Will And Jack

I watched VERY little of the Oscars. I haven't seen any of the movies (although I do want to see Departed because its supposed to be pretty good and I'm slightly interested in seeing Flags of our Fathers because I started watching a small piece of Iwo Jima on the History channel once but had to turn back to Ellen and Rachel to mock them)....anyway.....they are certainly boring and more importantly I had a dinner to go to or I would have watched for my own mocking good time.

I watched about 10 mins.....just enough to see the horrible skit with Will Farrell and Jack Black. Let me just say......we're over you.....done......I didn't even want to laugh. Usually in the past I would have thought "ha, I remember when Will used to do that and I thought it was funny.....20 times ago". I didn't even have that reaction. Now if the rest of the world can move on we can put you off to pasture and bring you back out in 10 years.....ala Eddie Murphy.

Chavon was On to something

Listened to Howard this morning. He was going on about some fantasy that Beth had of some chick and how he almost wants to encourage it because he wants to see Beth with a chick but is afraid she'll go lesbo on him. He was trying to figure out what the real motives for Beth's desires.

So he takes a few calls to get some of the regular callers thoughts. Chavon (had a sex change) calls in with her theory. She starts spouting off some nonsense that wasn't making much sense and then Howard says "Chavon....what are you talking about" and Chavon starts in with a theory of how Beth is androgynous (both male and female) and Howard jumped in "Chavon is making no sense...." and hung up.

Initially Chavon wasn't making sense so Howard was trying to stick in. As soon as Chavon started making sense Howard didn't like where it was going. Beth is Androgynous....she is manly with a horse face but Howard didn't want to go down that path on the radio because poor Beth's feelings were about to get hurt

Howard didn't want to go home to a whining bitch ...."howie, am i really manlike....do i really have manly features....waaaa...waaaaa..waaaaa". Don't insult me Howard.....I get EXACTLY why you hung up.

And Another Grand Day

We had a team meeting today with about 12 of the people on our team. A few things of interest came out. One of the people on the phone said ‘but we don’t really understand how that will work’. I looked across the table to one of the other team members and she just smirked and shrugged her shoulders as if to say….”yeah, it really is that bad”.

Dummy has been working on a strategy for 9 months and his own team doesn’t have a clue what they are doing. He started the meeting by telling each of the team members that he needed them to help him sell the program……..halfway in they are asking what exactly the program is….good question AFTER 9 months.

Then dummy goes on to talk about breaking the projects out into 2 phases because he doesn’t want to show the program as a $45million nut. Good idea dummy…..OHHHH, and how about the fact that phase 2 is based on a MAJOR assumption of an enterprise ERP system that NOBODY is even thinking about. For Dummy to start his phase 2 this company would have to have an enterprise ERP system in place and there isn’t a sole here responsible for even starting to think about that.

Dummy has given me an idea for a much needed website. I can’t get over trying to figure out who he looks like so I’m thinking of a website http://www.lookslike.com/. I’m envisioning a site where I can go in and say…..judge from nightcourt, gary busey, canker face, blonde hair, beatty eyes, sunken in side of face and out spits the guy I’m thinking of. One huge database every b-list actor imaginable with characteristics that can be used to pull out. See….Dummy looks like a cross between these two (guy in the right on the second pic):


I’m sitting in my meeting and noticing once again how horrible everyone’s clothing is. I’m sitting amongst lifelong cube-dwellers. They have all max’ed out on their success. One guy is over here all cheery all the time…..I call him Curious George cause he looks like a 47 year old happy go lucky monkey. Curious George is sitting next to Harley….he’s the rough, tough looking guy that looks like he just got off his bike. Curious George and Harley AREN’T hanging together. Curious George is probably going to bingo with his mommy at the firehall, Harley is slugging down Pabst Blue Ribbons at some house that looks like it should be condemned but is actually a bar.

The rest of the team is uneventful.

There is a woman in the office I’ll call Easy. I call her easy cause she dresses like a whore. She’s in her early 40s but clearly trying to hang on and thinks she’s 20. She is always in skin tight outfits…..well almost…..I saw her one day and she was wearing comfy clothes (khakis and a normal sweater)…figured she was out whoring around the prior night and just was hung over….next day…same thing and the next the same….3 days in a row. I came to the conclusion it must have been her Period week. No other explanation for it cause the following Monday, right back to the whore clothes. Last week she had on this SKIN TIGHT blue dress that she should not have been wearing…maybe 25 pounds ago but not now. I had to go over and get something off a printer by her desk and you could see waves of blue back flab coming from that dress. I thought I was in the damn ocean…..wanted to go surfing.

American Idol - Kicked Off

Guys - No news to report.....two worthless, dull guys gone....no surprise at all.

Girls - the best friend bitch is still there....she was no good...in fact she was horrible and possibly the worst but she skated by on looks. Two much less attractive, slightly better girls got the boot......once again proving the tough lesson that hot girls got a leg up in this world.....every one of you should marry rich and be done with it.

American Idol - The Girls are Winnin

Stephanie – I think I like her voice….I just don’t care about the song so it’s hard to really have an opinion. I think she’s NOT horrible and based on Hicks winning last year NOT horrible can win. Hit a big note at the end.

Amy – She sounded more like she was reading a story than singing a song. She’s reciting, pausing, reciting, pausing. She took a slow song to a halt…..fine job Amy…if that’s what you were going for.

Leslie – this bitch is crazy and CANT sing or dance. She’s almost crazy enough she should be on that INXS show. I can just tell…..she’s a nutcase underneath this “I want to be the american idol” exterior…..singing “You make me feel like a natural woman”……what Leslie….as opposed to the nutjob you are? She was bad. OK….Simon just noted she is a dogwalker for a living……see….crazy. Who does that for a living???? Crazies do. Very awkward chick.

Sabrina – I have a lot to say here. Sassy and sexy will carry a chick in this competition. Sabrina didn’t come out boring and dull with some ho-hum song…she came out singin with some soul and she is the best looking so far. That’s the good news for her…..now I’m not a nice person so here’s my other side: your nose is huge and a distraction and you have a wedding ring on I think. Its simply bad form. If you want to attract people you take that thing off and give guys a little fantasy. Act available…..its more likeable. Summary: ring off, nose job and you just could win.

Antonella – this is the best friend bitch. Waaa waaaa waaa….i’m with my best friend…waaaa waaaaa waaaaaa….we are hot friends….waaaa waaaaa waaa…..Princess bitch here. What she does have in looks she gives right back in bitch. AND she can’t sing. She was bad and she’ll be gone unless her looks carry her through. I think her dad is Stone Phillips…..sure looks like him.

Jordin – no opinion really…not great…pretty good.

Nicole – I didn’t like her…..not sure why but something wasn’t there. Not a huge opinion though.

