Tuesday, November 27, 2007

Life Gone Bad

You know your life has taken a turn for the worse when you are "imprisoned" by Boy George. What this means is Boy George locked you in his house and make you his sex slave. This is no man's dream......gay or otherwise.

Looks like the freaking Joker from Batman. Who knew Boy George was a splitting image of Jack Nicholson.


What do you think that is?

Hey Brooke Hogan, that isn't Howard Stern's studio and that isn't a sybian you are riding. Why don't you save your "getting off" for the privacy of your home OR Howard's actual studio?

I think she is looking in the bag for a better attachment.


Best Ways to Break Up

I recently heard of someone famous (can't remember who) texting some random girl that they were sort of dating that they were done. I figured pretty cold but then they weren't really dating.

Mrs. Hulk Hogan's way to break up with the Hulk? Let a reporter tell him that she filed for divorce. NICE. Mrs. Hogan went off to California for 3 weeks. Hulk apparently assumed she was just going for a vacation but NOPE......while there she filed for divorce, much to the surprise of Hulk.

See Hulk, give 'em a little fame and look what happens. Good news is that you can finally start banging all those little hottie Hulk fans....assuming your penis works after the years of steriods.

Hmmmmm did this sleuth detective uncover the reason for your divorce?


Friday, November 23, 2007

Real World Australia

Real World really is sort of priceless. I love watching Trisha....she makes the show worthwhile....the rest are a bunch of morons.

Dunbar should just nail that other girl. Get over this "love of your life Julie". Highlight of this week for Dunbar was him calling Julie....her calling him Dummy Bear and then him berating her. "Don't call me that...I'm not dumb and I'm not a bear.....I mean it....don't call me that....can you PLEASE just respect my wishes.....CAN YOU....MY WISHES.........FUCK Julie....its not that hard....just let this go.......if you don't let this go I have to hang up".....CLICK....Julie hangs up. Funny part of this is that Julie never actually said anything and had given it up pretty much after Dummy Bear asked her not to call him that the first time. In summary, Dummy Bear loves Julie because he seems to be able to smack her around.

Cuhotta once again contributed nothing to the show other than a sidebar 'Well, I don't know alot but I know dunbar loves Julie so I hope he doesn't do anything he regrets'. Thank you for your ongoing participation on the show.

New girl tried to seduce Dummy Bear. Kelly Anne did nothing.

Brings us to Parisa and Trisha. The reason I love Trisha is because she is such an arrogant, self centered, bitch and really has no clue. She thinks she is truly a wonderful, nice person. Its pure comedy every time she opens her mouth. She will say something that should be something "nice" but does it in such a way that she is quite the little bitch. This aggravates the hell out of Parisa who's only redeeming quality is that she is so annoying that it causes conflict with Trisha.

The big problem is that Trisha went too far this week and pushed Parisa so she could get removed from the house. Without her I have no idea how the rest of these morons can attempt to be interesting. If the producers are smart they'll let her stay.

Watching Dummy Bear dance with new girl and then saying 'I really would do you but I love Julie' just isn't that interesting for 30 minutes. Mixing in Cuhotta "I think KellyAnne is a swell girl and I don't know much but I know how a swell girl deserves to be treated" for an a small dose isn't going to help much.

Oh well...I'll be watching.

Sidenote: there was a commercial for "A shot of love with Tequila". How did I not get involved in this show. It seems priceless.

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Interesting Meeting

On Tuesday before the short week ended I was in a meeting. Along with me in the meeting was an ugly guy with long sideburns. As I'm sitting there I hear this aweful noise as if something is scraping or scratching. I look over in disbelief as this dude is massaging or rubbing his sideburns. He's doing it incessantly, not like he had a little itch....more like he was getting joy in running his fingers through those things.

So I look over and sort of catch him but he didn't see me notice and I looked away cause I didn't know what to do. As I looked away the noise continued and I thought "fuck this....I'm going to get him to stop....this is crazy and disgusting". So I look over at him, wait for him to see me and just give him a disapproving look of 'is that really necessary'. He looked at my like a small kid who was just caught in the act, looked away and put his hands down and I nodded my head in approval.

