Ok Rachel....easy on it

I just posted something on Rachel and then she just got completely ridiculous and had to post again. The audience clapped for something and she says "oh, save it to the end or you'll be doing that for 5 solid minutes". Gees Rachel.......little cocky about a bit of celery and italian meats aren't you?

Stay tuned...who knows what she'll do next.

Crazy and Full of Herself

Didn't think I was referring to Rachel Ray did ya???....Everyone's sweetheart cook is she?

Not so much....I'm staying in my hotel room rather than going to work (what's the point really...I don't do much)....so anyway, I'm in my hotel and I get the pleasure of seeing Rachel Ray's new show. A few points:

1) Rachel is really a bitch...you can see how full of herself she is.....she comes out for her intro and walks around at the beginning and says hello to a few people, shaking their hands. Thing is she says hi and shakes the persons hand but as the woman is saying hi in return and is shaking Rachel is already walking off completely disinterested.
2) Rachel screams.....she simply screams rather than talks. Don't they have microphones on that set??? I don't see Mama Oprah screaming.
3) Was it just coincidence that as Rachel says "and its a figure friendly recipe" the camera pans to two big chubbies in the audience? Why did they have to do that....not nice Rachel.
4) Rachel has the biggest meaty paws I have ever seen on a woman...nothing feminine about those hands.
5) Rachel is clearly trying to be a cross between Rosie and Emeril.....neither is working.
6) Rachel's little tweak on the "couch" or "desk" that each talk show host has???.....she has a kitchen table in the middle of the set and she sits in one of the chairs and faces the audience and then talks as if she's just hanging with a bunch of friends in the kitchen.

She was much better on her "$40 a day" show......"mmmm, thats good coffee".

Hogan at his finest

Currently watching Hogan Knows Best. What a great episode. Hulk sends his daughter to their beach house so she can get away and get a little peace without being watched like a hawk. Well not so fast Brooke.......daddy starts off following you around in all Black and then he pays a pizza guy $50 to see if anyone is in the house other than Brooke and her friend....but then he complains to himself that Brooke shouldn't have let the guy in because he could have killed them but then he thanks the pizza guy for gathering the intel.....make up your mind Hulk. Complete lunatic.....well its all staged I assume so its not like he's really that crazy.

Next day he takes his boat out with some dude with long range microphones to listen in on Brooke at the beach house where she has managed to invite about 100 people from the beach to the house. There's daddy Hulkster, perched in his boat 50 feet off shore listening in....."did he just say he likes big butts???....I'll kill him".

Oh by the way.....remember Hulk's big yellow truck???? Not like Brooke is going to notice that sitting around outside. That's not obvious at all. Clearly no more obvious than the "AC Guy" who Hulk hired to spy on Brooke walking around with a walkie-talkie TALKING to Hulk just 10 feet away from the room where Brooke is hanging with her friend.

This show is fantastically staged. No chance in hell this is anyone's reality.

The Lake House

There will be a full review to come but I had to post an initial entry just to let my readers know about one of the most fantastically horrible movies I have ever seen. I've waited for this moment for a long time and finally I saw The Lake House. Ever since I saw the trailer with Keanu saying "you're gonna think I'm crazy" as he was about to explain his girlfriend who lives a mere 2 YEARS away I just knew I had to see it.....well last night was the night.

I was in a hotel room and I saw the movie on the channels.....lets face it, I was cruising to see what kind of porn was on and then decided just to check on the real movies. There is was, to my delight.....The Lake House. Porn.....The Lake House.....whats a guy to do??? Well I figured I just had to see this horrible film and boy was I NOT disappointed. Keanu Reeves turns in the exact horribly cheesy performance I expected.....actually he was even worse than I could have imagined. EVERY time Keanu opens his mouth its a true comedic experience. He's simply that amazing.

I must tell you all that I actually took 10 pages of notes on this debacle and will provide an in depth review but I just had to let you all know how tremendously horrible the movie was. Keanu's only good film was the matrix.....because he DIDN'T talk.

Making Friends in the Workplace

I'm somewhat of a loner type person, not because I'm not cool....on the contrary....I'm too cool and have difficulties finding people that I truly enjoy hanging out with. I don't care to make small talk about the ways of the world, cultural issues, peace in the middle east, someone else's job or life.....I'm not changing any of those things and they don't amuse me so WHY do I want to discuss them. I like drinking, gambling, sports, girls and amusement. If a conversation doesn't include one of these topics, I'm simply uninterested.