Haley – boring

Melinda – AGGGHHHH……what a freaky look chick. How did her head get attached to those shoulders. She needs to wear clothes that demonstrate she has a neck. She is a really weird looking chick. She can sing but I just don’t think you can get by looking all weird like that. Its hard to explain but its odd. Her shoulders are at her ears.

Alaina - Now this is what I’m talking about……a bad rendition of a classic Pretenders song. At least it’s a bad cover of a band and song I can appreciate. I appreciate her for humoring me……not cause she was any good…..Kitty probably thinks this is ATROCIOUS cause she has no idea who the Pretenders are and it is really bad BUT at least I like the song.

LaKisha – ummmmmm…..wow……GIRL can SING. Based on 2 days she really should win but will America give it to a heavy girl??? She needs a fashion stylist to help her out….Kitty?? you busy? Her head is 2.5 times the size of Ryan’s....Kitty what can you do to slim down her head?

American Idol - The Guys are Snoozin

Rudy – wearing a shirt with a big target on the front. I want to shoot him. Free Ride was a bad song and he can’t dance. Should be shot. Nice try….won’t last.

Brandon – backup singer for some big time people. He wants to Rock with You but he didn’t quite get off to a kickin start. He bored me with the song but I think he has the look and star quality that can carry him a bit…..pick it up Brandon and OH MY…watch those high notes.

Sundance – John Popper meets Taylor Hicks…..can it work? Not after what I’m seeing…..not enough soul tonight my friend…….maybe you need the whacky dance moves and harmonica that Hicks had. Just standing there aint gonna cut it. BORING. Wait….wait a sec….what the hell is happening to the back of your head….did your gel your hair back to a fin like thing in the back? That was crazy weird.

Paul Kim – Paul is Asian….he has an asian accent and SINGS with an asian accent. WHAT???? How the hell did you make it through SINGING with an asian accent? What pop star OUT OF ASIA can anyone name that actually SINGS with an asian accent? To further the asian culture he went shoeless. I’m not disparaging Asians here……but that was weird. Randy liked it though.

Sidebar: Paula’s bangs are overcoming her face.

Chris – Timber-fuck wanna be with bad acne. Another strange dude…….he wears a suit and tries to move like Timber-fuck but he’s actually singing something a little rockin, not all faggy. Chris Daughtry meet J Timber-fuck. If I don’t look I actually like him…as soon as I look up and see the suit and moving I get violently upset. I know the song but can’t actually think what it is….something from Gavin someone.

Nick Pedro – snooze fest and bad

Blake – hmmmmmm…..ok….blake has the name and the voice to be part of a boy band….actually you’d assume he was one of the ex- New Kids, EnSync’ers, 98 degrees, etc. Has the look, the name, the voice. Somehow I actually almost liked him cause he was a little more folksy than faggy…..there’s a fine line people but it matters.

Sanjaya – sucked. Boring. He’s young and immature and it showed.

Chris – messy haired slob. He sings pretty good though. Maybe he’s John Popper meets too many Jalepeno Poppers. He sounded pretty good.

Jared – was ok in a boring song sort of way. I cant say anything else.

AJ – I have no opinion….certainly wouldn’t ever listen to him on the radio.

Phil – started off really slow….picked up toward the end and I actually liked him by the end of the song.

That’s all I got on the guys.

Anna Nicole's Judge

I really haven't been following much of this debacle mostly because I'm working again and I just don't have time. I also don't really care.....she's dead....blah blah blah....I want her body, no I want her body...it's my baby...no it's my baby.....who really cares.

1) the baby is doomed to be crazy, thats a given. Only thing that can save her now is if Bradgelina would adopt her
2) just put the body in the ground already

The amusing part is the judge carrying on and (as I understand) weeping during his hearings. This is easy to explain.....clearly he spent more than a little time during his life "enjoying" Anna Nicole during some precious alone time and he can't stand the thought of those memories past just gone. It's the only sane conclusion.

Real World Denver 2/21

This season is definitely and interesting one…much better than last but not nearly as good as the Wes and Melindanny season.
This season boasts 4 real characters and 3 duds.

Davis, Tyree and the Christian black guy (so uninteresting that once he got past that whole….”I don’t like gay people, its wrong, bible is against it…..oh, hey I live with one, he is nice and maybe I was wrong and this experience changed my life in the first week so now I got nothing to add” phase he’s really quite useless). Watching him sit there and vibrate in that massage chair doesn’t really rank on the excito-meter.

Davis is just hanging out with the bf. Ummmm, hey bf….all other mates come and GO. Operative word here is GO. When you are invited to visit its really just to put Davis in the spotlight for an episode so MTV can get their jollies in showing how progressive they are by showing two gay dudes make out and show that a gay guy is a person too with real feelings and a gay guy faces such struggles…..their own mothers don’t even accept them sometimes…….MTV….WE GET IT and we know you will replay the theme next season.

Tyree has just sort of vanished but I had hopes for him

The real characters are priceless though.

Brooke is a certified lunatic. Really….i think she has admitted it but she is NUTS. My real question is “where was that sprained ankle in last night’s episode while she was running down the alley in a fit of rage”? Brooke, NOBODY likes you. I have never seen an episode of real world where someone freaked out and someone else didn’t go try and console them. Brooke flipped out, sat in crying on a street/alley in hysterics and her roommates went to lunch. They WENT TO LUNCH. That’s how they feel about Brooke.

Collie…..here’s a clue for you…..Ummm Alex’s friend was only telling you all those things about Alex not liking you because you were drunk and he figured he’d get into your pants. This is what guys do……we bad mouth each other to try and get a vulnerable drunk girls mind off one guy and onto our own crotch. Oldest trick in the book….too bad for visitor friend she just ran off to Alex. The visitor friend seemed to play the part of “wishing I never visited” 3rd wheel. He sat on the couch while Collie grinded on Alex and then he sat completely bored at the bar while drunk Alex made out with Jen.

Alex is a guy…..the dude was a swimmer at ASU and isn’t that bad looking. SOOOO…he’s a swimmer…means he has a good body….might mean he has good physical stamina….might mean he’s good in the sack. Combine this with the fact that he’s early 20s and what do you have???? You have a guy who wants laid. Collie…..read that again….He wants LAID….not love. Get over it.

Meanwhile, Jen and Alex are perfect little fuck-mates. Jen seems like a decently cool party chick that gets drunk and needs a little dick every now and then. Alex just wants laid and neither has any real attachment. Combine with the fact that Jen is a Raiderette and Alex was a swimmer with a good body and you have a perfect pair but it sure is good we have Collie to add the fireworks into the mix cause its gonna get ugly.

Hump Day??? Not for Me

Altoid said good morning to me with no prompting but when I said ‘how’s it going’ back to him he didn’t so much as give me that grunt. Why even say good morning if you don’t want to create a dialogue.

