump her ass Justy.

I do like watching Jack’s reactions to everything. He is always center, front table and provides a bit of life.

Why didn’t Hugh Grant pretend to brush his hair We get it Hugh….you are a disheveled jokester….get on with it.

Apparently I missed TimberMess….THANK GOD.

All the beautiful people are really cheering their asses off for Ugly Betty. What is she going to inspire you all to stop the airbrushing and just be your plain selves??? I really don’t think so. Imagine that….ugly Betty’s date is ugly mommy cause she is too ugly to get a real date. OK…..UB….shut up.

Tall thin girl to UB: did you really think this was a possibility tonight?
UB: Well I knew there was a chance…….
ME (screaming at the TV): Yes you dumb bitch……there was a 20% chance…..20%...1 in 5…..why did you ask such a stupid question tall thin girl. At least UB didn’t say “no…I never thought it was possible” cause I would have smashed the TV.

Warren Beatty is either crazy or really trying hard to act crazy. Maybe he’s old and senile or just acting that way. He’s an old guy that wants to try and act as crazy as Jack but he’s doing a very poor job…..Old Buffoon.

Further proof that Eddie Murphy is gay……..he went through this horrid divorce yet he shows up with some chick on his arm…clear attempt to throw off any scent of his gayness.

Most annoying: Hillary Swank…..that damn horseface always annoys me.


Friday, January 12, 2007

Hmmmmm how about this


Apparently I have a chilean escort visiting my site. Interesting.

From her site:
Momento $ 20.000 (1 contacto)
Hora $ 30.000 (hasta 2 contactos)

I think 20.000 1 contact means 1 time in less than an hour where as for 1 hora (ie. hour in spanish) you get two 'times'.

I love seeing where people came in from.


The Price is Right

Watched the Price is Right today for the first time in a long time.

1) when did Bob come back from the dead??? Seriously, didn't he die like 3 years ago.....at least retired. Somehow I remember he was gone from Price is Right....dead or retired but he's still there.

2) in this day and age where porn is becoming more mainstream why in the hell are the chicks still wearing so much clothing? throw a guy a bone and strip down a bit.....something revealing more flesh.

3) apparently the only way to "come on down" is if you have a shirt on with some catchy phrase or something praising Bob or the show in general.

4) watched this dude win four prizes worth $9,000......a Pulaski kitchen island, Piano, set of golf clubs (he doesn't golf.....could tell by his awkward practice motion) and a big gumball machine. kid was super excited about winning......ummmmm hey pal not sure if you realize it but in order to claim your $9k in prizes you need to pay about $4k in taxes. do you really want that shit for $4k? I didn't think so.

The Price is Right has a shitload of unclaimed prizes because pepole have no use for that shit and have to pay alot in taxes to claim it. They should really just give cash.


The Beckham's come to town

First, I was not about to humor my 4 readers with a picture of Victoria's Husband on my blog. My blog, won't do it.....BUT I will start all Beckham postings with a picture of Victoria herself.

Second, I have ALOT of thoughts about Victoria's husband coming to the US but first and foremost he's gonna have to stop calling it Futbol (or however you spell it). Its not the MLF.....its MLS.....thats S for Soccer.....get it Mr. Victoria??? There is only one F in this country and its FOOTBALL.
Third, Mr. Victoria is reportedly not even that good a player.....he's not nearly the best.....supposedly he's very good when everyone is standing still and ok when people are running around.
Fourth, its about two things Mr. Victoria......it's about money and it's about coming to coming to LA to be a star. Something tells me if the Columbus Crew offered you a nice contract you weren't going to do it. The MLS isn't even a real league....they only have 13 teams and of course I had to google that and an obscure team. LA.....you aren't getting someone that concerned with soccer I think....you are getting someone interested in endorsements and papparazzi.....GOOD LUCK with that.
PS....I have no tolerance for soccer so clearly this was something I was going to mock....sorry Kitty.


Thursday, January 11, 2007

Speaking of De'Lesbian

I was appalled when I saw her dancing around her studio audience and I practically vomited when she straddled her coffee table until she plopped down in her seat. I ASSUMED this was a one time only thing.