That said, I'm trying to make a friend at work. I don't know why but somehow I'm drawn to this fellow. I don't even know his name but he's the mexican guy who cleans the bathrooms and sweeps the stairwells in the building...both inside and outside. For some reason every time I see the guy I try to get some form of acknowledgement....a little hello, a nod.....something. It has something to do with the fact that this guy is always roaming around the building, cleaning up after all of us, doesn't seem to ever talk to any of the other mexican people working around (mostly in the cafeteria) so I just feel bad and want to know that someone appreciates his efforts. Currently I'm just trying to get some eye contact and a little smile out of the guy. When that goes well I'm going to move onto a real hello.

Something tells me at some point this guy is going to want to have me over for dinner and I'm going to regret the day I took on this little project. Oh well, I need to amuse myself with something.

Oh Not You Adam....why you

Perhaps I may offend a few of my readers...the 5 of you....but why does Adam Sandler have to make a movie pretending to be a gay fireman? I get that playing gay is sort of en vogue and funny and all but Adam Sandler????......How is that in any way believable. He's just a goddamn goof, not gay.

We should only see Adam playing himself as a moron, he does it well. Mr. Deeds was a cutish sort of funny type movie, I'm not going to kid you, I sort of liked it in a dumb way. But this is the type of role he should be playing. Just like Waterboy and Happy Gilmore, that's it. No other roles. Pretend to be gay fireman just to get benefits from a co-worker......why the hell doesn't he get the same benefits anyway? Whats all that about. He should be working on getting those same benefits his co-worker is eligible for, NOT acting gay.

The Proof is in The Wrinkles

Jane Fonda has recently been trying to warn Lindsay Lohan to calm down and stop partying so much. She has told Ms. Lohan that young stars who burn the candle at both ends tend to pay the piper in the long run.

I don't really care if Lindsay parties all the time or not but you can't argue with fact. Just look at Jane now, she's one fried ass piece of wax. That piper has been paid.....by the looks of Jane I think that piper must own a small island in the south pacific. Oh Jane, you really would be best off fading off into the sunset.....not in the spotlight.....ANYWHERE but the spotlight.

Self Indulgent Dick of the week: Georgie

Of course I'm referring to George Clooney....who else would it be??? Ok it could have been anyone but this time is Georgie.


Recent star tracks photo in People shows Georgie solving the problems of Sudan. Once he solves this country's problems he'll move on to the heart of the middle east. He'll probably run for president and solve all world issues. What a jackass....thinks HE'S the answer. Just look at the nameplate.....if that doesn't scream ..."look at me world, I'm here" what does?

I knew this guy was trouble since Ocean's 12. "Hey, here's an idea....we cast Julia in the role of my gf who looks SO much like Julia Roberts that she'll act like Julia to get into the museum. Oh, my....aren't all of us stars grand....get it...Julia will play the part of 'dumb bitch gf' playing the part of Julia.....ahhhh only WE could pull this off". I got so pissed watching that shit it still boils my blood today.

Now I have to see Oceans 13 just to see what these assholes pull off next. Self indulgent Asshole.

Misattempt to Remain Relevant: J Lo and Markie

A new feature here at The Buffoonery is the reporting on poor attempts by has beens to remain relevant. Our first misattempt goes to J Lo and Markie.



J Lo and Markie have begun the process of promoting their new film El Cantante. El Cantante is a film about Hector Lavoe who is credited for starting the Salsa 'movement' in 1975 and bringing it to the US. Didn't you learn from Gigli that nobody wants to see in a movie with your man of the half decade. Actually, nobody wants to see you in a movie at all J Lo.

Markie obviously plays Hector and I can only assume J Lo plays some dumb Ho that Hector falls for while she aids him in the development of the salsa "movement" (sort of makes me want to have a movement just thinking about it). SO, we have a movie based in the mid 70s....first problem. The only movies that should be set in the 70s should revolve around drugs or the mob....period!!!! Who (out of the sate of Florida and certain pockets of NY) wants to see a movie about the Salsa movement. Second problem is that I assume we (by we, I mean those in florida and certain part of NY who actually see the movie......I wouldn't be caught dead) anyway, we are going to have to watch J Lo shake that big ass of hers for 90 mins. This is the heart of her thinking she can be relevant.....she THINKS the world wants to see that ass and this is the movie her public has been waiting for......J Lo, we're over it......Marky, we were never interested.
Can we just get this released to DVD so we can mock it at a reasonable cost.

