Wednesday, August 30, 2006

Hogan Knows Nothing

I realize I could get beat up if Hulk Hogan ever finds out who I am but this guy is an unbelievable buffoon.

I'm sitting here watching back to back episodes of his "reality" and its unbelievable what is going on. A few observations:

1) Hulk was just caressing his 14 year old boy telling him it was time to get up. Hulk, he is NOT 2, he's 14. Stop caressing him.
2) Hulkette (the bimbo wife) was just groping the daughter's breasts because the daughter had a T-shirt on that read "They're Real". Hey Hulkette, was there any doubt your 16 year old daughter's breasts were real??? Did you have to grope them? Promptly after groping the daughter, Hulkette took the high road and informed her that t-shirt was too suggestive and not appropriate to be worn. Uh, well clearly its too even aroused her own mom to the point of an incestuous groping.
3) Hulk, what book of parenting did you read??? Of course your 14 year old boys top priority is his gf, NOT an old, bald doof running around in a t-shirt that reads: Thats not a bald spot, thats a solar panel for a sex machine.
4) Hulk, enough with the damn yellow...the truck is REALLY too much.

Maybe you can get another shot as Thunderlips in the next Rocky movie.

Monday, August 28, 2006

Update: Grocery Doof George

I'm very upset today. I went to the grocery store to hear goddamn George recite the VPs and he wasn't there. NOT THERE George??? You ducking me? You home memorizing the VPs? You live at the grocery the hell can you all of the sudden NOT be there? I know you're ducking me pal.

You better be there with VPs rehearsed next week or I'm going ballistic in produce.

Saturday, August 26, 2006

Buffoon of the Day: Grocery Store Doof

So I'm out getting a few things (chicken, salsa, chips, milk, cheese, etc.....for those of you who must know) and I check out and here is one of the normal check out guys. This guy's name is George. George is about 35 I guess and has worked as a check-out guy at this store for the last 7 years so clearly George has no real hope. George has bushy, light brown hair, big coke bottle glasses, a dumb thick mustache and a chubbyish face.....just to set the scene. Now here's my exchange:

George: Hi, how are you doing today....have that fuelperks card?
Me: I'm fine,'s that card
George: Great, great....ok, that will be $18.12 or the year when xxxx was made president (I can't remember who xxxx was....what do I care for god's sake)
Me: is that real? do you know all the presidents?
George: oh yeah, all of them.....washington, adams, 3, 4,5,6,7,8.etc, etc, etc, etc, etc and so on and so on and blah, blah, blah, 32, 33,34, blah, blah blah, Bush JR.
Woman behind me: WOW, and I thought my husband was the only one who could do that, you two would really hit if off
Me: That's great....I'll see you tomorrow for the Vice Presidents

What the HELL George. What makes you think someone buying milk wants to hear the goddamn presidents? Lunatic....all that talent and this is all you can do with your life???

Next time (after I test George on the VPs) I'm sticking with the standard plan and just going to one of the 16 year old high schoolers who ignore everyone because they can't believe they are working at a grocery store with people like George.

Timing is Everything

So right after I did my write up on Nickster great new single I decided to go for coffee and boy was my timing on this morning. I get in the car and what song is playing on my Sirius Satellite Radio???? You guessed it: "I can't hate you anymore". Of course I had to listen to see just how ridiculous the lyrics are and I wasn't disappointed.

First line I hear: "No matter how hard I try, I just can't hate you anymore".

Well Nickster, what the F*&K is your problem? The rest of the people I know hate Jessie without an ounce of trying. Not ONE smidgen of effort but lots of hate.....dumb, plastic faced, moron's really easy. Getting angry just thinking about her.

OK, We Get it Nick

For God's sake Lachey we get it already....You're over her, you forgive her, blah blah blah. Enough with the songs. I would much rather hear you sing songs of your ongoing hatred for Jessie, why must you sing songs about letting her go. Clearly you didn't write the song yourself, some jackass in the ivory tower of your label had a great thought on how even YOU could sell a song. "Hey, I bet if we have the Nickster sing about how he's been able to let go we can market him". INGENIOUS asshole.....nobody's done THAT before.

When I first saw the title "I can't hate you anymore" I thought "what an interesting play on words....perhaps they should have called it "I can't hate you any more" because most of the world really can't hate jessie any more than we already do.....why is the Nickster any different.

Hmmmmm, I wonder if the hot new gf giving you lap dances in random clubs has helped. My only question is why you didn't just start boning your brothers dance teacher from dancing with the stars.......oh forget it, I know why.....because I'm pretty sure he is.

