Saturday, December 30, 2006

Tip your trash man

The other day I saw my garbage men outside and thought....."I'm giving these two dirtballs a tip". I ran into the house, got them a $20 a piece and took it out to them. You'd have thought I gave them a million dollar lottery ticket.

So I'm walking away and the one guy goes...."hey man do you drink?".....chuckle chuckle from me....."do I drink???" STUPID QUESTION but what does he know.

He nods and goes over here....I'm wondering what the hell is going to happen...thought he was going to pull out a bottle of Jack and want to do a shot with me. Turns out he had a case of Coors Light that someone left for him but he couldn't accept. Said if he got caught with it he would get fired and asked if I wanted it.

SURE THING......see, it pays to tip your garbagemen.


Tuesday, December 26, 2006

Speaking of Buffoons......

I saw my old friend from the grocery store the other day….George.

“Hey, how are you today sir…..having a great day I hope”.

Cheer the fuck down George.

This guy is simply happy to be alive and even happier to be working at a grocery store. I think he might be an assistant manager or something and achieving that goal in life seems to make George a happy person. He and his mommy probably never thought that such and aspiration would come to fruition but with a lot of hard work George has become the shining star of the local grocery store checkout people.

Fine work George, Fine work….keep em smiling while they buy their milk and toilet paper.

Saturday, December 23, 2006

I know it feels like I come and go too much.....

But bear with me.....I'm in process of finding a new job and when I do it's gonna get special around here.

In the past I was a bit too connected to the people I worked with to mock them on my site because they could have stumbled on to this and realized I was making fun of them.

But in my new job they won't even know they are the subjects of my amusement. I have no doubt I am going to find a number of buffoons wherever I land so material should not be an issue. It will sort of be like "The Office" of blogs.

By the way.....if you aren't watching "The Office" yet you simply must. Best show on television by far.

Mama Oprah and her court

Watch Mama Oprah yesterday and saw an episode featuring the cast of the new movie Dreamgirls. Boy what a priceless treat this was.

Beyonce, Jamie Foxx, Eddie Murphy and two unknowns all on stage with their Mother Queen, Mama Oprah.

In the Church of Oprah I’m pretty sure Jamie Foxx is the lead Arch Angel protecting the gates of Mama Oprah’s heaven. At least this is what you’d assume seeing him sit up on that stage all mighty and full of himself. This is the same Jamie Foxx that was a clown in In Living Color, Roc and the Jamie Foxx show. I have to give it to Jamie….with that Ray movie he is now the shit when it comes to serious, legit, A list Black actors and is certainly fitting of his role protecting Mama Oprah from evil.

Then we have Beyonce…….she decided on her own that she was going to lose 20 pounds for the movie. The directors didn’t ask her to….she decided on her own. “Hmmmm, I’m a borderline cow with hips ready to explode into the ether world and I’m going to be playing the leading lady opposite ArchAngel Jamie who is thin as a rail…fit as a fiddle….he’s no chubby JayZ so maybe before I get filmed with this squirt I should de-chub myself”. Brilliant Beyonce that you came up with that all on your own. What SOUND logic you possess. Now how did she do it so quick??? Liquid diet…she just drank liquids for 2-3 weeks or something. She’s gonna be fat again in no time…mark my words. That girl LOVES to eat.

AND FINALLY we have Eddie… Mama Oprah’s church he is obviously the clown prince….the court jester. From what I could tell from the clips Eddie essentially plays his James Brown character from SNL. The interesting thing about Eddie that I never noticed before is that he is gay. Read this again please so it doesn’t go over your head……..EDDIE MURPHY IS GAY. His mannerisms, his look, the way he talks….I’m telling you he is as queer as a 3 dollar bill. I couldn’t believe I was coming to this conclusion and it will never be admitted publicly but I am 100% convinced he is gay.

Just watching this gang on one stage pretending the audience wasn't even there cause they are so far above them was classic hollywood in their own world. LOVED IT.


How about Embarcadero???

For those of you who don’t know Little People, Big World is a show about a midget family and how they cope in a big person’s world (politically correctfully known as Little People).