Anyway, today is a great day for me. Over my big presentation and the Accenture Match Play (golf) is getting started today so I really plan on just watching golf today not much else other than listening to Dummy spew out things we should do next. I'm gonna just sit here and watch my simulcast of the golf tournament. Guy behind me thinks its ok.

Someone brought in 3 loaves of bread. Random loaves of bread sitting on the filing cabinet at the end of the aisle with a little plastic knife. What kind of moron is actually going to dig into that bread. Its not special delicious bread…..just bread from what I can tell.

The kitchenette has one of those quarter candy vending things. You put a quarter in and can get some M&M’s, Peanuts, Reeses Pieces…..etc….well they also have Mike & Ike’s which I am a BIG fan of. I get a quarter’s worth every day when I need a boost. The thing says all the money goes to charity but based on what I can tell its all one big scam. The machine clearly states on every item where you put the quarter “Turn Slow for Maximum Vend”. I trusted them all this time figuring it was a charity thing…..I stand there turning that thing as slow as possible…..you could milk a cow, churn the shit and have yourself a slab of butter on some bread you baked fresh during the time I’m standing there turning that thing…I want every last Mike & Ike I got coming to me. Well I just had a thought….and as luck would have it 2 Quarters…..WHAT IF that turn slow thing was all a bunch of bullshit? So I tested it. Wouldn’t you know….I got 17 turning slow and 20 turning fast. Pretty damn pissed about the false advertising but pretty glad I found out sooner rather than later.

I went to lunch with a buddy of mine that works here. He’s an IT director and drives a sweet Lexus……he carries some “key” type thing with a chip that the car recognizes when he gets close and unlocks….then he just presses a button to start the car……no real key…..how beautiful is that? I might have to reconsider my vehicle of choice. If this IT Director can have that car than damn if I can’t. Who doesn’t want a car with no key??? WHO I ask?

It’s 5PM….wrapped up at 5 on the dot…I haven’t noticed this to be a trend but I’ll be watching from now on. Other interesting point is that the bread is all gone. I didn’t see anyone actually take any but it’s all gone. Go figure. I’m going to have to thing of something really random and nasty to put out and see if people will eat it just cause its there. I’ll come in early some day so nobody sees its me. Maybe I should start at something like Fruit Cake and progressively get more disgusting until I find the bar of what people will eat as long as its free. Start with some nasty dry cookies…then fruit cake, then I’ll have some veges with dip, then I’ll have like Brussels Sprouts, then I’ll find some deer poop and see if people mistake it for some form of candy……I’m giggling at the thought of a plate of deer poop sitting on the aisle and people checking it out wondering if they should eat it…..”hmmmm….almost looks like a malted milk ball….hmmmm……well if I see anyone else trying one then I will”.

Big Presentation Day

Altoid turned his light on today and that reminded me that I had a light so I went to turn it on and said “I always forget I have that until I see you put yours on”…..he just looked at me…..he didn’t say a word but his face said it all “hmmm, good for you”….thats exactly what he was thinking. Just when I think I’m making progress we take 2 steps back in our relationship.

Meanwhile, Indian guy behind me sees nothing wrong with the fact that I spend hours a day watching my fantasy golf players on the pgatour website simulcast. He thinks its perfectly fine as long as I’m getting my stuff done…….Ummm…hey dude….if I’m sitting here ALL DAY with this little APP up that has guys hitting golf balls around….I’m NOT getting any work done…..that would be impossible. SO is it STILL ok?

Dummy acts like a kid. Its hysterical. We are putting this deck together and he wanted me to make a change…here is the dialogue:

Me: no, we can’t do that, D and S already saw that other number, I’m not changing it now because Sh is a dumb and about to get fired…..its not about his feelings its about the fact that your boss already saw a number and it needs to stay the same
Dummy: fine, well I’m taking out this bullet you made on slide 26 because I don’t know that I agree with it
Me: that slide is buried in the appendix and nobody is going to read that bullet…..oh, I meant to say initiative not phase anyway
Dummy: well I agree with it if it reads initiative but I’m taking it out anyway

Ok 3 year old. You go right ahead.

He was creating to-do’s for himself again. He does it in the 3rd person…he’ll get his paper and he’ll write DDD (initials) to review words. Hey Dummy, I’m not looking at that damn to-do list and neither is anyone else so when you right a to-do for yourself I think its clear that you are the one to do it.

We have a steering committee meeting with 15 people today. I can’t WAIT to see how it goes. I predict I’m laughing through the entire thing. Actually going to be hard not to.

Alright Alright I have to take back 2% of my insults toward Dummy. He did an admirable job in the meeting. It was conducted very professionally and he didn’t mess up or make me laugh once. I almost was stunned that this buffoon who cowers in the presence of his one boss performed as well as he did in front of 15 people. He has this weird mix of superiority, yet insecurity. Superior Dummy showed up for the meeting.

I was once again the youngest guy in the meeting. I’m no spring chicken but around this place I feel 12. I feel like I have to ask for permission to use the poddy.

There were two people in the room opposed to our project because it would put them on the hook for increasing sales. We had this one old lady who LOVED our project….she couldn’t get enough and kept trying to push it to the other guys who were putting us down. Turns out she’s in marketing. Marketing is on the hook for NOTHING so you tell them Customer this, customer that, customer experience, satisfaction, metrics, know your customer and they just salivate. At one point I couldn’t tell if she was really that enthralled or if I should call 911 because she was having an epileptic fit.

Speaking of fits, one guy kept nodding his head at a bunch of things even though I was pretty sure he didn’t agree with it. He’s a bit older as well and I’m wondering if he has Parkinson’s or he was just grin fucking us.

The one weird thing he does is when someone asks him a question he strains his face as if he’s thinking hard yet he’s not thinking hard about an answer cause he already knows what he is going to say…..he actually gets this silly, strained face and looks out into space…..what he’s really thinking is “I can’t believe you just asked that”…..meanwhile the question is very logical 95% of the time.

Monday Monday.....so good to me....

Came in and said hi to Altoid…not so much as a grunt.

I think my boss has IBS….thats irritable bowel syndrome. I see him in the shitter A LOT. Perhaps the burritos and fried fish with onion rings at lunch should be avoided.

Boss was supposed to work this weekend. I was going to come in to help. He called me Saturday and told me not to worry, that I should take Sunday off. He was going to work and get the deck in shape. HE DIDN’T. He is in MAJOR panic mode today. Met with the boss’s boss and it didn’t go great. Again the material was all there but my boss simply can’t function in front of his boss. He acts somewhere between a 5 year old and a very junior professional….