Honorable mention for first Misattempt to Remain Relevant go to: Lisa Rinna for making her hubby get on Dancing with the Stars. He was horrible. Madonna also receives honorable mention for her little cruxifiction routine. Madonna, you aren't a young, rebellious teen/pop idol anymore, you are old.....deal with it and have some class and grace.

You aren't John Holmes

Brad recently was speaking with press in Toronto for some film coming out and had the following concern:

Pitt talked candidly about his children with Angelina Jolie, worrying about them seeing his past films. "Oh my God, what did I do? What are they gonna see? Films from the past, I start making that list and ah, but it definitely colors what I'll approach in the future, I'll try to be a little bit more mature about my decisions."

Brad, are you afraid those kids are going to slit their wrists out of boredom when they are forced to watch A River Runs Through It or Legends of the Fall??? Is that the concern? I still have freaking scars on my wrists from the trama and quite frankly I'm considering suing your ass.

I'm just not sure that counts Stacey

Fergie on her past addiction to crystal meth:

"It's the drug that's addicting," said Fergie, who has released her first solo album, "The Dutchess." "But it's why you start doing it in the first place that's interesting. A lot of it was being a child actor; I learned to suppress feelings."


Now I've been thinking about this for awhile.....all of 3 mins which is ALOT in my Adult ADD mind and I don't think Kids Incorporated counts as being a child actor. You are going to need to find something else to blame your love of CM on.

Please try again.

Lil' Kim to Perform at Hip-Hop Honors

This is a headline on AOL Celebrity News today. "So???".... you might be saying to yourself. "Who cares"....you might be thinking. Not going to be watching it so why the hell am I writing about it on this blog?

Only reason is because there was no picture attached to the article. That's almost unheard of on AOL. I can only assume they didnt have enough space to post a picture of BIG Kim.

One Short...Always One Short

So there I am this afternoon at the soup place. Waiter guy (I'm not even going to try and figure out his name......who cares and what's the point) points us to one of the 3 tables we sit at...."same?", we nod. Deal sealed, soup coming.


This time we notice a pattern that amazes us.....EVERY time we order we get 2 diet cokes and 2 glasses of water. He always brings them and drops of straws with the drinks. Nothing odd about that you'd think BUT he always pulls a handful of straws out of his waiter's apron (see pic) then he grabs four of them (2 for diet cokes, 2 for water), puts the rest of them in his apron, fumbles around with the four, drops one, gives us three and puts the 4th back in his apron. This has happened at least the last 8 weeks. Its amazing that it just keeps happening....what are the odds that he continues to drop 1 and then not realize he's only giving us 3?

And us.....we always end up 1 short.

Ohhh boy

God, I'm giddy today. Let me just tell all of you that there is no better day than opening Sunday of the NFL season. I'm already up in the year on my betting season so I haven't had to kick any small animals yet.

I might just keep you all posted as to my betting antics this year. Not sure its going to amuse anyone but I feel the need to write and remember, this isn't about you, it's therapy for me so I actually don't care if it bores you......I really don't. Maybe I'll establish a male reader base. If I get any comments I might even give you tips on what to bet on, then you can all win money with me. Do we like money readers (all 5 of you)???

Today I'm hoping for alot of points in the KC/Cincy game.

On the Next ET (9/8)......

......Is Nicole Richie anorexic?

SPOILER COMING......I mean it....I'm going to give a SPOILER so turn away if you don't want to see or know....OK......ready???? Has everyone (all 5 of you) turned who don't want to know the answer???...>Fine you had your chance......

YES....YES she is anorexic or something. Look at this waif. Do we really need ET to tell us that. I didn't even see the show and I know the answer. Why do we even keep discussing the issue. Hey world, Thin Nicky has a problem.....that's it....that's the story. In the previews there was a clip about how Lionel is concerned. Well that's great Lionel, now stop "dancing on the ceiling" and feed your kid so we can all stop hearing about it. Poor JLo ain't getting enough press these days. I guess her big ass is to fat to talk about.