NOPE.......NOT APPARENTLY. So she dances every day.....I hate it but what can you do.....HOWEVER.....APPARENTLY she actually straddles the table every day as well.

CMON ELLEN. Can you give us a fucking break and stop that nasty shit. It's repulsive.

Utterly Repulsive.


The View and The Donald

Two thoughts here:

First of all I finally watched The View with Rosie on it. It is now essentially the Rosie O'Donnell show with 3 Ed McMahons. She has 3 sidekicks but it's her show. To be fair, Barbara wasn't on the episode I watched so perhaps without her Rosie really stood out cackling and screaming out like only big fat Rosie can do.

Poor Lizzie Hasselbeck....she gets no respect from the other established older women. They all think they are famous and belong there whereas it was clear Lizzie was hired to be the cute young one but NOBODY else respects her "view" or cares what she has to say. They all talk to her like she's a dumb kid. Doesn't help her that she is a conservative prude and the others are liberals.

Only thing she got to chirping about was how her kid won't keep her hat on. Really Lizzie??? Imagine that.....the 2.5 year old doesn't want to wear her hat. This is your only View on anything??? Oh wait....you did have other thoughts...just nobody wanted to hear them.

David Arquette was the guest today. I give him credit he didn't show up in a "I was just murdered by an axe" outfit. FIRST time I have ever seen a picture of him where he didn't look like an ass. By the way....his kid won't wear a hat either.....Lizzie went ahead and brought that up again.

Second...Donald.....Cmon Donald....You are the DONALD.....why are you bringing yourself down to the level of Rosie in a war of words. You are one of the worlds wealthiest men, you don't get into a cackling match with a fat, lesbian, washed up talk show host who caters to miserable stay at home housewives......WHY? You don't see Bill Gates getting into it with Ellen De'Lesbian.


Tuesday, January 09, 2007

Try the Lips Lisa

Apparently Lisa Renna has a reality show coming on about hair stylists. This makes completely no sense given her hair is a goddamn mess.

Why didn't she do a reality show on blowing up one's lips. That might have been watchable in a sick sort of way.

On a side note....I google searched images for her an only got 12 images and most didn't even have her in them.....my how we have fallen Lisa.


Monday, January 08, 2007

You are the one I DON'T want....ooo, oooo, oooo

Also up on the new season of reality shows.....the dumb search for Sandy and Danny.

Well listen fatty's.....Look at this picture......you see this picture.....what do you see? Ok I'll tell you clueless, fat, ugly morons what I see.....I see two reasonably attrative individuals (given the generation.....so easy there kitty I know what you are thinking)....I see two FIT individuals. I see two individuals with nice hair.

TELL ME......WHAT made you think you were going to be Sandy? IF you way more than 200 pounds stay home. IF your complexion is that of a chia pet.....stay home. IF your dance moves resemble a heroin addict going through withdrawal.....STAY HOME. If your voice sounds like two seals fighting over a fish.....STAY HOME.

IF you meet all four of these criteria EITHER shoot yourself or become a librarian....something...give up your dream of seeing the lights of broadway cause the only way you are going to see those lights is if you by a goddamn ticket. Its called the TKTS booth, its in the middle of times square and thats how you'll get to broadway.


The Fame Game

The season is upon us….new reality TV for our viewing pleasure.

The entire cast is just begging to be famous again. Even poor Robin Leach is really working his way back.
They have competitions where the 2 losers have to go to the BList room while the others get to stay in the A-List part of house. Should be the D-List and the C-List sections where the D-List is an alley out back and the C-List is a small studio apartment with 8 beds. These morons are playing for $100,000. NOBODY who is actually famous cares about $100,000……if that means something to you then clearly you are D-List

First up last night was Celebrity Fame Game on MTV. This is going to be a train wreck for sure…..and a beautiful one with wonderful spillage of blood, guts and body parts everywhere. This won’t simply be mild carnage……this is going to be body parts strewn for miles.

Few notes from the premiere:

Jordan Knight from New Kids on the Block is SUCH a pussy (sorry about the choice of words readers….I thought of toning it down but sissy just doesn’t get the point across….I know Kitty can handle it, DS is probably a bit shocked but laughing, Darkar I really don’t know you well enough yet and well….thats all my readers).