The show itself isn’t that eventful other than the fascination with watching little people waddle around. I watched one episode though that brought on a classic moment that probably shouldn’t have been caught on tape and shown.

The wife little person met her two sisters in San Fran for a weekend. The sisters are normal people and the one sister brought a normal friend. Through the entire weekend the conversations were all about “our sister was never treated different than us….she was just our sister…little or big”, “I couldn’t have asked for a better family…..I never felt different”, blah blah blah.

Well at one point they actually pan to the friend who came along and this woman had a look on her face as if to say “are you kidding me??? Did I really come all the way to San Fran to hear about how this midget is just normal like the rest of us??? Aren’t we going to talk about ANYTHING else??? Kill Me”.

It was freaking FANTASTIC. I'm sure the little person's sisters saw that epidsode and wrote that friend off.


Friday, December 15, 2006

Who Believed This BS anyway?

So Brit and Paris aren't BFFs anymore. Ohhhh boooo hooooo. Cmon, like I ever thought these two princesses liked each other. One was born on a pile of hundreds and the other is a product of a $100 trick gone bad when the pill failed and a swimmer got through.

Silver Spoon meet Trailer Park, I don't think so.

Paris' Publicist (PP): Hey 'whatever your name is' Paris is going to be at xxx club at midnight, make sure Brit is there so they can get a photo opp, cause some noise and get some free easy publicity
Brits Publicist (BP): Great idea 'whatever your name is' this will be a grand way to keep them relevant
PP: yeah, huh?
BP: right yeah
PP: Ok, so be there at midnight cause Paris doesnt like to be kept waiting and doesn't really want to be there long waiting for Brit
BP: OK, and shall I leak how the girls are "hanging out like BFFs" or shall you? Is it too soon to be calling them BFF's?
PP: Not at all.....I'll do it.

They don't like each other, they don't hang out and there was no chance in hell they were ever going to be BFFs.


With a Banjo on My Knee

So I'm at Home Depot today. It's in a strip mall area with a big parking lot. At the back of the parking lot there sat a beat up old volvo that looked like it might not actually drive. In the passenger seat of the volvo was a guy with scruffy looking, unkept hair.

This dude was sitting there by himself playing a banjo and singing to himself. I shit you not. I actually saw this today. I was so taken by this gentleman that I actually circled around just to look at him again and confirm.

He sort of realized I was staring at him but just looked up, saw me and then looked back down to his strumming fingers and kept on singing without a care in the world.


Thursday, December 14, 2006

Megan the Menace and Hicks the Has Been

Megan Mullally is a menace. There is no other way to put it. I actually had to google her to find out she was the annoying bitch on Will and annoying show in general. Who knew she was personally more annoying than her character.

She has some horrible talk show where she squawks all the time and annoyingly laughs at herself. I digress, this is actually meant to be about Taylor Hicks. To be honest I had no idea who the hell this lady was but saw Taylor Hicks and thought.....'hmmm, what's he doing'.

So, Carrie Underwood is opening at the CMAs, AMAs and most other MAs out there with her new sleek and sexy self......(Carrie my dear....when you stood up with that long sweater thing and revealed those new legs of yours I assure you men applauded).....anyway, Carrie is doing great and Taylor is appearing on Menancing Meggy's show.

This isn't a show on NBC, CBS, FOX or the like....its on some local station that rates under the WB for quality TV. There's Taylor flailing himself around, playing the harmonica and wierdly twitching around the stage in all his American Idol glory. Oh my what you've managed to make of yourself Hicks. Fine work.

Side note: wonder how Daughtry's album is selling?


OH Dakar you made my day

Was that really you Dakar? Did you really leave a comment or was that just a friend dicking around with me?

I almost stopped blogging because my loyal reader in Dakar wouldn't say hi, leave a comment, nothing.

If that was really you I am so happy.

Make a difference indeed

I am all too familiar with AOL. Let's just say (as some of you know) I know them intimately. Anyway, even I was shocked by their recent commercial featuring the dude from Married with Children (Al Bundy).