Friday, August 11, 2006

LA....the place to be

I was just getting my haircut and there was a People magazine sitting there. Thumbed through it and apparently Malibu is the place to be. As I mentioned in a previous post, I'm obsessed with the 'other world' that stars seem to all live ain't the same world I belong to. Well apparently this other world is Malibu and it's filled with fun, sun, parties, wild time, clubs and hangouts.

This weekend I'm sitting, daydreaming (pretending to work) and wishing I was in LA. In my world this is my house, I have a great incredible hot girlfriend with no responsibility. We just hang out, drink, eat, watch the freak show called Stardom and do what comes natural to two heterosexual HOT bastards.

"Hey is that BFFs Jake, Matt and Lance riding their bikes....."
...."hey baby, wanna invite Scarlett over tonight for a 3some"? (just kidding, who would need a 3some when you'd have the hottest GF on the planet).

Steak or Clam Strips....mmmmm, what choices

So the other night I'm hanging out, feeling at little frisky come 11:00 and wanting some ice cream. Sure the state of mind caused the desire but thats beside the point. Question is where does one get ice cream at 11PM? Stone Cold Creamery web site.....CLOSED. McDonalds delish soft serve?...didn't feel like drive through and can't sit in a McDonalds....smell of grease in my beautiful new pretty green t-shirt.....I really don't think so...what would people say.

That left the local diner (basic idea above just to give you a true feel). Every diner has those crazy ass cheesy booklets filled with all their desserts and they pride themselves in the desserts because nobody should really be eating the steak. On to the diner we head and what do we find at the diner.......

We found a part of society that we all know exists yet we still view as if we are in some out-of-body experience. Are these people for real? Is this menu for real? What kind of place has both Steak AND Clam strips on the menu??? You don't find that at Morton's my friends. What kind of person eats clam strips? We considered ordering both the clam strips and the steak just to see what the hell they looked like at such a place....of course we couldn't actually do it. I refused to leave the diner until I found fried shrimp (NOT to eat, just's the point...if they have goddamn salmon they better damn have fried shrimp). I almost panicked because I thought I was doomed to live at the diner and then there it was....sitting out as one of the specialties of the house....but of course, how could I just not look there first.

By the way....the brownie sunday was the diner equivalent of Morton's delish Godiva cake (which apparently is free is you just claim its your bday and can get over the guilt of the lie). It sucked and the waiter apparently hated us because he brought the thing all melted after serving the 80 year old guy behind us his 11:30 hamburger and side salad with croutons (which apparently are more trashy than I actually realized).

Wednesday, August 09, 2006

He Almost Died

Had dinner tonight next to Deb and Pete. This was one of those places where you were practically dining with the people next to you. I assumed at the beginning they were an old married couple. Actually didn't seem entirely miserable but then something started changing......Pete spent the latter half of dinner clutching his chest as if he was going to die. "The black beans help the food go down easier"......WHAT THE HELL does that mean??? No clue. So he's clutching his chest and every now and then Deb would say "Pete, you still with me?....Pete, come back". I'd glance over and Pete was surely gone.....don't know where, thought maybe dead but certainly gone.

Tuesday, August 08, 2006

Tara....only because I'm required to

Tara Reid is a train wreck. We all know that and quite frankly the posting of such info has been overplayed. We all get what a mess she is.Look at this picture.

Tara Reid is 30 years old. Tell me she doesn't look like those 70 year old leathery, crotchety, bikini-wearing, well past their prime hags that clearly worship the sun and beach WAY too much. She looks like a goddamn 70 year old leathery sun worshipper. The old freaky looking lady who just won't give up the crisco.

Monday, August 07, 2006

Friends meet Housewives

Where are we as a society when our "Friends" are the same age as our "Desperate Housewives"????

Cox, 42.....Hatcher and Sheridan basically the same. My, oh my.

Buffoon of the Day 8-8-07

I work with a guy who's a real buffoon. He watches the premiere of one of my most favorite shows ever...Flavor of Love (more on this topic later). Anyway, I missed it cause i wasn't around on Sunday when it debuted but he sees it....."hey, you see flavor last night"...."no, didnt see it, going to watch it tuesday, dont ruin it"....."I won't but this one part.....SPOILER". BUFFOON proceeds to tell me what I couldn't possibly ever envision happening on ANY television show. I still haven't seen it and I have no idea what its going to be like but he RUINED the moment I'm going to see Tues at 10. What he told me is SO amazing that telling me DEFINES spoiler.