Bosses Boss:”well, maybe we should look at it this way”
Boss: “na-uh…….I don’t think so”
Bosses Boss: “but I think the audience…..”
Boss: “na-uh…..they won’t you know”

It’s really amusing.

Found out his last two employees asked to be reassigned and another who isn’t his employee but is supporting from a finance perspective said she wants off as well. So this means I’m going to start going around him or through him. He will listen……he will have to or I’ll just take his job.

My boss….we are now going to just call him Dummy….cause that’s what he is…..Dummy LOVES putting together to-do lists. 9 times out of 10 when I walk into his office he’s putting together a to-do list. I could be in his office once and then 5 minutes later and he has a new to-do list going. He’ll put things down and then cross them off as he’s writing up the remainder of the list. I don’t mind the process all that much other than when we are working until 10PM doing a dumb presentation and he’s wasting time creating to-do lists for himself.

Bald Brit

OK certainly I have to comment. My fans…..the three of you would be quite upset if I didn’t. What can be said that hasn’t been said…I really don’t know cause I haven’t read anything that has been said.

First of all she is nuts….that is clear and has been said. Is this a post partum thing? Is she clinically depressed from having a kid? Certainly this isn’t a result of that trash ex-hubby of hers leaving cause that would be cause to rejoice. I have a thought….maybe she is just lashing out as the trash she really is. Shave my head and get a random tat to show em.
I had a roommate in college who was a big loser. My other roommates and I only took him in out of pity and because he was fun to mock. He was a big enough loser that he got himself kicked out for academic reasons the final semester senior year. He just had to get up and go to class a few more times and he would have made it. This is the same guy who’s dad was some construction dude, had multiple heartattacks but slaved away anyway just so his son Jackie (jack was the name) could graduate from this great college of ours. Way to repay the near dead dad Jackie…..fail out last minute.

I tell you all this cause Jackie was more or less trashy….he had this old construction green van that we’d go sit in the parking lot in and smoke weed. This was the type of van you would tell your children to stay away from….the type of van IF a woman was to see on the side of the road should avoid because odds are some guy was about to throw you into the back of it and next think you know he’s ‘putting lotion in the basket’. The other point on my buddy Jackie was that he shaved his head once. We were all out one night, Jackie was in one of his depressed moods because he was a self loathing, loser so he decided to leave early. When we got home there he was in the middle of the room with a pile of hair, pair of clippers and patches of his head scalped bald.

So what is wrong with Britney you might wonder??? She is self-loathing trash is my guess. Bet she has a green van as well.

My Dwelling

I’ve been here a week so its time to describe the hodge podge of characters in my surroundings……and it IS a hodge podge. No two people in my immediate dwelling space are alike. In the past I sat in a row of cubes consisting of 4 dudes, all the same age, same demographic, all liked sports and talking about chicks. The only one different was a woman around 45ish (she might kill me if she saw that because she might only be 40 for all I know…..point is she’s older than me)….anyway, she was very cool and we chatted all the time. She didn’t have kids so she wasn’t a typical middle aged woman who just rambled about her kids……she ‘got’ the buffoons around us so we mocked them appropriately.

Well this place is completely oppo (that’s opposite in street lingo people). Every person is completely unlike the other. In fact every person is a random person that works in a different group….most are team members in groups of 3 people total with the others sitting in various other spots. There are 6 total people and one woman who comes in from Houston once a month.

So we have:

Altoid in front of me. He comes in every morning, organizes his stuff to get ready to work, sits down, puts his glasses on and starts working. Don’t discount the putting on of the glasses. This is the sign…….friends, its GO time….. Gonna get down to some BIZ-ness. Found out he’s from Jersey. This might explain his behavior. Typical New Yorker who isn’t about pleasantries…..just here to do the job man.

Across from me we have Posh…I call him this cause he’s youngish (like 27) and tries to be stylish and cool but isn’t doing a very good job at it. Then when he opens his mouth its clear he ain’t the brightest bulb in the bunch. Seems cool enough and doesn’t talk to anyone else in the aisle cause he’s too cool for them…..so he thinks.

Behind me we have Indian guy. He talks very little. Tried to engage him yesterday but didn’t get much. He’s not unfriendly, he’s just not talkative. I’ve never seen him talk to anyone else in the aisle. He’s a finance guy of some sort and unlike everyone else around here he seems to stroll in around 9:30 AM. He’s the one guy on his own schedule.

Behind him there is the woman from Houston. Well past her days but trying to hang on. I can see this one flying into town and throwing a few back at the TGI Friday’s trying to pick up some young buck on her business trip. Given all this of course she is friendly and about the only person who has talked to me in the aisle on a consistent basis during my first week……lonely old ladies will do that with handsome younger men (like myself). No, there will be no buffoonery stories of us together so let’s not worry about that readers.

Behind her there is a guy who is very busy cause I know his project. He also doesn’t talk to anyone in the aisle (including me). He’s 3 seats back so he can play it off as proximity as to why he doesn’t acknowledge me. Doesn’t matter…I think he might be gay…not that that bothers me…I’m just saying.

Across from him there is an admin. I have no reason to talk to her and she has no reason to talk to me so we don’t talk. Seems to be your normal, 20 something admin. Only thing I know about her is she has some big 4 day weekend trip planned and she’s “going regardless of who is how sick or what the weather is like”. Don’t think she gets out of the city much that one…..pretty excited.

So those are the immediate people in my neighborhood. Not one of them talks to anyone else other than the old lady looking for friends. She talks to everyone. One time Altoid talked to the admin and the admin gets lots of visitors (other admins) but that’s it.

TGIF Part 2

It’s Friday and for the most part that’s a good thing but I’m getting accustomed to making fun of my comrades and actually starting to enjoy the amusement. The downside of this is that I might need to stay in my cube the rest of my life so I can soak it all in.

Being that it’s Friday that means it’s Bagel Day…..wooo hooooo….Free Bagels for everyone…….huh? what? Not so fast there bucko…..these bagels ARE NOT free. Oh no…….there is a process. I don’t eat carbs really…I limit them (and thereby limiting my carbs has resulted in losing about 15 pounds I gained at my last place of employment while enjoying frivolous good times and an expense account)….Anyway, last week I was tempted to take a bagel but a) I don’t really eat mass carbs of that dose and b) I was suspicious that “free bagel day” had one box that didn’t seem big enough to feed the masses and it was put in this cube in “random aisle” where I sit rather than the kitchen.

Well good thing I didn’t give in to temptation. Turns out the bagels are purchased by “the bagel group”. You have to contribute some amount per month I guess to get into the group and then each person takes their turn and picks up the bagels one week according to their rotation….HMMMMM……you are wondering what I think about this I’m assuming???