The gist of the commercial is you should sit in front of your computer watching videos in order to make a difference. WHAT???? AOL I know you are mad but are you completely insane?

It used to be visit sick and old people, give food to needy, cure cancer, walk in breast-a-thon walks, etc to make a difference. It USED to be get away from TV, videos, the computer in order to make a difference. Doing that shit is just going to make you fat. TV and Video use to be the sole cause of child obesity (well, ok, along with the super size fries and everything else).

Now AOL wants us to sit around and watch videos in order to make a difference.

Thats precious.....truly precious and I happen to know for a fact that MANY people at AOL ARE buffoons.

Wednesday, December 13, 2006

Real World Train Wreck

Well it's not a real train wreck....that's right...MTV's Real World is back and after possibly the WORST cast in the history of Real World MTV got it right again.

Two seasons ago, there was Wes, Nehemia, Danny, Melinda, the Goth idiot who contstantly got caught talking shit on each other and piggy face....she was the girl who wasn't really fat but had a fat, pig shaped head so as a result no matter what she wore or how thin she was she always looked fat cause of that face......poor thing...such a curse you bear.

Anyway, this season was the BEST by far because of these idiots. I'll NEVER forget Danny's fake ass tan on the reunion show as he tried to be all Ben Affleck. So following that season I figured MTV had the formula: complete buffoons. But last season failed miserably. They put 7 strangers with no personality in a house to see if they could bore each other to death.

My Friends, this season is back and back STRONG. We are talking complete buffoons. One chick is a former raiderette...complete wild whorish type. Another is an ok looking chick from someplace on earth. These two talk about how great of friends they are going to be. Ok Looking Chick (OLC) falls for one of the dudes....making out with him, cuddling at night, etc. They all get drunk, OLC wants dude to cuddle, dude says he'll be there in a minute and then goes and has sex with the Raiderette....OLC's new BFF. Oh, did I mention this is all within the first 3 days???

Then OLC and dude talk and seem to be ok and patching things up after OLC brings home a random to make dude jealous. So what do OLC and Dude do???? They make a pact to NOT hook up with anyone else. Seems reasonable right??? Oh, the pact was for 24 hours. After 3 days, they are making a pact to NOT hook up with anyone else for ONE FREAKING DAY.



RR's Date a State

I know I pick on Rachel Ray alot but a) its so damn easy and b) there simply isnt enough other amusing tv on at this time.

So I'm watching RR the other day and she has a segment called date a state. This is where she picks a woman from the audience and she can view over 50 from every state and decide which state she wants to go to coffee with.

Seems reasonable right??? WELL IT'S NOT. big ass, frumpy CAN'T put 50 reasonably good looking, well built men in their mid-20s on a stage to be selected by some 45ish, frumpier than you, bigger ass than yours haggard divorcee. What do those guys want with that old, big ass nonsense.

NOT like this woman was a hot MILF and you might be making two fantasies come true.....young guys older MILF fantasy (one I know all too well) and the older woman's young stud fantasy (I've read about these in Penthouse Forum).

I'm betting the buck spit in old maid's coffee.


Thursday, December 07, 2006

Mama Oprah

I heard the other day that Oprah really is a MaMa. No shit.....she has "secretly" (whatever that means) adopted 10 babies in Africa. She sends them money on a monthly basis and makes sure they go to boarding school.

WAIT.....does this mean I was a Papa in 5th grade? I "adopted" a child when I was in 5th grade. $1.25 a month which ensured my child was fed and educated. In fact MOST 5th graders do this Mama Oprah. I mean it costs about $15/month to be a mama and you only got 10 "kids"?

The world should really be proud of you Oprah for doing what a class of 5th graders do. Cmon now....shouldn't you adopt an entire village??? actually COUNTRY????? You want congratulated for spending $150/year on your 10 kids? You are making alot more from that Church of yours than that.


You Dancing Fool

That's right....I'm talking about Ellen De'Lesbian. I haven't had anything to say about this show because I can't get myself to watch more than 2 minutes of it but alas I was flipping around and saw her holding some little peanut holders she is selling on her web site.....all 25 of them.