It’s not that he left when he found out his grandma died…..not that he cried when he found out…I’d have done the same thing….what most of you don’t know if that I am actually a very sensitive soul. Its how he tiptoed around all the other “players”. He was literally scared of Chyna and BridgEAT….looks like she ate a goddamn bridge she does. You might be too young to remember this but the Bridge-eater was hot back in the Rocky days….I spent some quality alone time with her in my head….I’ll admit that.

Webster walks in the house and Jordan says “what’s happening kid”…then they pan away to just Jordan and he’s all “Ohhh….I feel so bad….webster walked in and I called him kid…..I’m horrible….”. JC Jordan get over it….you didn’t call him a kid as in “you look like a kid you short stubby mother fucker”. It was like dude, man, chief, pal, buddy…….Anyway….Jordan is a pussy and he’s gone.

(sidenote……I’m not holding back on the language anymore….I was raised in a carwash and my mouth is filthy….deal with it or read perez the hack….she’s got great original material today….material from Stefani taken right out of Elle mag, a picture of the thin twin (that hasn’t been done yet), Orlando bloom peeing on a rock….no penis shot ladies).

Back to the fame game

Midget Verne from Austin Powers took over Jordan’s spot and it’s so obvious he wants no part of it. They forced him to play Tatoo in a Fantasy Island thing and then they made him take part and he’s miserable. Love watching the misery on his face.

Vanilla Ice keeps banging drumsticks together…..he wasn’t a drummer was he? He is sitting there with them and just banging them together. What a doof.

Chyna and Bridgette are going to be lesbian lovers before this is all over. The two of them could kill any other 4 people in the house.

Stay Tuned to see how this develops.


Cable Guy AGAIN

Ok…I really don’t make this shit up. The cable guy is here again…I keep thinking my problems are fixed but there weren’t so I told them to come give me a new box. Guy shows up to give me a new box….replaced the box in 5 mins and still hasn’t left.

Right now he’s in my garage…..no clue what he’s doing in there. Maybe he’s taking a nap, maybe he’s eating food from my little pantry, perhaps he’s drinking my beer….that mother f’er better NOT be drinking my beer.

This one won’t leave either. Now’s he’s changing some fittings…….JUST GO. He spent 50 minutes here when the entire job seemed to only take 5.

And by the way….he had a bluetooth headpiece in his ear the entire time but wasn’t on a call. See what I mean about the idiots that wear them around……moron cable guy types.


Saturday, January 06, 2007

Bad Moment with Bluetooth

Everyone hates the buffoons who walk around in public with the earpiece in their ear for no reason. I have a Bluetooth earpiece and I use it in the car or home/office so I can do other things while I’m on the phone…..especially useful for the annoying conference calls you aren’t paying any attention to and could care less about.

Every time I see a person walking around the mall, grocery store, or anywhere else with the earpiece for no reason first thought in my head: BUFFOON. Look how important I am…I have to be ready at a seconds notice to take a call. Thing is the people doing this never look the least bit important.

So where am I going with all this???? Why am I stating the obvious??? Isn’t this the kind of dissertation we expect from some hack like Ellen where every story is SOOOO clearly obvious where she is going with it?????

Well…..I had a bad moment yesterday. I was on a phone call IN MY CAR wearing my Bluetooth talking to a friend of mine just as I was pulling up to my destination. When I got there everything got very confusing with parking spots and what not…hung up with friend and went inside to do my thing. Was walking around….notice some people look at me but didn’t think anything of it…..then I see a neighbor….talked to the neighbor for a few minutes…small talk to be polite…don’t know her that well…..move on…..WAIT….what’s it that…..reach up…….OH NO….my headpiece. SHIT….FUCK…I forgot my headpiece. Wait….my neighbor….all these other people I see fairly regularly…..they all saw me with my headpiece on for no reason. They NOW think I’m a buffoon. OH GOD. HORRIBLE….HORRIBLE.

I’m not a buffoon……I’m extremely cool……I’m clueless, irresponsible and have no short term memory but I’m NOT a buffoon. I feel as if I should call the neighbor and explain to her the situation…..that I’m forgetful…not a loser. Then I’m thinking “clearly I can’t actually call her about this….then I’m basically George Costanza who sort of epitomizes buffoon and she’ll really think I am one”. And what about all those other people…I don’t care too much about their thoughts but still….they should know I’m cooler than them.