God its Good Soup

I've been meaning to write about my favorite Vietnamese restaurant that I have lunch at about once a week.....I'm so hooked. Place looks like a complete dump of course and there is only one waiter who hardly knows any English. I have been going to this establishment for over a year now and the ONLY thing I have ever tried is the Chicken Pho soup. It's THE best chicken soup in the world. The chicken and the broth are absolutely unbelievable and when you get the exact right levels of additional spicy shit you put in, its magical....it did take me about 6 months to figure out that the mint that they give you actually tastes good in the soup....that shit aint just for show people....it's delish, throw it on in there. Anyway the soup is fantastic so I go every single week.

The point of the story is about the waiter. See I go to this place every week with my hot friend (some of you may know her as Fashion Kitty.....and she knows she's hot so I'm not revealing any big secret to her here). The kitty sticks out like a sore thumb, because she's hot and she has long funky dreads. So to say the very least my friend is memorable. Well Kitty and I were going to the place every week and the same waiter....the ONLY waiter..... would come to our table, have no apparent memory that we were there before and take our order. We could never get so much of a smile or grunt from him.....NOTHING. This went on for 8 months. We would laugh about it every time wondering if he'd seem to recognize us THIS time.....nothing for 8 months. We only eat the soup....kitty gets beef, I get chicken....EVERY time.

We gave up and then one day it happened: He walked up to us, we're both thinking (as we always do) "why is he bringing those damn menus"....so he walks up, looks at us, holds the menus out and says.....'you need or same'. OH MY GOD....he did it.....he remembered....only took 8 DAMN months but he remembered. We were shocked.....we said "same" so he went and got our soup, 2 diet cokes and 2 glasses of water.

Only one flaw.....when he delivered the soup he gave kitty the chicken and me the beef but only made that mistake once and now he is the man. For a while over the past 4 months of remembering us he'd hold out the menus and ask "same?" but now we walk in and don't even see a menu......"Same?" and he even smiles at us now. Its a beautiful thing.

By the way.....the waiter has this long ass hair growing out of the top of his cheek. Its like he's not shaving high enough up on his face and the hair is literally about 3 inches. It's very unsightly and I would simply stop going to most places because of it but I'm not giving up this soup.

Actually Kristin that is SOOOO Wrong

I don't watch Leguna Beach at all. I once saw the intro to the show and it's all I needed to see to realize the show is completely stupid and not in the way that I actually enjoy stupidity that is worth mocking..... it seems just purely stupid. I saw a bunch of rich kids who weren't attractive yet thought they were all talking about how they were messing around with each other and liked each other but one was with the other yet they liked the other and it was clearly bed time for me. That's simply not reality in any form.

Since I don't watch the show I have no real clue who Kristin Cavallari is but she must be dumb. I recently saw a quote in a magazine (using the word loosely) where she said of Thin Nicky "I think that if Nicole's happy with her body, that's all that matters". Where do I start with this quote??? Ummmm...Kristin, does it matter at all that crazy thin Nicky obviously has an eating disorder? Does that matter at all? She is literally killing herself and there are bones visible. Does that matter? How about the fact that Thin Nicky obviously ISN'T happy with her body or she'd stop starving herself? How about the fact that she has an obvious illness? Does that matter?

Another fine example of a dumb famous person who should just not open their mouth. And thanks to this quote now I almost have to watch Laguna Beach to see how dumb these people really are. I can only assume it's too rich to pass.

Why so Damn Happy???

We all know John Travolta and Tom Cruise are nuts. Much has been written how these A Listers have gone off the deep end and really out there. I don't want to belabor that point because its clear, obvious and a waste of all our time.

But I did stumble upon a picture of Tom today and made me ask: WHY is it that every picture I see of these buffoons do they always have these dumb shit ass grins on their faces??? EVERY single picture you see of them they are waaaaayyyy to happy. What kind of meds are they feeding in L. Ron's house? Where can I get some of these happy pill or are they herbs? What? I want some. Look at John....not only does he have that big ass grin on his face but he actually looks lost and confused all the time too. I'm betting he's as dumb as they come.