About 20 minutes later, the noise again.....again the look and again he stopped. This time he gave me a look of "I know...I didn't even realize I was doing it until you looked over and caught me".

Funny thing is that I don't even know this dude.


Thursday, November 22, 2007

Hollywood Walk of Fame

Don't get me wrong, I love the Wizard of Oz. Who couldn't? But when the Lollypop Gang is part of a group that gets a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame doesn't that somewhat cheapen the respectability of the "honor"?

I remember Howard Stern once saying that he was offered a star and said "when the list of honorees includes people like Judge Judy and Erik Estrada, just keep me off that list". Amen Howard, AMEN. Now the freaking Munchkins.

I captured a quote from one such Munchkin:

"I'm not a Munchkin, I'm an entertainer," Carroll noted. "But the movie is great because we all grew up with it. ... It never dies."

With all due respect Mr. Carroll, perhaps you shouldn't be using the term "grew up" as a munchkin. Maybe terms like 'aged' or 'enjoyed throughout the years', there really isn't any growth for you all.


This was the big secret?

Cmon Neil. Sweet Caroline was Caroline Kennedy? That was the big secret? People waited decades for that? All along I assumed it was some underage Thai prostitute you used to jet across the world to see or possibly an illegitimate daughter born from some hooker you used to maintain relations with .

Actually I never once thought or cared about who the hell the chick was and now that I know I am simply bothered that it's a news item that I have to be bothered by. And now I have visions of morons in a dueling piano bar singing "Sweeeeeet Caroline...whoa ho ho". Great. Day ruined.

Football....football will be on soon. Focus. Focus.


God Warrior

Apparently the infamous God Warrior Margaret from Trading Spouses has a twin sister and she works at my company. I saw her identical twin on the elevator yesterday. She wasn't spewing biblical sayings or anything but I know it had to be her.


Monday, November 19, 2007

Fruit of the Loom

As I'm blogging there is a commercial on TV by Fruit of the Loom for "Fit for Me" underwear for women.

The underwear is for Big women. Thank you fruit of the loom, thank you for making me feel sexy. Ummmmm......ladies....can you please just wear the fruit of the loom without showing all of us just trying to watch poker on tv? That was the most disturbing commercial I have ever seen. Ladies lounging around in bra and panties.......heavy women just in bra and panties being 'sexy'.

May I suggest a long flannel nightgown? Perhaps some PJ set from Talbots? Nobody wants to see that.

Why do I feel like I need a shower?


Beyonce Knowles

Is Beyonce bleaching? I saw this picture with a caption that referenced Beyonce performing with Sugarland (whoever the hell that is). I couldn't for the life of me figure out why Beyonce wasn't in the picture....just 3 white chicks. Then I realized the one white girl almost showing cleavage IS Beyonce.

Could be the lighting.



Poor Christina Aquilera....you were hot and now look. Couldn't you adopt? Why didn't you learn something from Angelina Jolie?

Note to you: too much makeup doesn't cover up that "this is miserable" look.

Could we be looking at the next coming of Britney? Will she go crazy like her Disney brethren? Stay tuned folks.


More Soup Sir?

Is Ashton Kutcher TRYING to look like Oliver? He's looks like a goddamn orphan from Oliver the musical. Either that or a 1920 caddie. Maybe a 1920's gangster runner boy. Nice look Ashton.

Saturday, November 17, 2007

Not Exactly an A Lister

Katharine McPhee is engaged to prominent actor Nick Cokas....19 years her elder. I have no problem with the age difference but cmon Katharine....Nick Cokas???? Ohhh....wait did I say prominent in regards to Nick before??? I meant unknown and never heard of.

Note to Katharine: If you want to vault your going nowhere career you have to marry a music producer at least 25-30 years your elder. See Mariah Carey's path to great riches. You don't have to stay married to him or even like him.