That my friends is a pure idiot buffoon. Congrats goddamn spoiler moment of the freaking TV year douche ARE the buffoon of the day (by the way, he's going to be the buffoon of many days, I assure you).

Buffoon of the Day 8-7-07

I was traveling the highways as I frequently do.....(no I'm not a trucker but yes I am forced to live amongst these beasts.....its really amazing to me how they actually use an entire rest area sink as their personal hygiene groomery...anyway...)....I was traveling the highways and there is this one rest area I stop at to get coffee, take my first pee of the morning and try to reawaken myself before I fall off the side of the road. At this rest area you have to walk past the sinks and shit stalls and then through this little entranceway to enter an aisle of urinals on each side of the aisle.

There is one urinal that sits right at the entrance way. I have never ONCE thought of using it, nor have I ever seen anyone use it because it's right in the way. WELL, today someone was there. First view every guy has walking in is this buffoon's penis. Not only did I have to see the package I had to maneuver around him to get into the aisle to reach an upon urinal.

Congrats dumb urinal guy, you are the Buffoon of the day.

Next time read this:

Carson Daly Update

I had no idea this buffoon was still on TV. Are you telling me you actually went from the prime time kid spot (3-6 after school) on TRL to 1:30 AM???......Who's watching that?

I thought he was just off the face of the earth. How the mighty have fallen.

Friday, August 04, 2006

Oprah Today

Oprah is saving prostitutes today. She is grabbing the big head of some prostitute trying to tell her she will be fine. The hooker said she 'feels used up'. Oprah keeps grabbing her head and telling her "you are NOT used up". She's grabbed her head about 10 times saying this over and over. Finally she made the woman say it after her......the poor girl had no choice but to finally cave and in the MOST unconvincing voice and expression on her face blurt out "i am not used up".

Entire audience applauds as if Mama Oprah just performed a miracle. Mama Oprah saves another soul. Good work Big O.

Church of Oprah

I'd like to start by saying that I do admire Oprah for coming from where she came from to become one of the wealthiest people in the world. For her to create an empire out of "touching people's souls" is quite a feat. That said, it doesn't mean she's not a complete whack job. The woman is a true lunatic and I eat up every second watching her.

She started with a talk show preying on the psyche of women....bashing men, diet problems, touching stories and the occasional celebrity interview. After quickly burning through every diet fad she could she had to change the wasn't about diets, it was about your inner soul. Its all about your inner soul people, you need to be happy with yourself and Mama Oprah is her to show you the way. This took her status from talk show diva to goddess stature guiding her church.

To me, she is the worlds preeminent Queen Buffoon (I say this knowing she has the power to have me killed). I'll never forget the episode I watched where a woman said she was down and out, she had nothing and little hope of pulling herself together so she bought an old pair of Oprah's shoes on Ebay and would stand in them every morning looking at herself in the mirror. They gave her power. They gave her the power to turn her life around but going to school for a degree (in something silly) at the tender young age of 42. 42???......gees, most people do this on their own without a pair of goddamn shoes before the age of 22.

Join the Army

I stopped in a rest area while travelling the other day. There was this elderly gentleman instructing this young man on how to clean the rest area and sign the sheet when he's done cleaning. "Sign here with the time.....Ok, see if you see a toilet stuffed with a bunch of paper, just clean it out...pull it out and clean....Got it?"

Now I understand not everyone can go to Harvard, Princeton or Yale but at what point does this young guy say to himself....."nah, I'm just not going to be cleaning up after truckers in rest area stalls......I'll join the army".

Join the goddamn Army you fool.

Wednesday, August 02, 2006

TRL....not so swell...ohhh Carson

What happened??? were the man....hanging with hip hop....golfing with legendary athletes....p diddy to Tiger Woods to hall of famers......Now you look like a goddamn caricature of some cartoon figure.

Your days of those hip, cool Dt Pepsi commercials are done but maybe you can play Barney Fife in the Andy Griffith 50th Anniversary special.
You get the sense that I enjoy poking fun of celebrities. I am in fact obsessed with pop culture. Not because I am dying to wear the same clothes as celebrities or SOOOO wish I could get to red carpet premieres and events and I certainly don't just live for opportunity to brush with pop culture greatness and maybe get an autograph or picture. Noooo, these are not the reasons for my obsession. I just find it fascinating to watch these people live so far removed from reality....complete buffoons. The things they do and say amaze me because no normal person can get away with these things and not be locked up......either prison or a mental institution.