Here’s some general thoughts:
Its freaking gay. Cmon….we are all adults here….when you want a bagel stop and get yourself a damn bagel. Panera is right up the street and you’ll do yourself the additional favor of delaying your inevitable appearance at work. Get your bagel when you so desire….don’t be constrained by “only a bagel on Friday”.
Are you getting volume discount but purchasing in mass?? Is this about saving $.35 per bagel purchase? Well actually you are aren’t you? You are buying 2 dozen bagels at $6.00 per dozen rather than spending the $.75 for one bagel. Ohhh, and theres the discount on the larger tub of cream cheese rather than spending the extra $.25 for your individual dab on your $.75 bagel. Here’s a suggestion: Sweep out your fucking cars, dig into those cushions at home, search the streets, empty the kids piggy banks, start saving your change….tons of ways to find $.35 per week.
What if you don’t show up on Friday? That eats right into the cost saving because that bagel will have been purchased. You have to stay in the group an additional 6 months to make up for that donation for a bagel you didn’t eat. Can you call someone in the group and have them try and sell your bagel? Do they mail it to your house? Will they save it for Monday?
There is no bagel slicer for the bagel group. They all come over and struggle cutting with a cheap plastic knife. I keep waiting for the knife to snap in half, fly into someone’s eye and blind them. I guess the group doesn’t have the capital funds for a slicer…..not even a nice knife.

It’s 3:30 and everyone from the Aisle is gone. Checked on the bagels and there are two left……wasted group funds and the cream cheese has been sitting out all day….more wasted funds……its pitiful how they waste.

I think there might be a peanut group too. There is a GIANT can of cocktail peanuts sitting at the end of one of the aisles. WHO the hell brought that in and who THE HELL is about to reach into that giant can of peanuts??? That can is so big and the peanuts are reaching near the bottom….this means one thing…..LOTS of hands have been in that can.

Another meeting with my boss and his boss this afternoon. I love watching my boss act as if he has 20 years less experience than he does. Seriously, he would be a great manager at a consulting firm with all the detail work he does but he really cowers when he is in the presence of his boss…..just like a 28 year old consultant would do in front of an SVP.

Sure enough…just got out of the meeting and my boss was fumbling around like an UN-seasoned professional. He has the answers, knows the information but just can’t get it out. This dude needs to sell a $60 program to a bunch of Business Unit leads…..it simply AINT gonna happen. He has an MBA from a major business school out west yet he fumbles around like a moron. Its great. Sooner or later I’m gonna have to take over.

Related Gay Topic

In a non-celebrity yet common societal issue, Tim Hardaway, basketball player for the Miami Heat was recently asked how he felt about homosexual athletes. Mr. Tim’s response was that he hated gays and would never welcome one on his team. He then went on to say how wrong it was and reiterated his hatred for gays.

Think what you want on the topic of gays themselves, the disturbing part of the story was how Timmy came out afterwards and said how he regretted saying what he said and he didn’t mean it. CMON Timmy…..of course you mean it. Don’t try to back off…..you can’t say you didn’t mean that you hated them. Why not just admit you don’t agree with it and don’t want it around and then throw out the perfunctory “but he’s free to live his life as he chooses”. You meant it. It’s clear you meant it.

Real World Denver

I really don’t care whether you are gay or not Davis…gay not gay. BUT I don’t want to see all the making out on TV…CMON MTV…do we have to see THAT MUCH gay dudes making out? There was more making out of the gay guys last night then heterosexual couples all year. We get it we get it....you are MTV, you a changing the views of the world by making it mainstream.....OK enough.

Tyree- Situps….Situps pal.

Brooke – Do you do ANYTHING other than lay around outside getting tan?

Alex – I’m looking forward to you sleeping with Jen again. Its about time. She’s obviously easy and there is no reason you aren’t tapping that again.

Brooke – I can’t wait to see you flip out next week. You are quite a whack job. You really look insane in the upcoming episode. I hope you don’t hit anyone and get kicked off because we need your insanity.

Cast- are you going back to work climbing rock and shit or is that it for the season? You guys do less than the season with Danny, Melinda and everyone’s favorite nut Wes.

It’s not the best season (that goes to the aforementioned Melindanny and Wes) but it sure has its moments.

Another Grand Day

Yesterday was a snow day. You’d think that would make a guy happy but I get paid by the day as a consultant so not actually happy. See when you tell your boss you are going to work from home and you charge by the day…..a day’s work better look good. At work I can sit here all day and fake it by pretending I had distractions. If I’m distracted at home that I’m doing my own shit and I’m not working.

This has been a good morning. For the past 3 weeks my keyboard has been hindered by a space bar that was not functioning on the right half. My right thumb had to stretch to the left side of the space bar to get the ‘space’ in. Today I took off the space bar and fixed the problem. No more spelling errors as a result of running words together….this is HUGE.

I said good morning to some guy that sits by me and Altoid thought I was talking to him so gave me a less than enthusiastic “good morning”…..just when I thought we were making progress.

I’m pretty busy at work these days so really just sort of crunching heads down on a presentation but certainly there are a few moments here and there of amusement.

Turns out the ugly girl I can see through my cube is the sister-in-law of a buddy of mine. I’m not going to tell her I know her though. Then I’d have to make small talk all the time. I’m thinking I can go years if need be without recognizing her as someone I know. I thought she looked familiar but didn’t think it was because I have actually met her before.

My boss asked me if I wanted to grab lunch. I said sure seeing as I only have one friend in this place and he is usually too busy for lunch. He’s one of those technology guys that actually does 75% of the back end work of the business while the rest of us sit around to get in his personal queue of priority. The other 125 IT people apparently don’t know anything.

Anyway, I was having lunch and this was the second time I noticed his disturbing eating habits. He cuts his foot, then his hands shake crazily while trying to get the food on his fork and continue shaking until he gets the food in his mouth. Once the food is in his mouth it’s as if nothing ever happened and he just goes about chomping away all steady handed. WEIRD and I’m NOT exaggerating this.

Did I mention how happy I am that my space bar is fixed? WOW…night and day people. If I wasn’t so afraid of completely breaking it to the point of not being able to use it at all I would have done it a long time ago.

So I had my first big meeting today with various people on our big program. I was by far the youngest in the room…..all the rest of the business initiative leads were around 45. There is a culture in this company of keeping people and pushing them into a corner when they become useless…..everyone else just says “yeah, how about John…whats that poor bastard working on”? I’m pretty sure the room was full of those people.

There were 8 people in the room counting me. There were 2 sweaters from the 70s, 1 sweatshirt from the 80s, 1 guy looked like he just changed out of his Hells Angels leather and then my boss in a sportscoat. The Hells Angel had a pretty decent sized gut and I could actually see the markings in his belt where he was one time 2 belt holes smaller. I’m thinking there are at least 3 pickup drivers here, probably 2 Accords and one IT guy who drives might drive a Mustang (he actually was in his 20s probably). Of the 8 I’m betting 3 definite smokers…good chance 4. I’m sitting there with my nice Mont Blanc pen taking notes and there were 2 bics, 1 papermate, a Roller Ball pen and a standard #2 pencil being used by my brethren.