After pitching her peanut holders she started a little segment called "I can dance". This is a segment where the DJ plays some music and Ellen dances around the studio audience and onto her seat. I've been told she does this every day. It must be her way to transition from monologue to seat......going to commercial or simply walking is apparently too easy.

I have to tell you, I almost lost my breakfast watching her dance. What is more disturbing than watching an ugly, butch lesbian without an OUNCE of sex appeal dance around trying to be sexy?....ohhhhh, I'll tell you.....watching this same ugly butch STRADDLE her coffee table and seemingly doing some sexy pseudo lap dance grinding thing as she dances from end to end while STRADDLING.

Who is watching this shit? Frumpy housewives who all of the sudden think they can be sexy by dancing along????



Wednesday, December 06, 2006

Rachel Update

I caught Rachel this morning. She seems to have gone away from story time with two audience members telling dumb stories to tips of the day using household items with two buffoons giving their tips.

Today's item was the freezer bag. One buffoon's grand tip of the day for the freezer bag was using two pairs of bags as rubbers in the winter to protect her beloved heels. Congratulations moron, you just wasted two freezer bags AND made an idiot of yourself on national (much too watched) television.

The idea is stupid for a plethora (how do you like me big word people???) of reasons:
1) you look stupid and everyone else is mocking you
2) I'm betting those things rip easily on the ground, snag on something, whatever
3) I'm betting they don't stay on real well and you're constantly adjusting
4) IF you live in NY are you really gonna sit in the subway wearing those things? could be killed
5) There are plenty of other alternatives: cheaper pair of shoes you don't care as much about for the weather, wear boots or something fashionable yet weahter appropriate, carry your shoes and wear something else until you get to the office or wherever......plenty of other means while not looking like a fool
6) Did I mention how stupid you look?

Now the guy who uses the ziploc bags to go fishing was on to something. Fine job old man with nothing better to do and obviously too cheap to just buy a tackle box.


Tuesday, December 05, 2006

Justin Timbermess

So I'm sitting here watching the Victoria Secret fashion show. NO I don't actually think its interesting, provacative or sexy in any way actually. Just a lot of dumb annoying models who think their life is tough walking around in stuff that isn't dirty enough for me. Of course the women are pretty but they look like walking emotion......perhaps they should visit Club Erotica and get some pointers on how to "walk a runway". Then I'd take note.

Anyway, the only reason I kept it on was to give it 2 mins of a chance and then I was capture by Timbermess. Of course I hate this guy....what mid-30 male doesn't? What need do I have for this dumb music. But the reason I couldn't turn the channel was because I'm watching this goof and trying to figure out WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU......other than a mess.

You are George Michael gay
You are Vanilla Ice wanna b rapper
You are Eminem wanna b gangster
You want to be Michael Jackson hip hop
You are STILL boy band gay fucking moves
You are Michael Stipe wierd
You are CEO Mr. Hip Hop suit wearer all the time.
You sound like a girl one second and a black rapper the next.

What a MESS.



That's right ladies, gentlemen, friends, fans and whoever you are in Dakar.......11/11 and OH MY what has been happening......did he die? do you we all have to go back to that Hack Perez Hilton? are we left forever to wonder if he ran off and converted to the Church of Oprah leaving his mocking ways behind, Did he get invited to the mexican friends house and then knifed?...........OH MY you people give me no credit. NO I'm not dead.....yet I feel like it most days (different story), NO you dont have to read the gay hack....hey Perez, how about ANOTHER picture of Jessica Simpson being a mess....ok I know I do it too but I have originality with many of my other postings......NO I didnt convert to Mama O's church and in fact I have some great new thoughts based on a recent episode that I'm meaning to post and NO the mexican friend didn't lure me to his house and knife me....I made it out of the area alive....possibly never to return.

SO after a brief pause in action due to alot going on, I'm back so come back, visit often and tell your friends.

Now for what inspired my comeback.........TIMBERMESS. See next post