Don't get me wrong....I'm clearly jealous. Who wouldn't want to be rich and not have to do anything for a living except get carted from trailer to set (or carried in Mariah's case) and fed like a king. I'm by not means heavy but I have a little belly from my drinking and eating habits. OF COURSE I'd love to have nothing else to do except meet with my personal trainer to keep this body tight for that someone special (ok, actually I hate working out....I like laying on the couch and she seems fine with it so why bother). Sure would be nice to have my own world though. They all seem to live in their own so why shouldn't I have mine??? Oh well....back to doing nothing in OUR world.

By the way Luke......

jump on to Owens Coattails but they're getting shorter...........Owen was awesomely funny in Starsky and Hutch and Wedding Crashers. I'm going to reserve judgement on his future until I actually see Me, you and Dupree.

Owen...this is your moment pal...have you jumped the shark???? Stay tuned.

Was Luke Wilson ever that cool?

Cmon....Old School was great....He's got nothing else. Now we have My Super Ex-Girlfriend. Let's's really hard trying to get a guy to go see a chick flick to begin with but ummmm let's see....NO...we don't want to see "romantic comedies" about chicks we are trying to get rid of who have super powers and threaten us. Make us stay in a relationship??? Thats a NIGHTMARE....NOT a movie.....NOT entertainment....NOT something we find amusing. THAT's exactly what we fear and a standard BAD relationship. So Luke.....Good luck with the film. I won't be seeing it.

Oh and Uma......I really don't know...but think you've jumped the shark. Not that hot. Maybe ok but don't get any excitement thinking of you.

17 Minutes.....GO AWAY

Maybe I'm different...Maybe I'm just not nice....maybe I just don't like people...I don't know. Who am I kidding, I'm no different than anyone else and that's why I write this stuff and enjoy making fun of people. Here's a fact for everyone to remember and let it sink in:

NOBODY CARES!!! People only care about themselves and their own issues. I got lots of things going on in my life and I don't bore those around me becuase I get that they also have things going on and they don't care about my things. I simply wish everyone else would get this and stop. That's why I don't spend time making idle chit chat. I observe, comment and amuse.

Why should I have to sit politely and listen to some colleague talk for 17 DAMN minutes about their house, downsizing, upgrading. Great...I wish you well with that, GO AWAY I'm busy doing nothing (actually flirting with some hottie).

Jennifer Aniston

For the first subject of one of my frequent and many tirades I'd like to discuss Ms. Anniston. Obviously famous from her years spent as the 'hottest' of the Friends, clearly NOT famous as a result of wonderful productions including The Break-up, Friends with Money, Rumor Has It, Derailed, Bruce Almighty, The Good Girl, Picture Perfect......but I must admit I liked Along Came Polly (inspite of her) and Office Space is a CLASSIC (again, no thanks to her). Lets be honest though, her competition on Friends wasn't overwhelming...Cox turned disturbingly thin, while Kudrow always seemed to be the BIG friend. Not even the guys could hold their own.....LeBlanc was a gorilla, Schwimmer was a big doof and the best looking of the guys (in my opinion) Perry played the biggest dork of them all which made him just a loser (quite frankly I play a big dork but somehow manage to maintain attractiveness...but I digress).

So now Aniston wants to do a reunion. A Thanksgiving special. PLEASE Jennifer SPARE the world of watching (what now will be) mid 30s single New Yorkers act WHACKY trying to make a goddamn turkey. Wasnt that done already?

Isn't it clear why Brad left her. Just look at the photo. That dumb face says nothing exciting. NOTHING AT ALL. You think she's any fun to be around? I don't. Every picture of her has that same dumb boring look to her. She's not even trying to fake sexy. Its as if she is going for dull and she does it so well.

My Purpose

For my first posting I just want to describe exactly what it is I'm going to be doing here. I'm going to be giving my readers the brutal truth on everything and anything that comes to mind.....pop culture, work, colleagues, friends, family, large people, ugly people, shoes I'm wearing, shoes some dope is wearing.....whatever comes to mind.

See I have issues....I know this, in fact I basically even know the issues. This in fact is part of my I'm told. I tend to go off on crazy rants about dumb shit (especially in the morning when I'm still punch drunk from the night before).

Me??? I'm in my 20's or 30's, professional straigh male stuck in a corporate environment that I can't stand but hey, I make too much to quit. Meanwhile everyone at work just tells me I should be paid to entertain in the meetings. I don't really DO anything else. I really don't. I'm a contractor and make really nice money and I can't for the life of me figure out why they don't kick me out. So I'll do this.