All the while I’m listening to my strategic minded, MBA educated boss discussing his theories with a bunch of mid-40s, stuck at their ceiling in their professional life, Community College graduates. Add in a little fart by the guy next to me and the meeting was a hoot.

Week 2....What am I gonna do???

Yesterday was fairly non-eventful other than being freaked out by the weird tongue mannerism my boss has. It’s Jordan-esque in a disturbing, child predator sort of way. His eyes get big, the tongue comes out in a disturbing pointy fashion when he gets excited as if he’s on to something……”ummm, listen, you aren’t on to anything”.

I talked to Altoid yesterday. He had an application for football tickets on his desk and I couldn’t help myself. He was friendly, chatted up a bit about football and that was it for the day from him.

We have a lot of snow today. Most people used this as an excuse not to come in but I made the trek. I spend about 4 hours a day making up nicknames for professional golfers. I’m in a fantasy golf league because I need something to occupy my time with at work and its more fun calling people by nicknames than real names. Its juvenile but its what I do…….for instance one guys name is Jeff Quinney….we named him Pooh….Quinney the Pooh. Another guy is Chris Dimarco….we named him D’Polo and now every time an announcer says Dimarco, I can yell D’Polo and take a drink of beer……OK, I realize this doesn’t sound as fun when you’re reading it but trust me, I sit and giggle all day long at my desk making this shit up and thinking about how I can use it.

Had a meeting today, walked in and here comes this guy…..what? Did you say your name is Rob……don’t you know me? Is that you??? See in college there was this guy named Rob O…..he was a freshmen roommate of two of my best friends. He was the most disgusting guy I have ever laid eyes on. He had zits on top of zits on top of craters already cooked into his skin. He was an ROTC guy so in addition to the worst complexion I’ve ever seen he also had a shaved head with acne there. Rob was a nice guy but he was pretty dumb, had these weird mannerisms and way of speaking……add in the fact you couldn’t sit with him at the dining hall because it was basically impossible to look at while digesting and the annoying ROTC “hoo-rah” yells all the time for NOOOO reason and Rob was just a guy you didn’t want to be around…….nice guy….just no reason to be near him. So here I am in this meeting and a guy named Rob with all the same mannerisms, same voice, same stupid way of interjecting poor login in conversations………same horrible complexion minus the zits on top of zits (which would be expected of a mid 30s guy)…….SOOO surreal that it was Rob O without being Rob O.

Dumb boss….I need a nickname but I’m stuck on who he looks like and don’t want to commit yet. If he doesn’t stop that tongue thing he will simply be the Tongue. Anyway, we are in the middle of ice storms and biggest snow of the year…supposed to continue through the night. We were supposed to have a meeting at 3 but everyone was leaving early so the people we were meeting with requested we reschedule. Reasonable request. What does dumbass do??? Reschedules for 8:30 in the morning. Hey dummy….there is a good chance the weather is going to SUCK tomorrow….why not schedule for 10ish…make sure they get in. We’ll meet Thursday I’m assuming.

Day 5 - TGIF

First of all….I’m hung over. After 4 days of this nonsense I needed to drink and drink I did. For the first 4 days I thought coming in smelling like booze and not being able to function was improper. After 4 days I’m starting to think an altered state of mind is going to be the only way to deal with this.

I wore this light green shirt today. When I took off my new black coat I noticed my light green shirt was full of little black fuzzies. I have that going for me. All day long I’m gonna be checking out the fuzzies on my shirt. GREAT.

Altoids drives a truck. Not a cool one either….the kind a dumb meathead would drive. It continues to amaze me the lengths he will go to in order to avoid eye contact with me.

There’s bagels in the cube right across from me and down one. People keep marching through to claim their prize. “Bagel day, bagel day……gotta get my bagel”. I guess that explains why fat guy just got coffee downstairs.

It’s 8:45…..I’m thinking of just grabbing an altoid and seeing what Altoids does. Seeing if he has a bad reaction.

HOLY SHIT…..this project I am working on is forecasted to be about $40million dollars. Sounds like a big deal maybe but considering this company is a $5Billion dollar company its not actually a huge number. In order to get approval for the $40 million there needs to be an Appropriations Request that is 15 pages long and slices the numbers into every possible way to evaluate a project (NPV, IRR, ROI, Payback period, how much capital outlay, blah blah blah)……NOT one method, EVERY method. GODDAMN, it’s something you need to do to get out of the stone ages…..just do it. $40 Million over 3 years to a $5 billion dollar company is nothing……I don’t fill out a 15 page document to decide if I should buy a pack of gum when my breath seems rank…..I buy the FUCKING gum. Buy the FUCKING gum you morons…..HOLY SHIT…..It’s 9:30 and I’m all worked up.

It’s 9:40 and the soda machine is all sold out of diet sodas. Now I’m VERY worked up.

I have a standing meeting at 10AM with my boss. This means every day at 10AM I have to appear that I’ve done something in the past 24 hours or since the last time I talked to him. I last talked to him at 5:30 last night……..let’s just say that between 5:30 last night and 10AM this hungover, punch drunk morning there hasn’t been A LOT going on (I’m starting to think that if I do this for 3 years I AM going to have a book….the worst thing that could happen to my potential book deal is that I get an office…..I wouldn’t be able to sit amongst the characters that way).

I was walking into the bathroom and as I was opening the door someone was coming out and I basically did a chest bump with them…..it was Altoid. I basically ran into him and STILL didn’t get anything.

Fat guy sits in an aisle of cubes with mostly ladies who are pretty smallish/normal. EVERY time I walk by and see him sitting in his cube I chuckle at the sight of this big monster lumbering in his cube. All you see is these heads of the women in the aisle and then this big ape stuffed in this cage and just flowing out all over the place. Its great…..I’m chuckling just thinking of it.

Just walked by again and chuckled.

I just got my daily salad downstairs. First of all their salad bar is great….I got that going for me. They have big green olives, black olives, red onion, jalepenos, banana peppers and a really good vinaigrette dressing. Anyway, I’m getting my salad and this goofy asian dude (smiley) comes up to me, points at this random salad and asks me if I know the name of it. I call him smiley because he sits near me and he’s always walking by me smiling (I guess it makes up for Altoid’s attitude). So he asks me and then this other girl about the salad (one of those premade salads like cole slaw or potato salad in the salad bar). I told him I didn’t then smiley goes and tracks down the manager, asks them and they refer him to the “chef” so he asks her. She says “you want to know whats in the salad”. Smiley didn’t say anything……just get the goddamn recipe smiley….thats what you want. Of course I’m all intrigued by this so I have to get some of that salad….smiley is getting a small container of it to go after he already had eaten lunch….and you know what???? It was damn good salad.