Sexiest Man Alive

People named Matt Damon the sexiest man alive. Whatever....I actually like Matty Boy...as much as I can care for any hollywood dope anyway.

The amazing thing what that the shirtless boy wonder Matty Mc was left off the list as was George Clooney. I figured George had a permanent spot in the top 15 for life. This is an injustice and I'm not sure George will take well to this. I know he and Brad Pitt have been campaigning for Matt Damon but not at the expense of his own spot for god's sake.

My Feng Shui has been off all week because of this and its just now that I'm even able to comment. I might need an early vodka to pull through.


Thought for the Day

I think Owen Wilson should be able to find a girlfriend with larger breasts. He's Owen Freakin Wilson for god's sake.....get some tits man.


Friday, November 16, 2007

This ain't so bad

Zac Efron's thinking: It's a damn thing I'm high. I can do this charity shit stoned. Why does that kid have fire coming out of his fingers. Calm down, its just the acid....its just part of the trip.


Silly Me

So I figured out who you are Guy, Madonna's arm piece. Is she really more masculine and tougher looking than him or is it my imagination....maybe the picture?


Just Do It


Just get the penis attached. You know you want it so why keep the world waiting?


Holy Crazy Looking

I had no idea Seal looked like a crazy alien from Planet Zabar. I think this is the "being" that Riley Martin talks about on Howard Stern. Apparently Heidi Klum has been taken hostage by this alien. What other possible reason could there be for this relationship.

Interesting Look

Is Liv Tylers TRYING to look like a drag queen? Can this possibly be here thing?

Was there any doubt that Steven Tyler's daughter would be horrid looking? She was OK in her youth but time was not going to be good to her.


The Prison Look

Not a good look for Lindsay Lohan. She is apparently trying to dress down before spending 84 minutes in jail so she doesn't become someone's bitch. If this is what she really looks like though we might need to rethink just how hot she is.


Sunday, November 11, 2007

That'll Show Him

Prince Harry was dumped by his long time girlfriend. Apparently she was tired of his playboy lifestyle and lack of commitment to her. Well there you go honey, that'll show the playboy.....dump him....ie. give the playboy his freedom. Perhaps this is just what he wanted. Perhaps you were just a show for the public so people thought he was responsible and stable.

Fine job lady....you just gave up a Prince and maybe a chunk of money, stardom, etc. Apparently you didn't learn anything from Lady Di. Her and what's his name didn't care about each other but she made out pretty well in that little arrangement. If you could have just hung in there for appearance sake and then make him marry you for appearance sake you could have done VERY well for yourself.

Blew that one sweety. I'm sure there are fine men back in Zimbabwe where you are from. Buffoon.

By the way....if your nose was just slightly more upright you'd have a real pig face....consider that next time you dump a Prince.....Buffoon

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Crossing Picket Lines

The writers guild is on strike or will be soon. This means many shows will suffer and in fact not be able to create new episodes UNLESS people like me cross the line. I'm thinking I'll cross the line for Law & Order or any of those other detective shows.

Whats so hard about this: body found, 4 people are somehow related to body, pick a killer, pick a weapon, pick a motif (usually love, lust, drugs, job, etc) pretend it was really someone else, discover it was the other person, tell them you are on to them, have them deny it, prove them wrong, arrest them.

Hell I can write that. Fill in with some miscellaneous language and conversation. Some subplots about police detectives lives battling personal demons (dead spouse, alcohol, mistaken killing, dead partner) and you got an episode.

I'm going to ponder my first episode and get back to you for critique. It's gonna be a doozy though. My coming out party. If this goes well I'll start writing for Desperate Housewives (of course they'll all turn lesbo so I have a headstart in my mind for this one).



I see that Elisabeth Hasselbeck from the View had her baby. First thought in my mind is "great...how annoying....she's going to be talking about that kid every day and relating her experiences as a mother to the issue at hand on The View".