If you need any proof that John is crazy you need to buy or rent the Oprah 20th anniversary DVD box set. Watch the Birthday show....John hosts it and he's a lunatic. That big dumb ass grin all the time. I'm sure Tom's antics on the couch are in there as well, I just haven't seen them yet. Nutcases!!!!!!!!!!!!

Buffoon of the Day: Bitch with a Book

I'm not a good driver. In fact many people suggest I should never drive....drunk or sober..simply doesn't matter. I don't pay attention, I tend to look around, I drive fast, I tailgate....I have friends who take the keys from me even when I'm sober just because they don't want to be in the car with me when I"m driving. I'm just no good and I'm comfortable with that.

BUT, I don't READ while driving. This buffoon did. I'm talking full out reading. Book was open on the steering wheel, she was turning pages and occasionally would look up to see if she was in her lane or if there were traffic lights she should be concerned with. I'm not even kidding folks, she was staring down at the pages while driving. I looked over repeatedly to see how long it took her actually look up at the road. I don't mean she was reading while at a red light and I'm not saying she was reading a map or directions. She was reading a book.....a big, REAL book.

People talk about cell phones while driving, playing with the radio, or little things but READING? That's clearly over the line. Not only is it over the line for her but then you have people like me who are borderline unsafe on their own and now I have this buffoon to look at while I'm driving. So now you have TWO drivers side by side who simply aren't paying a damn bit of attention to the road. She's worried about the book and I'm worried about how crazy she must be.....or how good that book must be.

One final note: it's clearly no wonder that the panelling was torn off the right side of her car. That's what happens when you read and drive. She's better off doing shots and taking a jaunt in the country.

Screwed by the Bread

So I was at the grocery store the other day and the moment I had waited a full week for was upon me. I walked by the registers scouting out the lines and there he was….my boy George (Yes I really want to hurt you you goofy bastard…..Boy George reference, get it?). My lucky day. He was just finishing up with the person in his line so I was ready to pounce and quiz him…..on the VPs. I just had to see this buffoon make an attempt at the VPs or squirm in discomfort due to his inability to properly recall history (being the history buff he claims to be).

So I’m ready to pounce on George….he wouldn’t know what hit him (Prior Post for those of you who don’t know what I’m referring to). I can see the thoughts going through his head as I pounce “Who is this man, coming out of nowhere, trying to make me uncomfortable on a subject I clearly excel in….test me will you Mr. Buying-Some-Apples guy….why am I being tested like this???” (why the hell do I feel like I’m a serial killer in a James Patterson book???). So I’m ready, George is not ready, I go to turn….Wait, hold everything….I’ve forgotten the bread…Damn I need bread. How will I eat my toast if there is nothing to toast tomorrow? What will I dip in my over-easy eggs??? Ok, I’ll race to get bread, its right here, no problem. GODDAMN they don’t have the kind of bread I usually buy and now I have to make another decision but I don’t have time for decisions, someone is going to get in George’s line and then it’s going to be another week before I can pounce. Oh boy, oh boy, remain calm……Ok I’ll take this bread now hurry back and OF COURSE, someone in the line. Hmmmm…..yep, they have a lot of stuff. Dammit, I’m not waiting on that moron who appears to be buying groceries for a small village outer Mongolia.

Looks like George bought himself another week to study. That prick is going to pay for this, I might just ask about Secretaries of State too or names of each of the first ladies.
By the way, for anyone (all 5 of you) reading this, YES, my mind really does work this way. If I put half as much thought into my job I’d be f’ing CEO of this dump.

I guess those lips just wouldn't stop

That's right folks....the new season of Dancing with the Has-Beens has been casted. The only reason I know this is because my sportsbook (that's an online gambling site for those of you who don't know) has odds on who will win and I noticed while betting on some very manly football the other day. Anyway (yes I realize I use this ALOT so deal with it), I'll do a full writeup on each of the buffoons when I have the opportunity to research who these cast-aways actually are but I did have to comment on one has been.