What a pickle I’ve created for myself here.


Thursday, January 04, 2007

Meathead Update

I'm watching deal or no deal. After my rant about hating cops the other day I am lucky enough to be sitting here and who is the contestant....a COP and what is he????....a meathead.

His Name: Officier Shinebox......can you say MEATHEAD

When asked what case he wants: My name is Shine, I feel fine give me case #9. Whoaaaa

Then before he starts picking his cases he does a little heel kick swirl to face the banked and announces "I'm here to read you YOUR rights" with two index fingers pointed like guns at the banker.

Happiest moment of the show so far is watching him pick the $1mm case on his 3rd selection. Dumbest moment so far is after he picked his first 6 cases he turned to the banker and read him his rights…….I mean cmon…I knew it was going to happen but save that dumbass bullshit we knew was coming for a big moment….like when you are down to 6 cases left and waiting for a big offer. NOT after your first 6 cases when you just lost the $1mm case…….he can’t even be smart about being a big dope.

I’m betting Shinylocks messes this up….stay tuned.

He’d put the money aside in case anything happened to him on the street. Make sure the wife and kids are provided for….oh cmon…..they’d be set with a pension.

He brought 3 meathead cop friends as his supporters. OMG this is fucking great in a painful I want to look away but just can’t sort of way. The one meathead is all sunburned with bleached blonde hair looks like a goddamn inverted circus clown.

I’m waiting for him to run his head through some drywall somewhere just to show his manliness.

Damn….he’s getting lucky….offered $136,000 and has a lot of big numbers. There is no skill to him yet. He’s been lucky.

He has the meathead walk….arms can’t go to his side…they are always out you know semi elbows pointing out.

He’s at $195,000 and has big ones….the meathead friends are telling him to go….roll the dice…..and of course the meathead is rolling. If he knocks out $750,000 he’s screwed….cmon #3….give me $750,000 bring him down…….had $200,000 that’s ok. Offer dropped to $177,000. His pride won’t let him stop…he’s a meathead….and I was right.

Oh boy…he just opened $25 case and he did a split while the meathead friends did chestbumps. These aren’t 25 year old athletes in good shape….these are 38ish year old, slightly overweight, out of shape meatheads who have no vertical leap trying to do chest bumps……OH BOY…….

Well Shinebox got as high as $261,000 and came back down to $100,000. Good for him, good for my amusement….thanks Shine, that was fun at your expense and you made a buck.


My Fan Base

Ok....So I seem to have only 3 real readers. Two who I know and my dear friend in Dakar who I am going to get to know when I go visit.

Hey Dakar....have you ever hacked an american into little pieces? This might influence my vacation plans?

I don't think I can count the person in Dubai who did a google search on Indian Women as one of my readers. Something tells me they were looking for other things.

I do appreciate the 3 of you and your ongoing support though. Share the love.


Maybe Jim Carrey was onto something

Called the 1-800# for my cable company to cancel a service call because I thought my cable box was broken but turns out the cable was just out. This guy gives me a big ole “Hello….how are you? I’m Alfred and I’m great tonight” then Alfred asks me what I had planned for the new year. Seeing as it was Jan 3rd I realized Alfred wasn’t asking me my new years plan he wanted to discuss my 2007 goals. Just what I need….discuss my life plans with some phone operator at the cable company named Alfred but I figured I'd throw out my #1 priority:

Me: well first thing is to find a job.
Alfred: hey we’re hiring like crazy are you more of a fix it guy or a people person
Me (thinking ‘Alfred is wondering if I’d make a better technician or phone operator’: neither, I pay people to fix things and I don’t really like people….so what do you have for me?

Alfred: well they treat us real good here and the benefits are nice

Me (thinking….’Alfred is thrilled with his benefit of free Cinemax to spend those lonely nights’): Great….I’ll consider that

So Alfred actually failed to cancel my service call and some cable guy comes to my door today. I was none too happy because he woke me up from my morning nap. I didn’t have my glasses on because I thought it was going to be quick and I was going to get back to my nap…NOPE…dude hung out for 25mins when I didn’t even have a problem….not lying here folks…that’s not the purpose of my blog….he came at 11:05 and I went back to my bed pissed off at 11:30 cause I had to get up.