So then you start thinking....hmmmm who does this sound like...annoying, mother, on a talk show? Can you say Kathie Lee Gifford? She is Kathie Lee in the making. She whines like her, she has a kid and will be annoying with that AND look at the picture.....she even looks like Kathie Lee 20 years ago. Look at how the hair seems to be getting more strawberry (of course this might be an old picture but as if I care about technicalities).

This is truly spooky. Pretty soon its family Christmas Specials and singing on cruise boats. Mark my words......in 4 years it will be the Hasselbeck Xmas in Vermont special. When it happens I'll be here to tell you I told you so.


Saturday, November 10, 2007

Babysitter of the day

Wonder why Guy Ritchie (director of nothing) is babysitting Gary Coleman's kid. I mean this has to be Gary's kid......it's him at the age of 10.

Cmon....say it kid...say it...."what you talkin about guy". Just like the old man used to do it.


Octopus Love

There is a story of a girl in India who was born with 4 arms and 4 legs. Now we all know the jokes when some red head comes out and neither parent has red hair "hey Mick, what color hair does the mailman have". The Father probably really does wonder to some degree whether its his kid and who the woman might have been sleeping with.

If your kid comes out with 4 arms and 4 legs you gotta be wondering how the hell and why the hell was your spouse sleeping with an octopus. Did she jump in a tank and the zoo for this fetish sex? I'm perplexed as to how one gets screwed by an octopus.


Friday, November 09, 2007

No Worries for Me

Yes I like to drink....yes I drink too much....I used to think maybe I'm an alcoholic but nah, I'm either bored or just having fun so I use booze to complement either of those situations.

Sure I worry about my liver. I figured I'd die young of liver problems but oh well....I was having too much fun to care. NOW I don't have to care......I found this story and my problems shall be gone.

Certainly if this can solve liver cancer problems then cirrhosis is just the same. I'm assuming I can drink all I want now and POOF.....magic carbon nanotubes will solve my woes.

Wonderful. Thank you science.


Thursday, November 08, 2007

Talking to Myself

That's right....I now talk to myself at work. Mostly because outside of one peer of mine I can't find anyone to talk to and the place is so damn crazy that I have to talk to someone so who better than me.

Well yesterday I stuck my foot in my mouth while talking to self. I was in the bathroom and for the second time in the day I saw this guy that sure did seem retarded. So I was washing my hands and adoring my eyes in the mirror (which looked particularly nice with the shirt I had on) and I said OUT LOUD in a normal speaking voice as if I was directing my comment to someone else "yes, I think you are correct, that dude IS retarded". At that very moment someone who was taking a dump in the stall (who I obviously forgot about) walked around the corner and gave me a look of "you really shouldn't say that kind of thing and why are you talking to yourself?"

He clearly thought I was the crazy one.

Listen folks, I don't make this shit up. I just report on it as it occurs because who else can I tell that to?


Wednesday, November 07, 2007

Cheer Up

Hey Eva Longoria.....try to act a little more excited about helping out a bit. It's clear what's going through your mind "goddamn delivering Domino's pizza...how the hell did I get into this....fucking smelling like pepperoni all day....I'm goddamn Eva Longoria for god's sake....someone is getting fired for this."

Don't get me wrong, I'd be thinking the same thing but then I wouldn't be in that position.



Uh Oh.....

Hey Lindsay Lohan, I know that vitamin water and it should be darker than that. Are you watering down your vitamin water with the clear nectar called Vodka? I know that trick Lindsay and I think that water should be darker.

I'll be looking for reports soon.


Tuesday, November 06, 2007

Friends Do Hawaii

Courtney firm up.

Jennifer, learn how NOT to make that annoying face. You look dumber than usual with that look. This is your look from the show and you were pretty dumb then too.


I really shouldn't go to work drunk

But it happens from time to time based on my prior evening plans. I was out last night drinking a fair amount.......ok...more than fair amount.

Woke up, still drunk and not really sure what I'm doing but I got through my 9AM meeting and had nothing else to do so all was well.