My boss and I have a 2 hour meeting with his boss. His boss is an SVP and very busy. We are painfully unprepared for a 2 hour meeting with an extremely busy SVP. Lucky for me I am only one week in and can plead ignorance. I am not going to look bad here at all. My boss might look like a dope.

I’m in a fantasy golf league. I spend most of my day watching my player on PGA Tourcast which a webcast of the tour. You can watch every player and every one of their shots…….so I do. The guy behind me must already be wondering what the hell I’m am SUPPOSED to be doing.

Funny watching a grown man cower in the presence of another grown man. My boss just did that with his boss. Adding to the amusement I realized that my boss was wearing a sportscoat and tie today because he had a hour meeting with his boss. He claimed he had a laundry issue and only had a plain white shirt on but that was too boring. Oh yeah….too boring in this boring clad environment….doesn’t exist. So we walk into the boss’s office…..what did he have on???? Plain white shirt. Buffoon.

$1000

I'm walking around with $1000 cash in my pocket. Seriously. I just started thinking how some people dream of a $1000 emergency fund.....again I have no idea what kind of emergency can be diffused by $1000....perhaps if the Burger King runs out of whoppers you can hop a bus to the neighboring town to stock on there???

Anyway....some people dream of $1000 and others pick a number out of a hat....6.....watch the Super Bowl....have the total of the final score end in 6 and go pick up their $1000.

Some people put that money as their emergency fund and I'm likely to waste mine away on booze, maybe some drugs and possibly a nice new leather briefcase......OR just save it to put toward my new car (I'm thinking BMW but not sure yet.....if I have to drive to this god foresaken place every day and sit in the parking lot in the morning for my last few minutes of peace and joy listening to howard stern then I want those moments to be comfortable....ultra comfortable).

Again....anyway....some people dream of $800 in their emergency fund from a tax return($1000 minus the luxury $200 to squander) others (me) pay $800 to have their taxes done.

Sad.......it's sad actually.

OK.... I'm over that. Back to my punch drunk hangover buzz and another cup of coffee.

Poor Guy...I think he did it

I stumbled upon this blog one day. I was compelled by the true lack of logic or possible understanding of anything written. I go back every now and then just to see if I can make any sense of this individual but certainly I can't.

His last entry was this:

"I damm pissed off tonight! 12th of January 2007 at 12.54am.. I found out something and it really hurt me. What a day I'll say... just came back from India on 11th of January and till now without any sleep for almost 40 hours...Gosh! I feel like I'm being treated as some sort of dirt. Whatever the result and whatever the conclusion, I'm lifeless...".

That was on 1/12 and nothing since. I think this guy off and killed himself. I keep going back just to see if I can figure out what happened to upset him but now I think he's dead and I'll never know. Give the blog a quick read through.....the lack of logic really pulls you in.

Oh the tragedy!!!! Of course I don't really care if he's dead.....I just want to know what upset him so (note the catchy ryhme).

$1000 for What

What crisis or emergency does our friend Nichols think she can buy her way out of with $1000? And how is she going to get to greece before she is in adult diapers saving $2 a month into her vacation fund.

Her and hubby are bigtime giving themselves each $100 to do whatever they want with. WOOOOO HOOO......I'd spend $50 on weed, $30 on a bottle of vodka,buy myself a pizza and have a good ole time living it up.

Something tells me she's gonna head on over to Kmart and get some of them fancy Martha Stewart placemats she's been eyeing up so she can stare down and something REAL purrty while she's eating that evening bowl of ice cream.

Does she think eating a JR bacon cheeseburger makes it alright? Even if she does even she can't think that eating that, chicken nuggets, waffle fries AND chicken strips BEFORE the cheesecake late night snack is ok.

You know what I had as a late night snack last night???? I had one fucking pickle slice. ONE....ONE pickle slice and it WAS NOT on a piece of goddamn cheesecake.

I think I get so upset because people can be so damn stupid to write this shit about themselves. As if i dont have enough humor in my life....you have to go and publish stupidity for me to access?

Ok....I gotta go.....must go drink beer.

Day 4 on the job

There is a little crack that runs between my cube and guy in front of me…..now known as Altoid because that’s the only contact I have with him...the Altoids that sit between us. It was either Altoid or Bald Spot because I also clearly get to see his bald spot….barely see the rest of his face as he spends his time trying to avoid eye contact with him.

Anyway, there is a crack between our cubes where I can see the girl who sits diagonal from me in the next aisle……she isn’t pleasant to look at and every time I happen to look up and catch a glimpse I just see this big mouth with these big choppers going. No idea what she does but her is basically smack dab in my line of sight when I look up and more often than not I get this unpleasant startled look on my face. If she’s catching this look, she must be getting a self esteem problem by now.

Fat guy was downstairs for breakfast this morning…..of course. Walked by fat guy’s aisle. Someone was in his cube so it would have been rude for him to be eating so he chewed on his pen.

There isn’t one place to buy gum in this entire building.

Just got off the phone with my boss and gave him the “ba” that he typically gives me. Damn him.

Altoids just found another 50 people to add into the system. Just in time for annual billing for an additional $12,000 / year. I don’t get THAT excited about 12k. How do you think this $5 BILLION dollar company is going to get excited about $12K. Nice work Altoid.

My boss claims that he works from around 7:30 AM to 8 PM every day. So far this week his hours are as such:
Mon: 8 – 6, had an event with the Mrs.
Tues: 8:45 – 5, wifey was home with the kids and needed some relief
Wed: ?? – 6:45
Thurs: ?? – 5:30? He just stopped over and I’m assuming he’s on his way out.

8 PM MY ASS.

He hasn’t really seen close to 8PM yet. Worst part is I sit nowhere near him so I can’t tell when he leaves to give him the courtesy Boss + 10 departure.

Another Sneeze today….pretty damn loud……nothing from Altoid.

Ok….so there is this 5 layer Chocolate, Chocolate CAKE (capital CAKE) sitting out front of the aisles just sitting there for the taking. This cake has chocolate batter, with chocolate icing and shaved chocolate pieces all over it. I have been avoiding it all day because what am I gonna do???? Go grab a monstrous piece of big fucking cake and sit and devour it……NO…NOT me. I’m a guy but I am a dainty guy….not to be confused with homosexual guy…just dainty. Anyway, it’s 6 o’clock and I walk passed to go to the bathroom and there are these shaving of chocolate with hunks of icing sitting around. So I can’t help myself I go in for some cake. Not with a knife, a fork and a plate……NOPE…go in with my fingers to scoop up some shavings (so I’m only dainty when there are people around…you all are too….all 3 of you) and BUSTED. I get caught looking like a real pig. Oh well.