My mistake was letting him in to be sure my cable was working since he was there. Well it was working and he’s just standing there…I’m looking at the tv…straining my eyes to see cause I’m all blind without my glasses but I kept figuring he’d leave so I never went to get them.

Me: Alright….seems its all fine

Him: yeah….hmmm….that looks good

Me: yeah…..soooo

Him (interrupting my ‘soooo…’ as if he knew I was trying to get rid of him): yeah…verizon had crews of those Mexicans here digging up…causing us lots of rips in our cable

Me: hmmm…..ohhhh…..sooooo

Him (interrupting my ‘soooo…’ as if he knew I was trying to get rid of him): they don’t even speak English

Me: yeah…..they just sort of were digging huh? Guess English isn’t a prerequisite to dig

Him: yeah

Me: Ok……well

Him: You like the xxx (local hockey team)

Me (thinking there is going to be something related to getting the games in HD or something related to the cable box about the team and there is going to be relevance): Yeah….big fan of hockey

Him: They’re playing good….playing real good lately

Me: yeah….good team

And on the conversation went to the point that I found out he is a certified physical therapist but the people bothered him so he wanted to change careers. This guy must have talked to Alfred. Alfred must have talked to him, told him he was hiring and clearly he was a “fix it” type guy.


Wednesday, January 03, 2007

Just Don't Vote

I’m not proud of this but I have never voted in my life.

Two reasons:
1) All politicians talk in large generalities while saying virtually nothing
2) Seeing as I haven’t voted as of yet I’m actually afraid that I’m going to go to some voting station and get yelled at by some little old man/woman cause I don’t know what I’m doing and taking too much time

Let’s focus on #1.

I’m watching Bush today (the president this time…not porn) and he comes out with his cabinet after his first cabinet meeting of 2007 and he’s spewing off like any politicians talking about priorities for the country while really not saying how any of the priorities will be accomplished. He talks about the new democratic congress and how he looks forward to working with them and knows everyone can work together toward common goals. Blah blah blah……

The best examples of politicians at work are presidential campaign speeches. They all state the importance of fighting terror, keeping our country safe, educating our kids, boosting the economy…….then they all have opposite opinions on gay marriage, abortion and tax cuts. In the first grouping they don’t give you any details of how they will do these things so you can’t even make good decisions on these things. On the latter grouping its all personal preference and I don’t really care on these matters:

I’m not gay, I don’t understand gays, I have no friends how are gay (that I know of) and I simply don’t care……marry, don’t marry, take over your own state or country and go live there…..don’t care about the issue…

Abortion: I’m against it but I could frankly care less what anyone else thinks or does. Not really for govt regulated control of a person but I don’t really care…I make my choices regardless of the govt. For instance…I’m for legalized marijuana use…the govt isn’t but that doesn’t stop me…..I’d like oxy’s to be over the counter but they aren’t…..fine, my grandma has plenty……I think the drinking limit should be raised…its not so I drink at home like a closet alcoholic and I’m fine with that.

So here’s the real point. If I talked like a politician and gathered all my ‘constituents’….let’s say friends, family, coworkers….and told them I just had a meeting with myself and I want to lay out my priorities for 2007 the speech would sound like this:

Great constituents of this most amazing person in this world I welcome you and I want to share with you what I decided is most important for me in 2007…..after much deliberation with myself I first and foremost think its critical for myself to become very wealthy this year….I decided this was the most critical of items on my agenda and the way I will do so is by amassing great amounts of cash as the months unfold I will share more details of my plan to do this but I assure you me and well….me….I’m working very hard on this. Also high on my priority list is to ensure every player on my favorite football team is THE BEST at his position…..seeing as I don’t own the team and I have no control over the finances to purchase the best players this seems like a lofty goal but I’m sure its one I can achieve with all your assistance. I’m not going to work a day this year….this might SEEM to conflict with priority one of mass wealth but I believe its also an achievable goal. I’m going to get fit this year but not in the traditional means of exercise and eating right….who can really give up pizza, beer, and ice cream with my kahula and baileys.