Anyway, go get some soup for lunch (southwestern corn chowder....pretty tasty)....so I'm heading back up to my office in the elevator with my soup. Some lady is on the elevator with a bag of fish sandwiches from a local fish institution. The place is a good 20 minutes away so it was a bit of a surprise.

I didn't notice until she was getting out. Door closes and there is a guy in there with me so I say "you see that? she had fish sandwiches from xxxxxx"....he was disinterested and just grunted...this pissed me off so I had to become annoying AND belligerent elevator guy so I say "yeah.....fish sandwiches from xxxx.....thats a hell of a haul"......dramatic pause to let him think I'm done but I'm going to continue......"I mean if I had known I'd have placed an order".....dramatic pause...another grunt and a look of 'please shut up about the fish sandwiches'......"You know, if you're going to xxxxx for fish, you need to announce that shit....others could be interested"......like on cue elevator opens, I storm off as if I'm really pissed that some woman that I don't even know didn't ask me if I wanted a sandwich while the guy is looking at me like I'm a real asshole.

I just went into my office and giggled.


Cmon Tom...Loosen Up

Does Tom Cruise ever NOT wear a sportscoat anymore? Does he think he is really a CIA spy as in his Mission Impossible role? What's he trying to prove.

Loosen up moron. I really can't take this guy.


Good Job Jessie

Apparently Jessica Simpson reads my blog. Right after I posted the danger of her becoming irrelevant and presented some potential ways to regain relevance, Jessie took my advice and has started hanging out with an A lister. She's been spotted with Owen Wilson alot recently.

Fine move Jessie....welcome back to relevance. I was hoping you'd pick drug habit but whatever....really not my choice.

Speaking of Jessie, there was an online poll asking who the ideal man for this idiot is: Nick, Owen, Jonny Knoxville or Mayer. 12,000 People voted and Nick Lachey won 65% of the votes. Cmon people......get over that......those two are dopes and painful together.

Sunday, November 04, 2007

Real World Australia

I haven't had alot to say about Real World this season because there is nothing to say. This is the worst season ever.....hands down.

Every episode is the same: Someone flirts with a guy, Parisa then tries to butt in and steal the guys attention. Cohutta is a redneck from Georgia and somehow seems to be winning the affection of Kelly Anne but there isn't a world or galaxy where this is actually feasible. Dunbar is a loser and Isaac is a self proclaimed bad boy who does nothing bad. Then there are the twins......one twin has a pair of twins and the other doesn't....only way to tell them apart. They dont do anything interesting and now the twin WITH twins has gone home due to an ultimatum by her fiance. The only reason I keep watching is in hopes that the twin's twins will pop out.

Thats it...thats the entire show. Interesting huh?

Equally As Wrong.........

Tyra.....WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU THINKING? Are you kidding me? You are Tyra Banks NOT a trashy trailer park girl. How did it make sense to you to put this one. We KNOW Britney is crazy so we expect her to dress like a moron but YOU should know better.

Is it possible she forgot a skirt or something over those leggings? Picture the scene when she gets home: she walks into her bedroom and sees the skirt laying on her bed, she's throws her hands to her head and thinks "wait...if that skirt is laying there, then what do I have on?"....as she looks down to realize the ghastly mistake she made. Then starts thinking "where was I, who saw me, were any pictures taken?" I can picture the whole scene in my head and YES Tyra...pictures were taken.

I love the people at the table in the back looking at her. Even they appear horrified.


So Wrong

This is wrong on so many levels. Britney Spears is out calling the world cruel...she wonders why the media and paparazzi attack her.

Isn't it painfully obvious Britney? Are you this clueless? That is NOT attractive midsection. MAYBE if that part was covered up it could have been a cute little costume but WHY did you do this to yourself? Take a lesson from Jennifer Garner and just be boring if you want the paparazzi to go away. You only see pictures of Jennifer holding her kids up to the water fountain and dumb shit like that and she isn't all that harassed.