I haven't spent more than 10 mins even thinking about who would be on the next season and the only reason I might have considered it for even 10 minutes is because the man Howard Stern's gf Beth was being lured and they had to f'ing discuss it for weeks so I was forced to consider the possibility of at least her being on the show. You don't know how happy I am she declined because I think she is painful to listen to, that horseface (sorry Howard, I love you man....in a none gay sort of way) simply isn't that hot (even airbrushed) but I guess her body is ok....airbrushed at least....I digress. So in listening over and over on Howard whether she should or shouldn't do the show who has to weigh in: OF COURSE Lisa Rinna. "Oh Beth, its the greatest thing I've ever done, Oh beth, you can't believe what it will do for you, Oh Beth you won't regret it for a second, Oh Beth, its a simply amazing adventure".....OH LISA, the greatest thing Beth has done is latch on to Howard, period the end. She has wealth and fame through association.....you needed to dance with has beens.

Well Lisa just couldn't let it go apparently because who IS on this season? WHO you are dying to know???? (maybe everyone already knows and I'm in the dark).....Harry....freaking Harry is going to be on. Lisa must have just gone on and on and badgered him until he gave in. Oh Harry, it will be the best thing ever.

Well Harry, not like you have anything else going on so Tango you're little heart out and do your best to keep Lisa in the spotlight. Anyone bet we see and hear more from Lisa than Harry?

Should have drowned your sorrows in celery

I caught the VMA's the other night...I'm not embarrassed to admit it. So here comes Jessie out on the stage in her little black dress. All I could do is shake my head. Has Jessie been drowning her sorrows because of the Nickster??? Too many trips to the freezer for ice cream??? No clue but she's definitely growing....not on me, I'm as sick of her as ever....she's just growing.

At the VMA's she was wearing a short black dress clearly trying to be slimming on top while putting all focus on the legs (clearly that sounds gay but whatever, I'm watching football and about to watch some porn....straight porn). Anyway, remind you of another pig I have grown tired of??? Can you say Mariah?? Mariah loves showing off her legs hoping nobody will notice the rest of that body drowing out of control (especially that damn fat fact....but I digress...this is about Jessie). On the Today show Friday morning Jessie pulled the same move. In fact she can always be seen in shorts or a short dress in attempt to draw eyes to her legs and away from that increasing gut and bust line. I commented while watching the VMAs "god her tits are getting huge and I don't mean in a good way....I'm talking old mom boobs".

Poor Jessie doesn't realize that getting old sucks. You aren't 22 anymore hon. That shit ain't just going to stay put and stay away and stay firm. It was pretty clear from her horrid MTV show that Jessie is a woman of leisure so I'm not sure I have much hope for her future. Her only asset was her body and now look at it. She's not making a living on that voice....maybe her and Mayer can get a new Newlywed series....perhaps thats actually what she's going for.

Anyway, I wonder who will be larger in 5 years: Jessie or Big Kim?

Even an Old Man Shouldn't

I'm watching a football game, prime time, ABC as we speak. Brent Musberger is a famous sportscaster...he's a true legend in sports broadcasting and I have the utmost respect for him. That does NOT excuse him, his wife, his PR rep, agent, manager, colleagues or ANYONE else who saw him get on national primetime TV wearing what he has on.

Mr. Musberger is about 65 I assume but even THIS doesn't excuse him for wearing a button down, short sleeve shirt with a tie. Short sleeve button down shirt with a tie? Am I wrong friends (all 5 of you who read this).....isn't this a complete trash outfit? Thats the type of outfit you see at a wedding reception in a firehall.

I assume Mr. Musberger can be see sporting shorts and a pair of black socks pulled up mid-calf getting his coffee at Starbucks in the mornings. Oh Brent why...why on national television?

(Not so) Lil Kim

I know this will disturb some who read this but prior to her prison days I was a fan of Lil Kim. Sure she's a skank in those hardly anything to it dresses she was always showing up in with breasts popping everywhere but that's pretty much what I was a fan of. I'm not conceding I was fantasizing about a fairytale life with her or wanting to introduce her to mom but I'd have introduced her to my bed. Remember, this blog is not for the faint of heart. I'm all guy here.

So imagine my disappointment when I'm watching the VMA's the other night and she comes out fully clothed. And why was she fully clothed???....because she had to cover up that larger version of herself. Look at that larger ass and belly. She never had that "Stuff" before.

Big Kim, one question: How the hell do you go to prison and gain weight. I figured you don't eat in prison because the food is shit. How do you gain weight. From a true would have loved one night with you male fan, I'm very disappointed.