Do we get the point? Let’s state the obvious which is generally unachievable and provide no details as to how this might even begin to happen.

And you wonder why I don’t vote.

Tuesday, January 02, 2007

Beauty and the Geek

I tried watching this VH1 show once before but couldn’t get into the flow because it was one of the middle season episodes and I couldn’t figure out what they were doing but let’s say I’m glad I tuned in the other day.

During VH1’s marathon I caught the first episode and was hooked. Complete losers who can’t even stand being in a room with a girl and dumb girls who THINK they are hot……what’s not to love about this.

One scene showed all the girls and guys sitting at a long table….girls on one side, guys on the other….girls drinking, trying to party a bit and lighten the mood, guys just sitting there. One classic dialogue ensues:

Girl 1 (playing amateur psychologist with one guy): you say you can’t look girls in the eye and I can see exactly what you are thinking “what does she think about me, my hair, my face, my clothes, is there something in my teeth” you are afraid you are being judged.

Guy: yes exactly

Girl 1: you need to realize it’s not just you because of how you are, every girl does the same thing I always wonder what someone is thinking about me…am I pretty enough, am I as pretty as the others, I don’t want to get into a bathing suit because I think I’m bigger than all the other girls here…I know YOU are thinking that’s crazy because I look good but that’s what I’m thinking

Girl 2: I have big arms (said in the squeakiest dumb voice with an equally dumb look on her face)

Girl 1: everyone thinks about how they are judged so it’s not just you guys. All us girls do the same thing

Girl 2: I have a big butt (said in the squeakiest dumb voice with an equally dumb look on her face)

Sarah (only actual hot one): doesn’t say an actual word but stares blankly at the other two girls as if she’s thinking…’what???....I’m not afraid of being judged by these losers or any of you….I AM hot

Girl 1: We are going to help you get over it….you WILL be able to look me in the eyes. I assure you.

Nice work Girl 1…maybe you should harness him into a contraption so his head can’t move and then staple-gun his eyelids open so he HAS to look at you in the eyes.

Girl 2 your primary problem is not your fat arms and I didn’t even see you ass cause you were sitting down. Look in the mirror…….look at your face….do you see the real problem??? Do you see it…work with me….THAT’s RIGHT….you have a HORRIBLE complexion AND a big nose….HUGE nose. Those are what you should be thinking about.
Sarah...just keep being you: dumb with fake cleavage showing.

Ohhhh….and there was some middle eastern or Indian dude who couldn’t for the life of him understand why the girls wanted to shave the massive bushy 9 inch caterpillar laying over his eyes……what’s to get dude…how many other people have caterpillars living on their face?


Me Big Strong Man

That's right folks....talking about the World's Strongest Man competitions. Ever see this shit. Meat-headedry at its finest and for those of you who know me.....meatheads rank up there with the worst kind of buffoons in my book (maybe cause I'm the short, cuddly, adorable, smart type).

As a sidenote this is why I have complete and utter disdain for cops. Cops are just the high school meathead jocks who were cool but not smart enought to do anything real with their lives. They go on to be cops so they can still be the feared bullies of society. I don't want you to think I was bullied by these people and I have a chip......just the opposite, I befriended them with my humor (they are really easy to make laugh) and I sold them pot so they really liked me. Just that looking back I realize how moronic they were/are and I just used them to be cool and get invited to the parties.

ANYWAY.......Worlds Strongest Man. They lift logs, pull trucks, squat kegs of beer, carry huge rocks and shit like that. Big giant men but nobody actually watches this shit unless its to watch some freaks of nature every now and then. I was watching the other day and they had this guy from Iceland on there. The way he talked about being in the competition and what it meant to his country you'd have thought he was Michael Jordan or Tiger Woods. DUDE, NOBODY knows who you are.

Then this guy goes on to say....."when I tell people I am from Iceland they say....'you are strong man'.....Iceland is known for strong man".

Hmmmm.......how many people know anything about people from Iceland???? Maybe they say you are strong man because you look like a teenage grizzly bear? Maybe its the 6'4", 325 frame of pure muscle???? Maybe its because they just saw you pull a TRUCK 200 yards??? It might NOT be because you are from Iceland.

MEATHEADS.....gotta love em....as long as they aren't cops.