Speaking of pigs….I know fat guy is just waiting out everyone else so he can scoop the rest of that cake into a bag.

New Gig - Day 3

Still nothing from the guy in front of me. He's not really mean or grumpy because he talks to some of the other people. Must just not talk to new people who won't be around too long. I even sneezed loud and right at him but go nothing. I'm telling you he is 2 arms lengths away from me in normal sitting position. If he sits back and I lean foward I can give him a "wet willie"...which maybe I should to get his attention.

I can't put his name down here for fear he googles himself some day and I'm the only thing that comes up but his last name is a name that was probably cool in high school. The type of name that when he walked in the door people probably would yell his name out......."hey xxxx". Seems like he might have been an alright guy in his day, just a shame he spends his time asking people if they'd like one bill a year rather than 12.

Anyway, I overheard him telling someone that his kid made Fettucine with Shrimp Scampi, Roasted Asparagus and a salad. He did get his hearty meal.

My boss: Still not sure of him but one thing for sure is that he sure tries to be cool with how he says Bye. Whether I'm walking out of his office, going separate ways after a meeting or getting off the phone with him I always get the "Ba". Its not a "bye" at all......its just a "Ba". I think I knew a few people that did that back in the 80's and he is clearly trying to be cool with it.

There's a guy in the next aisle over who is very large. I walked by his aisle one time, looked down and saw him chomping away at something. I'm going to tally every time I walk by and every time he's eating.

Bushy George

If you google "bushy george t-shirts" I show up 3rd in the list of search results. Its a damn shame those shirts aren't more popular......then I'd get more popular.

Guy in front of me

I can literally reach out and slap the head of the guy in front of me yet he refuses to make any eye contact or acknowledge me. I'm new here so you'd think he'd at least say hi but nothing.

The wierd part is that although he won't say hi to me he has a tin of altoids on the cube panelling/ledge between us and he turns around to grab one every now and then, puts the tin back, yet still no communication.

I'm not going to break down......he's gonna have to talk to me first.

Only other thing of interest with this guy is that his kid apparently does the cooking for the family.

Honey

The cafeteria lady calls everyone “Honey”. I’ve witnessed it 8 times….guys, girls….doesn’t matter. Everyone gets a “honey” upon entering their turn and then a “honey” upon the end of their turn.

My boss mentioned he is always surprised the cafeteria isn’t more crowded. I pretty much get why…..who needs all the “honey” shit every day.

My Boss/Client

My new boss reminds me of some b grade actor that I can picture but can't name. When I figure it out I'll let you all know.

He's pretty dorky but actually has a funny comment from time to time.

He has no friends here because he's relatively new so I'm afraid I'm going to be eating lunch with him way too often. He keeps just staring at me after he makes a comment as if he's waiting to see how I react........evaluating what type of comment I'll come up with. It's freaky, very freaky.

More Annoying Work Issues

Two things about my new employment:

First, the cube I’m working in is right on top of the guy in front of me and the guy right behind me is right on top of me. I could lick the ear of the guy in front of me if I so desired…..which I don’t but I could. I sure hope the guy behind me doesn’t want to lick my ear…..cause he can if he desires.

Second, the floor I work on is with all the executives (because I’m important and very smart). This means the floor is VERY quiet….no messing around, no idle chit-chat, nothing. People ACTUALLY seem to spend all day working. I know the guy in front of me is working because I can see everything he does. Given the layouts of the cubes that means the only person who can fuck off all day is the person in the back where nobody can see their cube. Not only is there no chatting amongst people on the floor, you can’t really take a personal call without everyone hearing your business. This doesn’t apply to the Indian dude behind me who is free to make his calls and ramble on in his native tongue. Lucky son of a bitch can just mask his conversations by NOT speaking English.

New Gig

Started a new gig and I'm hating it....I hate everything about work other than finding those funny little quirks about those around me that make me chuckle.

One such item is trying to figure out what the guy that sits in front of me does. He spent 6 hours yesterday calling internal and external customers asking them if they minded receiving one annual bill for ~$60-240 rather than 12 monthly bills of $5-60.

One person said they shouldn't even be billed because they register users for the system, train them but then unregister them so should only be billed for one user rather than all those he had listings of. Brain surgeon that he is changed her bill......"ummmm, hey dummy, she's screwing you out of your $200....i realize this is a billion dollar company but you need that $200". Dummy didn't get that she was using one sign on for all these people....train them, pass the credentials and then cancel them.

More to come.....going to be posting daily on my work exploits.

Sort of like my friends and I do with porn sites.

Grocery Store Observations 2/2

Maybe it's the fact that my general locale is filled with morons but I'm not sure why every trip to the grocery store comes with some random event. I know these random events sure add to my pleasure.

Last night I went because I was out of some things I wanted for morning. I'm coming out, putting stuff in the back of my car and I see this cart just cruising down between the aisle of cars one over from where I was. People were walking by, at least 3 people failed to notice the unmanned, out of control cart.

The cart was actually following one chubby, scruffy, wild ass bearded, mangy looking dude. I couldn't believe the dude didn't turn to notice the cart. I was standing there just watching the cart because inevitably it was going to smash into someone's car. Every guy loves to see flying objects smash into shit so I'm just sitting there thinking it was going to be fun.

Well, somehow the cart followed the guy to his car, started slowing down and then came to rest right behind the guys car. At this point I'm in my car but I had to drive around to where this guy was parked so I could watch what was going to happen. He didn't know it was following him, then he goes and gets into his car without realizing it was right behind him.

Ohhhh this is gonna be good....now he's going to back into it. I was disappointed when the cart didn't ram his 1984 Green Dodge Cobalt but now he's going to back into it. I pulled into a spot right across from him to watch. One problem......the spot in front of him wasn't occupied so the doof didn't have to back up at all....he could pull straight foward.....but would he?

Now this is suspense. Ok.....here he goes....... DAMN IT.......he pulled foward....SHIT. Oh well.....lots of unplanned action during my little trip and I enjoyed every second of it.

Save Some Suspense

I was watching the Celebrity Fame Game on VH1 the other day and it was time for someone to get kicked off.

Emmanuelle Lewis, Chyna Doll and Bridgette Nielsen were all playing in the game at the end to determine the winner. Chyna and Manny go first and then they build up the suspense for the final player by going to break.

During the commercial they show scenes for next week where you CLEARLY see Chyna and Manny......you DON'T see Nielsen. I mean cmon....I was waiting to get back to the suspenseful ending to see who loses NOT anymore......its pretty damn obvious who gets booted.

Who is producing this nonsense. This isn't the only show I've seen this occur on, seems every VH1 show has piss poor production. The actual amazing part of this is that I'm surprised.